Well kids, it's official - I start my new job on March 11th! I got the call Monday night as I was booking my hotel room in Miami Beach and surrounded by family.
It's a big girl job with benefits, a 401k and paid time off. Never in my life have I enjoyed these kinds of enmities from a job. My health insurance comes out of my own pocket, I have no retirement fund, and any time off I've needed has come with a price - or no price as in a smaller paycheck. My entire adult life has been spent working as an independently contracted photographer or as a waitress or for my father at his business or working part time jobs while going to school.
I will still be struggling financially for the next few months but at this point I'm used to it. And it's a small price to pay considering that I will now be receiving a steady paycheck instead of worrying about how much I'm getting paid this week or that or whether or not I need to file my unemployment claim. I finally see light at the end of the tunnel and nothing is going to stop me from making my way towards it.
Weight Loss - A Photo Perspective
I'm very proud of myself for keeping up with my gym routine. Since the end of November, I've managed to get there at the very least 3 times a week, with the exception of the week between Christmas and New Years when I had the flu. Even the days when dragging my ass there is the last thing I feel like doing, I still go and am glad I made myself.
I can see the progress I'm making because my body is changing. It's a slow process - it's not the drastic weight loss I experienced between 2008 and 2010, but it's happening. My arms are getting more toned, along with my legs. My stamina has increased. My clothes are starting, ever so slightly, to fit differently. I've lost maybe between 5 and 7 pounds (which I think may be due to the fact that I have not replenished my stash of Bud Light since I ran out a month and a half ago.)
Last Thursday I concentrated on working my abs, something I've been avoiding because, let's face it - ab workouts suck. But I gathered my courage, squashed my insecurities about looking silly laying on the bench and doing weighted crunches set to only 20 pounds, and did 5 sets of 10. Go me.
Needless to say, when I sat up in bed this morning, my tummy muscles screamed a bit. But it was a scream I was glad to hear. No pain, no gain, right?
One of the reasons I decided to start focusing on my abs was having to lay on my side for an hour or so last Sunday while getting a new tattoo. My shirt was pulled up and that belly of mine was exposed for the adorable tattoo artist to see. "Don't judge me, I'm built for comfort, not speed!" Sure, when I'm standing, my tummy is fine...curvy in a way that I don't mind. Same with when I'm lying on my back. I also realize that laying on our sides is unflattering for 99% of us. But damn, I just want to be able to sit down while wearing a bikini without having to sit up so straight that I can't breathe.
Let's put it into perspective....
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| This is my brother & I playing beer pong during his 21st birthday party, circa 2003. |
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| At a friend's wedding, circa 2009. |
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| After one of my eye procedures, June 2012. |
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| Summer 2012. |
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| Another wedding, September 2012. I've had this dress for 2 or 3 years and finally feel comfortable enough to wear it. |
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| New Years Eve, 2012. Yes, I was a little drunk. |
11 Days and Counting
I've never been anywhere tropical outside of this country. I've never even been out of the country, much less on a cruise. I'm so excited I could just...pee.
I'll be flying down to Miami on February 27th and we set sail March 1st. I can't believe that one of my dreams has become a reality.
When Friends With Benefits Gets Starts To Get Real
Recently the dynamic of one of the relationships I'm in has changed drastically. I link the word "relationship" to Webster's definition to clarify that I'm not talking about a specific kind. I am "in" a relationship with someone, but I'm also in relationships with everyone that is close to me. We all are.
Relationships are funny. Sometimes they're a walk in the park on a warm spring day, other times they're like trying to shovel 3 feet of snow out of one's driveway. That goes for all types - familial, friendships, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, lovers. Why this is so difficult for me is the fact that the relationship I'm referring to does not fit into any of those categories. For simplicity's sake, I'll say it's a (very) sexual, close friendship. Oxymoron, right?
For the most part this guy and I are cruising along doing our thing. But I'm starting to get a little restless and I don't know how to address it, towards myself mostly. This relationship is not following the natural order of things and it's kind of throwing me for a loop. And I don't need to hear shit about how "it doesn't need follow any kind of order, it shouldn't follow any kind of order, rise, rebel and resist!" I don't need my love life to be some complicated, over-worked, over-analyzed drama that I have to strive to keep unconventional. Right now I'm beginning to want something secure, steady and stable. Don't judge me.
There's nothing really wrong with our relationship, except for the fact that I don't know where it's heading, I don't even know where it will be tomorrow morning. I know I should be discussing this with him and trust me, we discuss it plenty.
The most recent discussion happened when I informed him that if he chooses to sleep with other people, I don't need to find the aftermath, i.e. used condom & empty wrapper from (I'm guessing) two nights prior, sitting on top of the bathroom trashcan when I go to throw away my tissues after blowing my nose first thing in the morning.
I had always kept the fact that I'm sure he's sleeping with other women, even post-my top drawer of his dresser takeover, in the back of my head, but I was fine with it being there, not hearing about it, not seeing it, basically maintaining the ignorance is bliss mentality. I was good with that. But here's where it gets weird - I would never throw something like in his face, whether unintentionally or not. I don't leave empty condom wrappers laying around for him to stumble upon. I don't divulge sexual escapades. I rarely even talk about my past, because we all know that your lover doesn't want to hear about some other guy that's been in your bed, even if you're trashing them.
