Heavy Things, Part 5

So I've started attending Al-Anon meetings at the suggestion of Buzzard and his friend. I've been utterly strung out lately over the situation my father has left my mother and I in, and it's mostly due to his alcoholism. I don't care if people know I go to these meetings. I'm almost positive I fucking need them. I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't be a Daddy's Girl no more. I've got a long, tough road ahead of me.

I had a very candid conversation with a close friend today.

Me: Okay, so I came to a very strange realization last night. The only time I don't fret over Buzzard is when he fucks me on a regular basis. Strange or what?
Him: No, not strange.
Me: It has baffled me. We fucked last night after the meeting. It was the first time since New Year's Eve. And I'm not working it over in my head.
Him: I think you feel abandoned when he doesn't fuck you. I hope I am not overstepping my bounds when I say you have clearly felt abandoned by your father.
Me: You're not overstepping at all. I value your thoughts and opinions so much. And you're probably right.
Him: It seems likely that is why you seek approval from unavailable men. I hope you know I say this because I care about you.
Me: I know. I want you to be able to share this kind of stuff with me. Those of us on the inside can't always see it. It's like, I want validation from Buzzard until I find someone who can give it to me unabated, unhindered, and unabashedly.
Him: When was the last time you were attracted to a man that was available?
Me: Fuck, talk about a much needed slap in the face, ha ha.

Him: I think in your subconcious you think that if Buzzard finally gives you everything you want you will have won the battle to save your father. You also protect yourself from the vulnerability of a real relationship by occupying yourself with men you cannot fully have, ever.
Me: But if Buzzard were to ever do that, how would that save my father? Even though I know that Buzzard does not want another baby? I agree with protecting my vulnerability, but I guess I've got even more soul searching to do.
Him: It wouldn't, that is the futility of it, but our brains play tricks on us that way.
Me: I really thought I was immune to Daddy Issues. It makes me very angry. I have this fucked up notion that I'm supposed to be some form of Superwoman.
Him: Really? You though you were immune? Your situation is a classic case of Daddy Issues. I learned a long time ago that I cannot change the fucked up shit that happened to me, most importantly I acknowledge how it shapes me and try to change the self destructive parts.

This dear friend of mine is right. And it gives me more motivation to keep attending these meetings to get to try and get to the core of who I am, not to try and fix my father, because he is beyond saving.