...at least the one in Wilmington. Tyler, Andy, Geeta and myself all went out to dinner the other night - the first time the four of us have been together all summer - and then decided to head over to Trolley Square.
I don't frequent Trolley as often as I used to, mostly because the scene has changed over the years, for better and for worse. It's still a good place to grab lunch or dinner because you have a plethora of dining establishments to chose from, and all of the ones I've eaten at - which is most - have some damn good food and nice atmospheres. But the nightlife has become...different.
When I was in my early twenties my girls and I used to rule the dance floor downstairs at Kelly's Loganhouse and there were times you could catch decent bands in the bar upstairs, but over recent years management has changed hands. The dance floor has more or less become nonexistent and the amount of concert series performed there has dwindled. (If there is one, the advertising is so minimal you'd only discover it was going on if you happen to be there on a random night.)
Now one of the only places that has a DJ is Catherine Rooney's, on Saturdays. And I can't stand it. On a regular night it's a good place to hang and get some food, I believe Thursday night is still Martini Night. But it gets so crowded on Saturday nights that it's damn near impossible to get a drink, much less maneuver through the crowd and make yourself a little room to dance. There's also Club 3. If you like house music. And well, sometimes house music is hard to dance to.
I'm not even going to go into how much I hate the music the DJs play these days - I'm sitting here shaking my head. What ever happened to R&B? Jams you could dance to as opposed to what I could only describe as wannabe gangster rap with some jackass declaring "Yo that shit cray," and every where you look you'll inevitably see brand-new 21-year-olds humping each other like they're having awful, strange, awkward sex.
As far as the people go, maybe I just didn't notice them when I was younger. Maybe I was one of them, I don't know. Girls dressed to the nines in heels they can't walk in and more makeup than Motley Crue circa 1987. Oh right, they're trying to get laid. Yikes. The guys aren't much better, walking around in matching neon polo shirts, trying to get laid. Everyone has their cell phone in hand and acting like they're texting someone more interesting than the scene going on around them. They probably are, because anything is more interesting than the scene in Trolley Square.
Damn I sound old.
Maybe I was the same way when I was younger. Maybe I notice it more because I don't go out looking to get laid. I can do that with one phone call, thanks. Maybe it's because I just spent the majority of August reveling in the Dewey Beach bar scene, which, granted, is somewhat similiar but with a larger age range. (I like my men a little older anyway.) Maybe that's more tolerable because it's summer time and everyone is a little more laid back, the bars are bigger and if you don't feel like being stuck in a crowd you can relocate to a different one where you don't have to fight your way to the bar and struggle to get the bartender's attention. And if you see a girl throwing up on a side street or a guy being carried by his friends you just shake your head and smile, "Uh-oh, looks like they couldn't hang in Dewey." Maybe because down there you can find decent bands playing every weekend and it's hard to find a DJ spinning music that he's adding his own "style" to therefore you're just listening to a train wreck happen.
But I digress. The caliber of people that you find in Trolley Square on a weekend night has changed drastically, and it's just not fun anymore. It almost seems like everyone has a chip on their shoulder, or is desensitized, or just plain trying too damn hard. Maybe it seems that way because I was for the most part sober the last time I was there. Or maybe I'm the one who's desensitized.
Damn I really sound old.
Maybe I just prefer the beach scene, or the Philly scene. Shit, even New York, although I don't get up there as often as I like. I don't have a reason to wear my slutty rock & roll gear out in Wilmington. This town is too trendy for that. Even my usual watering hole was a different crowd that night. We barely recognized anyone in the place, which was odd for us. What, I go away for a month and everything changes?
My Listless Autumns
I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. Autumn is hovering over us, ready to drop its windy, chilly days at any moment. School's back in session, I find myself keeping a sweatshirt in my car in case of a "Holy shit I'm freezing!" emergency. The days are still blisteringly hot but the humidity is gone and the nights are cool.
There's a short list of reasons why I enjoy this season.
There's a short list of reasons why I enjoy this season.