Having the realization that he is sleeping with someone, or maybe even someones, violently pushed to the front of my mind was not a pleasant experience. It was downright brutal, and my emotional response surprised me. It hurt me more than I thought it would. I cried. A lot. I got angry. Very angry. It brought back ugly, self-deprecating feelings of just being a girl that someone knows they can call if they want to get laid.
I feel very foolish and stupid. I feel like I've been led on. To be honest, I feel downright betrayed, regardless of the fact that we have not claimed exclusivity, due to how much time we spend together and how we spend it. Now I feel as though people look at me when I'm with him and think to themselves, "Oh, that poor girl. She has no idea. Look how clueless she is." Because for some reason I assume that everyone knows our business. For all I know, I could have, at one time or another, been in the presence of this other girl while she snickered about their little secret on the inside. (I know it happens; I've been that other girl.) His behavior towards me when we're around other people dictates that we're together and I just go along with it because I really don't have a reason not to. I'm often referred to as his girlfriend and he doesn't bother to correct it. We're asked how long we've been together and he says "Since early summer or so." So of course I'm going to be a little upset when he basically announces to me, unabashedly, Hey guess what, you're not the only girl I'm fucking. I know he cares for me. I know he values what we have together. He tells me all the time. But sorry baby, actions speak louder than words.
Now, I've been no angel. For most of our "relationship," he has not been the only guy I've been sleeping with. As I've addressed in previous posts, I've pretty much pushed other guys to the wayside, unintentionally or not, which leads me to think that he's worthy of my fidelity. But if he's not going to give me that much, I have no reason to feel obligated to either.
He and I have discussed this ad nauseum. At this point I am, for the most part, over it. But it's still in the back of my head. When I go over to his place I can't help but think, Hmmm, who was here last night? The other night he had plans with a (girl)friend he hadn't seen in a very long time. Was I losing my mind? Yup. So when I saw him the next night, he was telling me about his evening and I asked him point blank if he fucked her. He looked as if I had slapped him. Well, what do you expect? I had a whole speech prepared if he were to say yes. His answer was no. Do I believe him? Mostly yes, a tiny part of me - no. But it's out of my control now.
The whole thing raises a lot of questions, not to mention there's a lot to the story I'm not sharing because it's too much for one post. What would you do, based on what I have disclosed, in this situation?
Relationships are funny. Sometimes they're a walk in the park on a warm spring day, other times they're like trying to shovel 3 feet of snow out of one's driveway. That goes for all types - familial, friendships, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, lovers. Why this is so difficult for me is the fact that the relationship I'm referring to does not fit into any of those categories. For simplicity's sake, I'll say it's a (very) sexual, close friendship. Oxymoron, right?
For the most part this guy and I are cruising along doing our thing. But I'm starting to get a little restless and I don't know how to address it, towards myself mostly. This relationship is not following the natural order of things and it's kind of throwing me for a loop. And I don't need to hear shit about how "it doesn't need follow any kind of order, it shouldn't follow any kind of order, rise, rebel and resist!" I don't need my love life to be some complicated, over-worked, over-analyzed drama that I have to strive to keep unconventional. Right now I'm beginning to want something secure, steady and stable. Don't judge me.
There's nothing really wrong with our relationship, except for the fact that I don't know where it's heading, I don't even know where it will be tomorrow morning. I know I should be discussing this with him and trust me, we discuss it plenty.
The most recent discussion happened when I informed him that if he chooses to sleep with other people, I don't need to find the aftermath, i.e. used condom & empty wrapper from (I'm guessing) two nights prior, sitting on top of the bathroom trashcan when I go to throw away my tissues after blowing my nose first thing in the morning.
I had always kept the fact that I'm sure he's sleeping with other women, even post-my top drawer of his dresser takeover, in the back of my head, but I was fine with it being there, not hearing about it, not seeing it, basically maintaining the ignorance is bliss mentality. I was good with that. But here's where it gets weird - I would never throw something like in his face, whether unintentionally or not. I don't leave empty condom wrappers laying around for him to stumble upon. I don't divulge sexual escapades. I rarely even talk about my past, because we all know that your lover doesn't want to hear about some other guy that's been in your bed, even if you're trashing them.
Having the realization that he is sleeping with someone, or maybe even someones, violently pushed to the front of my mind was not a pleasant experience. It was downright brutal, and my emotional response surprised me. It hurt me more than I thought it would. I cried. A lot. I got angry. Very angry. It brought back ugly, self-deprecating feelings of just being a girl that someone knows they can call if they want to get laid.
