So my little story has seemingly turned into a saga. Not much has changed over the last month or so, aside from the fact that we're talking a little more openly about relationships, specifically ours, hypothetically what it would be like if we became exclusive. What bewilders me about it all is that I have not, for one second, over analyzed anything about it. I haven't driven myself crazy going over every little detail of our relationship like I've done with past ones, and it still continues to be...easy. I hope it will stay that way.
One important detail of our relationship is that we live about a half an hour away from each other. It may not seem like much, it's an easy drive and I love the little town he lives in, but it can be an obstacle at times. My job entails my driving several miles a week, so the fact that we're spending more time together could prove to be a strain on me mostly, because I usually go to him. So far it hasn't been a problem.
I went up there to be with the other night, because he told me he wanted me there. He's going through a rough time and yesterday he signed away his house. The one he bought with his ex. He told me last week that it was happening and that he would really appreciate it if I came up and spent that particular night with him. At the time, my schedule had me working in Douglassville the next day, so staying with him would have benefited in two ways - I would have been there for him and cut a half an hour off of my drive to work.
My schedule was changed at the last minute and I was put on a job down in Dover. Instead of telling him that I couldn't stay because it would have added a half an hour to my drive to work, I went up there. I knew he needed me. And he was incredibly appreciative. I knew how much it meant to him to have me there.
As we were curled up on the couch, he started talking. About us. I'm having a hard time remembering exactly what he said, because he was stumbling over his words.
"I knew exactly what I wanted to say earlier, and it made absolute sense when I went over it in my head, but now I can't figure out how the hell to say it."
I just sat and listened, being patient in the hopes that he'd come out and spill it. What I ended up with was something along the lines of -
"You came up here to be with me tonight because I needed you to, and you're not my girlfriend. That, to me, means more than it would have if you were my girlfriend. That's something I don't want to lose if we were to be together, all the bullshit I'm going through that's preventing me from being emotionally available aside. If you were my girlfriend, you'd be here, no question."
I turned this over in my head, trying to make some sense of it.
"You're saying it'd be a given that I'd be here, there, wherever, at all times because I'd be obligated to."
"Yes...no...kind of? I think I'm confusing myself."
I've never had this kind of relationship before, where we talk about this stuff, not even to resolve anything, and then gone to sleep in his arms the very same night with no awkwardness between us.
(Did I mention how good the sex is?)
It's not even like I have the constant nagging feeling that this could end at any moment, because, oddly enough, I don't. He doesn't do anything that aggravates the shit out of me, that hurts me, that tears me down or emotionally damages me. He never has.
So what am I feeling right now?
I honestly don't fucking know. And I'm okay with that.
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