- Pockets. During the summer I'm either in a bathing suit, a sundress, or just a pair of underwear and a tank top. Not having pockets can be very inconvenient.
- O.P.I.'s fall line of nail colors. Chocolate browns, burnt oranges and rusty violets look so good on my nails.
- I can get my cowboy boots out of the closet. Those bad boys have been sleeping since April, maybe even March.
- My leather jacket can come out of hibernation as well.
- I'll fantasize about going to pumpkin and apple orchards and haunted houses with a boy.
- Cold weather.
- I cannot stand anything pumpkin or spice flavored, so when Starbucks comes out with their pumpkin lattes or whatever, you will not find me in line. I don't even like what is considered "fall scents." Kind of makes me want to barf.
- The pool is closed. Enough said.
- I'm more susceptible to bouts of depression, due to the change in weather. Cold, rainy days make me miserable and it's a lot easier for my mind to slip into that dark place.
- Shorter days. Most days I'm driving to and from work in the dark.
- Snow is coming. I don't care for it. Don't like shoveling it, don't like driving in it. Sure, it's pretty when it's falling, but within an hour it becomes gray sludge all along the roads. Not to mention people freak out at the first sight of a snowflake and figure they have free reign to drive like assholes.
- Soon it will be time to put up Christmas decorations. I like Christmas and all, it's great, but when you have to drag bins upon bins of decorations, plus two trees, up from the basement, then are responsible for putting up those trees, I kind of want to rip my hair out. You know that song The Twelve Pains of Christmas? Yeah, that's like the story of my life.
- Did I mention how much I hate cold weather?
Friends With Benefits: A Love Story, Continued
So my little story has seemingly turned into a saga. Not much has changed over the last month or so, aside from the fact that we're talking a little more openly about relationships, specifically ours, hypothetically what it would be like if we became exclusive. What bewilders me about it all is that I have not, for one second, over analyzed anything about it. I haven't driven myself crazy going over every little detail of our relationship like I've done with past ones, and it still continues to be...easy. I hope it will stay that way.
One important detail of our relationship is that we live about a half an hour away from each other. It may not seem like much, it's an easy drive and I love the little town he lives in, but it can be an obstacle at times. My job entails my driving several miles a week, so the fact that we're spending more time together could prove to be a strain on me mostly, because I usually go to him. So far it hasn't been a problem.
I went up there to be with the other night, because he told me he wanted me there. He's going through a rough time and yesterday he signed away his house. The one he bought with his ex. He told me last week that it was happening and that he would really appreciate it if I came up and spent that particular night with him. At the time, my schedule had me working in Douglassville the next day, so staying with him would have benefited in two ways - I would have been there for him and cut a half an hour off of my drive to work.
My schedule was changed at the last minute and I was put on a job down in Dover. Instead of telling him that I couldn't stay because it would have added a half an hour to my drive to work, I went up there. I knew he needed me. And he was incredibly appreciative. I knew how much it meant to him to have me there.
As we were curled up on the couch, he started talking. About us. I'm having a hard time remembering exactly what he said, because he was stumbling over his words.
"I knew exactly what I wanted to say earlier, and it made absolute sense when I went over it in my head, but now I can't figure out how the hell to say it."
I just sat and listened, being patient in the hopes that he'd come out and spill it. What I ended up with was something along the lines of -
"You came up here to be with me tonight because I needed you to, and you're not my girlfriend. That, to me, means more than it would have if you were my girlfriend. That's something I don't want to lose if we were to be together, all the bullshit I'm going through that's preventing me from being emotionally available aside. If you were my girlfriend, you'd be here, no question."
I turned this over in my head, trying to make some sense of it.
"You're saying it'd be a given that I'd be here, there, wherever, at all times because I'd be obligated to."
"Yes...no...kind of? I think I'm confusing myself."
I've never had this kind of relationship before, where we talk about this stuff, not even to resolve anything, and then gone to sleep in his arms the very same night with no awkwardness between us.
(Did I mention how good the sex is?)