I feel very foolish and stupid. I feel like I've been led on. To be honest, I feel downright betrayed, regardless of the fact that we have not claimed exclusivity, due to how much time we spend together and how we spend it. Now I feel as though people look at me when I'm with him and think to themselves, "Oh, that poor girl. She has no idea. Look how clueless she is." Because for some reason I assume that everyone knows our business. For all I know, I could have, at one time or another, been in the presence of this other girl while she snickered about their little secret on the inside. (I know it happens; I've been that other girl.) His behavior towards me when we're around other people dictates that we're together and I just go along with it because I really don't have a reason not to. I'm often referred to as his girlfriend and he doesn't bother to correct it. We're asked how long we've been together and he says "Since early summer or so." So of course I'm going to be a little upset when he basically announces to me, unabashedly, Hey guess what, you're not the only girl I'm fucking. I know he cares for me. I know he values what we have together. He tells me all the time. But sorry baby, actions speak louder than words.
Now, I've been no angel. For most of our "relationship," he has not been the only guy I've been sleeping with. As I've addressed in previous posts, I've pretty much pushed other guys to the wayside, unintentionally or not, which leads me to think that he's worthy of my fidelity. But if he's not going to give me that much, I have no reason to feel obligated to either.
He and I have discussed this ad nauseum. At this point I am, for the most part, over it. But it's still in the back of my head. When I go over to his place I can't help but think, Hmmm, who was here last night? The other night he had plans with a (girl)friend he hadn't seen in a very long time. Was I losing my mind? Yup. So when I saw him the next night, he was telling me about his evening and I asked him point blank if he fucked her. He looked as if I had slapped him. Well, what do you expect? I had a whole speech prepared if he were to say yes. His answer was no. Do I believe him? Mostly yes, a tiny part of me - no. But it's out of my control now.
The whole thing raises a lot of questions, not to mention there's a lot to the story I'm not sharing because it's too much for one post. What would you do, based on what I have disclosed, in this situation?
Wait, Am I Seeing the Sun Come Through?
I have officially been rejected from every job I applied for during the month of January. But I accepted that and pushed on. Last Thursday I sat down at the computer and started all over again. Within minutes of submitting an application and my resume to a pharmaceutical company in Swedesboro, NJ, I received an email from their hiring specialist requesting a phone interview. Yes! Please call me! The woman was very nice and it went really well. It didn't feel like an interview - it was as if we were just chatting about my past and current work experience, my qualifications and what the job entails, as opposed to being grilled by a potential employer.
I went in for a face to face interview on Tuesday and it went better than I could have ever expected. I was confident without being cocky, inquisitive without being overly talkative and, most importantly, I felt relaxed in this company's environment. I took a computer skills assessment and then spoke with the man who would be my boss if I am to be hired, and I liked him. He came off as by-the-rules, strict-yet-fair supervisor. We chatted, laughed, discussed the position at length and...I really want this job.
I've worked both in retail and in-patient hospital pharmacies and I loved both of those jobs. It's something I feel comfortable doing and gives me a sense of being productive and a sense of fulfillment at the end of the day. This job is a full time position that comes with benefits, a 401k, and paid time off. Paid time off?! What IS that?! What sealed the deal for me and pushed my desire for this job through the roof is that there is opportunity for me to move my way up the rungs of this company's ladder. That's one of my requirements for whatever job comes my way. I want to be able to make something of myself and know that I'm not "stuck" in the position I get hired for. What stands out in my mind is when the head pharmacist of the dispensing lab said, "If you want it and it shows, people here notice."
So my fingers are crossed. I am incredibly happy with how the interview went and have put it in God's hands. There's a reason I wasn't called for interviews with other jobs I applied for. There's a reason I didn't get hired from my last interview. I'm hoping this is the job that was waiting for me.
On a side note, that evening I went to bingo night at the VFW and won $80. I have never won at games involving luck and/or chance. (Hence why I don't gamble.) I can't deny that I took that as a sign.
I went in for a face to face interview on Tuesday and it went better than I could have ever expected. I was confident without being cocky, inquisitive without being overly talkative and, most importantly, I felt relaxed in this company's environment. I took a computer skills assessment and then spoke with the man who would be my boss if I am to be hired, and I liked him. He came off as by-the-rules, strict-yet-fair supervisor. We chatted, laughed, discussed the position at length and...I really want this job.
I've worked both in retail and in-patient hospital pharmacies and I loved both of those jobs. It's something I feel comfortable doing and gives me a sense of being productive and a sense of fulfillment at the end of the day. This job is a full time position that comes with benefits, a 401k, and paid time off. Paid time off?! What IS that?! What sealed the deal for me and pushed my desire for this job through the roof is that there is opportunity for me to move my way up the rungs of this company's ladder. That's one of my requirements for whatever job comes my way. I want to be able to make something of myself and know that I'm not "stuck" in the position I get hired for. What stands out in my mind is when the head pharmacist of the dispensing lab said, "If you want it and it shows, people here notice."
So my fingers are crossed. I am incredibly happy with how the interview went and have put it in God's hands. There's a reason I wasn't called for interviews with other jobs I applied for. There's a reason I didn't get hired from my last interview. I'm hoping this is the job that was waiting for me.
On a side note, that evening I went to bingo night at the VFW and won $80. I have never won at games involving luck and/or chance. (Hence why I don't gamble.) I can't deny that I took that as a sign.
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