Indecisive

I can't make up my fucking mind. I get so lonely, yet the thought of committing myself wholly to someone scares the fuck out of me. I mull it over in my head to the point where I get sick of it - does my male counterpart even exist? What the hell do I even want?

One side of my brain wants to remain alone. Because when I'm alone, I have the freedom to do as I please. But isn't that selfish? Well, the other side of my brain wants that someone to wake up next to in the morning. That someone to be absolutely insane with. To say fuck it, jump in the car with and head for the West Coast. The other side of my brain wants there to actually be a man somewhere out there whose child I would bear. In my mind, this child would be a perfect combination of two perfect insanities.

But I'm fooling myself. Yes, I love those mornings when I wake up and HB is lying next to me. But the bottom line is that he is no fucking good for me, even though when I'm in his arms I feel like everything will be okay.

He has yet to verbalize his wanting for me to be his girl. I explained to him that until he does so, he has no right to judge me. (He really doesn't have the right to even when and if I say yes.) So did I fuck up something that is potentially good, a new rollercoaster ride of love, emotions, sex, laughter and tears, because the other night some guy shoved his tongue in my mouth before I knew what was happening and HB saw it? Did I fuck up because I was drunk, it was Mardi Gras, and everything that happened was all in good fun? I don't fucking know the answer to these questions.

What scares me that when faced the potential of a new relationship, I freak out. A new relationship means giving up Buzzard. And I know in my heart it will take a hell of a man for me to do that. Is HB worth it? He tells me he's fucked up. Welcome to the club, baby, you think I'm not fucked up too? We can just be fucked up together, might make life a little more bearable.

I guess I can just dwell on it until I hear the words come out of his mouth. I can give him his space. Let him decide what he wants. I did tell him that if he wants me to back off then he better tell me. He told me it wasn't like that. But I'm not going to push the issue, even though I want so bad to get into his head and find out what it is that makes him tick. Even though I want to lay next to him and get lost in his baby blue eyes.

One day at a time, right?

Tattoos 9, 10, 11 & 12

Via FuckYeahTattoos

(title unknown)

(title unknown): "

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untitled

Don't We All?

nongenderous:

tiredofbeingignored:

(via ihatethismess): "

nongenderous:

tiredofbeingignored:

(via ihatethismess)

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Heavy Things, Part 5

So I've started attending Al-Anon meetings at the suggestion of Buzzard and his friend. I've been utterly strung out lately over the situation my father has left my mother and I in, and it's mostly due to his alcoholism. I don't care if people know I go to these meetings. I'm almost positive I fucking need them. I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't be a Daddy's Girl no more. I've got a long, tough road ahead of me.

I had a very candid conversation with a close friend today.

Me: Okay, so I came to a very strange realization last night. The only time I don't fret over Buzzard is when he fucks me on a regular basis. Strange or what?
Him: No, not strange.
Me: It has baffled me. We fucked last night after the meeting. It was the first time since New Year's Eve. And I'm not working it over in my head.
Him: I think you feel abandoned when he doesn't fuck you. I hope I am not overstepping my bounds when I say you have clearly felt abandoned by your father.
Me: You're not overstepping at all. I value your thoughts and opinions so much. And you're probably right.
Him: It seems likely that is why you seek approval from unavailable men. I hope you know I say this because I care about you.
Me: I know. I want you to be able to share this kind of stuff with me. Those of us on the inside can't always see it. It's like, I want validation from Buzzard until I find someone who can give it to me unabated, unhindered, and unabashedly.
Him: When was the last time you were attracted to a man that was available?
Me: Fuck, talk about a much needed slap in the face, ha ha.

Him: I think in your subconcious you think that if Buzzard finally gives you everything you want you will have won the battle to save your father. You also protect yourself from the vulnerability of a real relationship by occupying yourself with men you cannot fully have, ever.
Me: But if Buzzard were to ever do that, how would that save my father? Even though I know that Buzzard does not want another baby? I agree with protecting my vulnerability, but I guess I've got even more soul searching to do.
Him: It wouldn't, that is the futility of it, but our brains play tricks on us that way.
Me: I really thought I was immune to Daddy Issues. It makes me very angry. I have this fucked up notion that I'm supposed to be some form of Superwoman.
Him: Really? You though you were immune? Your situation is a classic case of Daddy Issues. I learned a long time ago that I cannot change the fucked up shit that happened to me, most importantly I acknowledge how it shapes me and try to change the self destructive parts.

This dear friend of mine is right. And it gives me more motivation to keep attending these meetings to get to try and get to the core of who I am, not to try and fix my father, because he is beyond saving.