It's not even like I have the constant nagging feeling that this could end at any moment, because, oddly enough, I don't. He doesn't do anything that aggravates the shit out of me, that hurts me, that tears me down or emotionally damages me. He never has.
So what am I feeling right now?
I honestly don't fucking know. And I'm okay with that.
One important detail of our relationship is that we live about a half an hour away from each other. It may not seem like much, it's an easy drive and I love the little town he lives in, but it can be an obstacle at times. My job entails my driving several miles a week, so the fact that we're spending more time together could prove to be a strain on me mostly, because I usually go to him. So far it hasn't been a problem.
I went up there to be with the other night, because he told me he wanted me there. He's going through a rough time and yesterday he signed away his house. The one he bought with his ex. He told me last week that it was happening and that he would really appreciate it if I came up and spent that particular night with him. At the time, my schedule had me working in Douglassville the next day, so staying with him would have benefited in two ways - I would have been there for him and cut a half an hour off of my drive to work.
My schedule was changed at the last minute and I was put on a job down in Dover. Instead of telling him that I couldn't stay because it would have added a half an hour to my drive to work, I went up there. I knew he needed me. And he was incredibly appreciative. I knew how much it meant to him to have me there.
As we were curled up on the couch, he started talking. About us. I'm having a hard time remembering exactly what he said, because he was stumbling over his words.
"I knew exactly what I wanted to say earlier, and it made absolute sense when I went over it in my head, but now I can't figure out how the hell to say it."
I just sat and listened, being patient in the hopes that he'd come out and spill it. What I ended up with was something along the lines of -
"You came up here to be with me tonight because I needed you to, and you're not my girlfriend. That, to me, means more than it would have if you were my girlfriend. That's something I don't want to lose if we were to be together, all the bullshit I'm going through that's preventing me from being emotionally available aside. If you were my girlfriend, you'd be here, no question."
I turned this over in my head, trying to make some sense of it.
"You're saying it'd be a given that I'd be here, there, wherever, at all times because I'd be obligated to."
"Yes...no...kind of? I think I'm confusing myself."
I've never had this kind of relationship before, where we talk about this stuff, not even to resolve anything, and then gone to sleep in his arms the very same night with no awkwardness between us.
(Did I mention how good the sex is?)
It's not even like I have the constant nagging feeling that this could end at any moment, because, oddly enough, I don't. He doesn't do anything that aggravates the shit out of me, that hurts me, that tears me down or emotionally damages me. He never has.
So what am I feeling right now?
I honestly don't fucking know. And I'm okay with that.
September Free Styling, #4
Change the colors of
my nail polishes
orange brown purple red
Driving behind the
yellow school buses
Cornfields are dying
Soon it will be time
for pumpkin picking
Running screaming blind
through haunted houses
Hold me tight so I
won't be scared to death.
September Free Styling, #3
The mornings have turned
chilly waking up
to goosebumps so soon
getting out of bed
can be unpleasant
On the sunny days
sky is crystal blue
instead of hazy
But it is now time
to put away the
flipflops bathing suits
short shorts and tank tops
chilly waking up
to goosebumps so soon
getting out of bed
can be unpleasant
On the sunny days
sky is crystal blue
instead of hazy
But it is now time
to put away the
flipflops bathing suits
short shorts and tank tops
Friends With Benefits - A Love Story
I've got a very close friend who's been around for about four years now and we've been spending a lot more time together over the past several months. It started out strictly as a use-and-be-used kind of arrangement, but it's no longer like that. We have what one could easily call the perfect Friends With Benefits relationship. Not only do we have mind-bowing sex, we care about each other and we do things together. We go out to eat, to clubs and bars, we do weekends at the beach, we talk at least once a day, watch movies or TV together, he'll come swimming if he has the day off. We feel safe emotionally with each other. Most FWB relationships I've had dwindled solely to "benefits," minus a friendship. This guy and I have a pretty good - excellent in fact - idea of how our chemistry works, physically and emotionally. We've been sleeping together for so long that almost nothing is off-limits.
One of the extra benefits of our relationship is that we can be completely open and honest with each other without fear of judgement or hurtful criticism. I know he still has hang ups about his ex, and he knows just about the entire Buzzard saga.
I stay at his house now whenever I have work in the area. He bought me a box of Splenda for my coffee and a glass jar to keep it in, I now have a toothbrush and washcloth there and his dog is accustomed to me being around. I also stay over at least one night during the weekend and we go out or stay in and watch a movie. Did I mention how good the sex is? There's something about it that just...works. I know what drives him crazy and he knows just what buttons to push to send me over the edge.
We're in a relationship but we're not. I've decided to not over analyze anything, because there's no need to. If I need to know something I can always ask him, and sometimes I don't even have to do that.
The other night I received this text -
"Hey I just wanted to tell you that I really do like when you stay over with me. It may be a little selfish of me, but when you're here you take away some of the loneliness that I feel. I'm sorry I'm so...detached. I am trying to get through it though. Thank you :) Xoxo"
So I responded -
"You don't have to apologize to me, I know you're trying to get through it so that's why I'm not on your ass about it. I feel the same way about the loneliness too, so don't think you're being selfish. It's fun when we play house."
Him -
"I just want you to feel comfortable when you're here. Thank you. I like that you're able to sit and do your thing while I do mine. It's a simple thing I know but it's still pretty cool."
Me -
"I do, believe me. That day you told me that when I'm around you feel like you can relax, it made me feel good. That's something I want people I care about to always feel when they're with me."
The talk then shifted to my work schedule for the upcoming week and of course, sex. But seriously, how awesome is it that we have this kind of relationship? Have you ever been lucky enough to have something like this? Do you know anyone who does?
Whether or not I'm a part of his distant future and/or he's a part of mine is a moot point. Same with whether or not he starts seeing someone or I do. We don't worry about it. We've been through all of that before and still came out unscathed.
Really, it's a beautiful thing. I'm thinking about asking him to collaborate with me on a future post - How To Achieve an Easy, Uncomplicated, No-Strings-Attached Relationship (And No One Gets Hurt.) Or something like that. So keep an eye out for it, because if you come to a point in your life where you decide you have had enough drama and just want to enjoy the company of someone who doesn't give you any bullshit, but gives you incredible orgasms, then it might be worth reading.
One of the extra benefits of our relationship is that we can be completely open and honest with each other without fear of judgement or hurtful criticism. I know he still has hang ups about his ex, and he knows just about the entire Buzzard saga.
I stay at his house now whenever I have work in the area. He bought me a box of Splenda for my coffee and a glass jar to keep it in, I now have a toothbrush and washcloth there and his dog is accustomed to me being around. I also stay over at least one night during the weekend and we go out or stay in and watch a movie. Did I mention how good the sex is? There's something about it that just...works. I know what drives him crazy and he knows just what buttons to push to send me over the edge.
We're in a relationship but we're not. I've decided to not over analyze anything, because there's no need to. If I need to know something I can always ask him, and sometimes I don't even have to do that.
The other night I received this text -
"Hey I just wanted to tell you that I really do like when you stay over with me. It may be a little selfish of me, but when you're here you take away some of the loneliness that I feel. I'm sorry I'm so...detached. I am trying to get through it though. Thank you :) Xoxo"
So I responded -
"You don't have to apologize to me, I know you're trying to get through it so that's why I'm not on your ass about it. I feel the same way about the loneliness too, so don't think you're being selfish. It's fun when we play house."
Him -
"I just want you to feel comfortable when you're here. Thank you. I like that you're able to sit and do your thing while I do mine. It's a simple thing I know but it's still pretty cool."
Me -
"I do, believe me. That day you told me that when I'm around you feel like you can relax, it made me feel good. That's something I want people I care about to always feel when they're with me."
The talk then shifted to my work schedule for the upcoming week and of course, sex. But seriously, how awesome is it that we have this kind of relationship? Have you ever been lucky enough to have something like this? Do you know anyone who does?
Whether or not I'm a part of his distant future and/or he's a part of mine is a moot point. Same with whether or not he starts seeing someone or I do. We don't worry about it. We've been through all of that before and still came out unscathed.
Really, it's a beautiful thing. I'm thinking about asking him to collaborate with me on a future post - How To Achieve an Easy, Uncomplicated, No-Strings-Attached Relationship (And No One Gets Hurt.) Or something like that. So keep an eye out for it, because if you come to a point in your life where you decide you have had enough drama and just want to enjoy the company of someone who doesn't give you any bullshit, but gives you incredible orgasms, then it might be worth reading.
Labor Day Weekend - Drunk and Bittersweet
It was a weekend spent rallying one last time before the cold weather sets in and the bathing suits get packed away with the winter clothes.
"Hey, I'm star-6-9-ing my buzz. You know, the one I've had since June."
"Yeah, I really need to star-6-9 my tan before summer is officially over."
"If you see him tonight are you going to suggest star-6-9-ing what you guys did last night?"
My brother called me while I was still working Friday afternoon to announce that he was going to Dewey for the night after the fucked up week he had at work and I was thrilled. We hadn't been in Dewey together since my nephew was born, maybe even before that.
We partied hard Friday night with our uncle and various other friends and relatives we ran into along our travels up and down Route 1 - Starboard, Lighthouse, Northbeach...eventually ending up at McShea's for last call and of course getting a pizza from Grotto's on our way back to the house.
"Dane, you sleep like you're dead. I almost put my finger under your nose to make sure you were still breathing."
The weather, along with my hangover, Saturday wasn't exactly cooperative; the sun didn't come out until around 3 pm and by then my headache was finally starting to fade. I spent some time on the beach in solitude, reading and reveling in the feeling of sand between my toes.
Saturday night was spent with a bunch of the Weekenders, and I ended up going home with someone completely unexpected. Nothing like doing your first legitimate walk of shame on the last Sunday morning of the summer. I tried to be slick and take the back way home, through the alley behind the Bottle & Cork, down back streets through the clusters of beach condos and driveways, avoiding Route 1 and figuring no one I knew would see me. I was quite mistaken.
"Helloooo...hey! Girl in the green!"
I looked up to see one of my aunt and uncle's good friends, a guy who has also known me for over 10 years, and known the guy I went home with for probably over 30, standing on the balcony of one of the beach condos. Busted. He's grinning and asking me where I'm coming from. I mentally ran through the list of people who could have seen me leave with said cause of my little shame-walk and decided he wasn't among them, so I lied through my teeth. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
My dearest friend came down that day, someone else I haven't been in Dewey with in a very long time, and we spent the day on the beach reminiscing about old times - baby sitting my younger cousins and my aunt and uncle teaching us most of what we know today. We did two happy hours, one at Northbeach and then of course headed over to the Bottle & Cork for the last Jam Session of the year. I believe we had dinner and then cleaned ourselves up to go back out and do it all over again that night.
Dewey Beach is nonstop. You can either hang tough or go home. I love it, but there's a reason I only do weekends in the summer. It's best to take it in small doses, otherwise I think my liver would just quit on me. So now summer is over, everyone has gone back home and all we can do is look forward to next year.
"Hey, I'm star-6-9-ing my buzz. You know, the one I've had since June."
"Yeah, I really need to star-6-9 my tan before summer is officially over."
"If you see him tonight are you going to suggest star-6-9-ing what you guys did last night?"
My brother called me while I was still working Friday afternoon to announce that he was going to Dewey for the night after the fucked up week he had at work and I was thrilled. We hadn't been in Dewey together since my nephew was born, maybe even before that.
We partied hard Friday night with our uncle and various other friends and relatives we ran into along our travels up and down Route 1 - Starboard, Lighthouse, Northbeach...eventually ending up at McShea's for last call and of course getting a pizza from Grotto's on our way back to the house.
"Dane, you sleep like you're dead. I almost put my finger under your nose to make sure you were still breathing."
The weather, along with my hangover, Saturday wasn't exactly cooperative; the sun didn't come out until around 3 pm and by then my headache was finally starting to fade. I spent some time on the beach in solitude, reading and reveling in the feeling of sand between my toes.
Saturday night was spent with a bunch of the Weekenders, and I ended up going home with someone completely unexpected. Nothing like doing your first legitimate walk of shame on the last Sunday morning of the summer. I tried to be slick and take the back way home, through the alley behind the Bottle & Cork, down back streets through the clusters of beach condos and driveways, avoiding Route 1 and figuring no one I knew would see me. I was quite mistaken.
"Helloooo...hey! Girl in the green!"
I looked up to see one of my aunt and uncle's good friends, a guy who has also known me for over 10 years, and known the guy I went home with for probably over 30, standing on the balcony of one of the beach condos. Busted. He's grinning and asking me where I'm coming from. I mentally ran through the list of people who could have seen me leave with said cause of my little shame-walk and decided he wasn't among them, so I lied through my teeth. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
My dearest friend came down that day, someone else I haven't been in Dewey with in a very long time, and we spent the day on the beach reminiscing about old times - baby sitting my younger cousins and my aunt and uncle teaching us most of what we know today. We did two happy hours, one at Northbeach and then of course headed over to the Bottle & Cork for the last Jam Session of the year. I believe we had dinner and then cleaned ourselves up to go back out and do it all over again that night.
 |
| This girl has been my lifeline. Plus, she knows too much. |
 |
| The blue moon, the Starboard shark, and myself. Life couldn't get any better. |
Go Ahead, Make A Bad Decision
I've kept close tabs on this band since 2009, when I saw them open for Motley Crue on the Saints of Los Angeles tour, and have even been lucky enough to hang out with them a few times. All I can say is theirs is the kind of rock & roll this world needs more of. They offer up a heavy combination of glam, sleaze and metal, along with a stage presence that oozes sex. While you can pick up on their old-school rock influences, the music is a breath of fresh air compared to today's mainstream garbage that is over processed, over tweaked and over auto-tuned to the point where it can hardly be defined as music by the time it hits the listeners' ears. The Last Vegas knows what true rock is all about and have a damn good time spreading the word.
 |
| The boys at Rebel Rock Bar in Philly, August 24th, 2012. |
So while you're having fun making a few Bad Decisions, I highly suggest picking up...whatever else you can get your hands on by this smokin' hot band, most of which is available on iTunes. You won't be disappointed, I promise.
Follow The Last Vegas on Twitter here.
Like them on Facebook here.
September Free Styling, #2
Contemplating my money situation
Pitiful yet again
Living like a fucking rockstar
with four dollars in my pocket
I'm told everything
comes full circle
But I'm getting sick of this
emotional un-availability bullshit
I hear rain on the roof outside
and my car windows are down
I'll put them up when I
finish this cigarette
Exhausted but it's okay
to be content
Spiderwebs and Kona coffee
Leopard print fingernails
and nonstop camera flashes
Summertime is winding down.
Motorcycle rides
through Lancaster County
Around the bends he puts
his hand on my leg
and I know I am safe
Late August and the days
are getting shorter
The moon is getting fuller
It's back to the grind now.
Pitiful yet again
Living like a fucking rockstar
with four dollars in my pocket
I'm told everything
comes full circle
But I'm getting sick of this
emotional un-availability bullshit
I hear rain on the roof outside
and my car windows are down
I'll put them up when I
finish this cigarette
Exhausted but it's okay
to be content
Spiderwebs and Kona coffee
Leopard print fingernails
and nonstop camera flashes
Summertime is winding down.
Motorcycle rides
through Lancaster County
Around the bends he puts
his hand on my leg
and I know I am safe
Late August and the days
are getting shorter
The moon is getting fuller
It's back to the grind now.
Emotional Unavailability Is Bullshit
I don't get it and I never will, I know that much. My life has become significantly less complicated since I've whittled down the number of lovers I have at any given time to a very, very small one. But that's not to say the ones I keep close don't throw me into a spin every once in a while. I've been played the "emotionally unavailable" card 4 times in the past year, and I just don't get it. I'm actually starting to think it's a cop out. It's easier than saying, I like you, but not enough to pursue something more significant with you.
The first time I was handed this line, I accepted it without too much hesitation, although I was somewhat devastated upon hearing it. Okay, you've got a lot of shit floating around in your head, I understand where you're coming from. I really can't blame you, thanks for your honesty.
The second time it came from the infamous Buzzard. Yeah, yeah, fuck you and your "issues." You figured it would just be easier to tell me that you were unable to give me what I needed out of a relationship as opposed to flat-out saying, "I don't want a girlfriend, I just want to fuck bitches." Because honestly honey, everybody knows at this point that that's all you care about. You don't have "issues," you're just a sleazy old man now that eventually no woman is going to want. Especially once your prick falls off.
The third time I got the line, I hadn't expected to feel the way I was starting to about the other person involved. We started out as casual lovers, and things escalated as we started spending more time together. I liked how he made me feel, how much fun we had together, and his happy-go-lucky approach to life. He was very attentive to my needs, respectful and honest with me. So I laid it out on the table for him, prepared for whatever he handed back to me. And of course, it was the same spiel. Okay, I understand work is kicking your ass and owning a business can stress you out to the max. Yes, it sucks that the last relationship you were in ended badly, but so did mine. It hasn't stopped me from being receptive when something better comes my way. But if you claim you like being with me, we can't deny how mind-blowing the sex is and that we both feel at ease with each other, yet you can't make room for me in your life, then there's nothing I can do about it. Thanks for your honesty. Time for me to move on.
The fourth time I heard this line, I was actually a little surprised. It came up in casual conversation, not in terms of, "This is what I want and this is what I think it should be," when referring to a relationship. I may feel as though I've been a little misled, but I'm not hurt, nor have I ever been hurt by this person. I looked straight at him and replied, "If I made myself emotionally unavailable, if I put up a wall and refused to ever let anyone in at all, I'd miss out on so much. Yes, it's risky, but my life has been enriched by the relationships I've had." I personally think you need to move on because you deserve better. I don't like the way she hurt you and I don't think you have any valid reasons for wanting her back other than the fact that you grew accustomed to her being around. I don't expect you to move right on to me, you need to do it for yourself. Whether or not I fit into your future is a moot point.
Maybe I feel this way because when my last full-blown, intent-to-marry, relationship ended, I was the one who dealt it the final blow. I made the decision to end it, I dropped the bomb and literally ran the other way. I cut off all communication, I didn't want anything from him, I left all kinds of shit at his house, which was returned to me one way or another through mutual friends without ever having to see each other face to face. I knew it was the only way.
These people who keep going back to the scene of the crime make me sick. No wonder you're miserable. No wonder you're cynical. No wonder you come to believe you are "emotionally unavailable." If my ex was able to rebuild the shambles I left his life in, then you can too. If I was able to walk away from Buzzard, then you can walk away from the person who poisons your very soul.
Fuck this being emotionally unavailable. I'm here to love everyone who crosses my path at different times, or all at the same time, what's it matter? These four specific experiences have only made me stronger and more aware of what it is I want out of life and out of love. To break it down,
The first time I was handed this line, I accepted it without too much hesitation, although I was somewhat devastated upon hearing it. Okay, you've got a lot of shit floating around in your head, I understand where you're coming from. I really can't blame you, thanks for your honesty.
The second time it came from the infamous Buzzard. Yeah, yeah, fuck you and your "issues." You figured it would just be easier to tell me that you were unable to give me what I needed out of a relationship as opposed to flat-out saying, "I don't want a girlfriend, I just want to fuck bitches." Because honestly honey, everybody knows at this point that that's all you care about. You don't have "issues," you're just a sleazy old man now that eventually no woman is going to want. Especially once your prick falls off.
The third time I got the line, I hadn't expected to feel the way I was starting to about the other person involved. We started out as casual lovers, and things escalated as we started spending more time together. I liked how he made me feel, how much fun we had together, and his happy-go-lucky approach to life. He was very attentive to my needs, respectful and honest with me. So I laid it out on the table for him, prepared for whatever he handed back to me. And of course, it was the same spiel. Okay, I understand work is kicking your ass and owning a business can stress you out to the max. Yes, it sucks that the last relationship you were in ended badly, but so did mine. It hasn't stopped me from being receptive when something better comes my way. But if you claim you like being with me, we can't deny how mind-blowing the sex is and that we both feel at ease with each other, yet you can't make room for me in your life, then there's nothing I can do about it. Thanks for your honesty. Time for me to move on.
The fourth time I heard this line, I was actually a little surprised. It came up in casual conversation, not in terms of, "This is what I want and this is what I think it should be," when referring to a relationship. I may feel as though I've been a little misled, but I'm not hurt, nor have I ever been hurt by this person. I looked straight at him and replied, "If I made myself emotionally unavailable, if I put up a wall and refused to ever let anyone in at all, I'd miss out on so much. Yes, it's risky, but my life has been enriched by the relationships I've had." I personally think you need to move on because you deserve better. I don't like the way she hurt you and I don't think you have any valid reasons for wanting her back other than the fact that you grew accustomed to her being around. I don't expect you to move right on to me, you need to do it for yourself. Whether or not I fit into your future is a moot point.
Maybe I feel this way because when my last full-blown, intent-to-marry, relationship ended, I was the one who dealt it the final blow. I made the decision to end it, I dropped the bomb and literally ran the other way. I cut off all communication, I didn't want anything from him, I left all kinds of shit at his house, which was returned to me one way or another through mutual friends without ever having to see each other face to face. I knew it was the only way.
These people who keep going back to the scene of the crime make me sick. No wonder you're miserable. No wonder you're cynical. No wonder you come to believe you are "emotionally unavailable." If my ex was able to rebuild the shambles I left his life in, then you can too. If I was able to walk away from Buzzard, then you can walk away from the person who poisons your very soul.
Fuck this being emotionally unavailable. I'm here to love everyone who crosses my path at different times, or all at the same time, what's it matter? These four specific experiences have only made me stronger and more aware of what it is I want out of life and out of love. To break it down,
- If I had put my guard up after I left my ex, I would have never started down the path of self discovery.
- If I hadn't gone through every bit of emotional trauma caused by Buzzard, I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am today. I still wouldn't know that I deserve to be treated with respect, and telling Buzzard to fuck off was how I learned it.
- I know now that it's not the end of the world if a partner doesn't feel the same way I do. I've learned acceptance, and also that I can't control another human being's emotions. If they don't want the same things, then it's time to move on.
- It's all about balance. When my fourth experience with the E-U card came, I pretty much blew it off. I was only able to do so because the relationship I have with this person is something of an anomaly. We are equal parts friends and lovers, cut and dry. There's no using or being used because we both genuinely care about each other and have for a long time.
September Free Styling, #1
Strolling the boardwalk like
we're back in high school
Amazing how much things
have changed since
I became legal
Gaping at the epitome
of Overweight America
Everyone on a cell phone
Come on, we're going through
the Haunted House
I want to be like the cute old couple
camped out in the sand
just a few feet away
We're talking about food
We're talking about sex
the sex we have
free and uninhibited
Pass the Magic Hat please
A beach town I knew existed
but never actually saw
up until now
We have breakfast at noon
after sleepy-eyed lovemaking
I wore my red bikini for you.
we're back in high school
Amazing how much things
have changed since
I became legal
Gaping at the epitome
of Overweight America
Everyone on a cell phone
Come on, we're going through
the Haunted House
I want to be like the cute old couple
camped out in the sand
just a few feet away
We're talking about food
We're talking about sex
the sex we have
free and uninhibited
Pass the Magic Hat please
A beach town I knew existed
but never actually saw
up until now
We have breakfast at noon
after sleepy-eyed lovemaking
I wore my red bikini for you.
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