There are times I feel like no matter how much money I squirrel away, something will always happen to make it disappear. Then I think, how do people do it? How do they get married, buy houses, and have children when I know they are plagued by the same fears that plague me? I guess the answer is simple - they just do. My mother says the same thing.
Things change, people are born, they live, they work, they love, they hate, they work some more, try to live a decent life, and then they die, life goes on.
It is a simple concept, it's just a really hard one to accept, especially for people like me.
I'm not sitting here bitching and complaining about my awful life, as I sip gourmet coffee (a Christmas gift) in a mug I bought when I went out to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame this past weekend, bundled up in warm clothes with properly running heat. I unbelievably aware of how lucky and blessed I am to have a roof over my head, don't think for one minute I take anything for granted.
Maybe if I list the ways I've fucked up that I have since worked so hard to remedy, I'll feel a little better about myself? Let's go.
- Back in 2009 I defaulted so bad on my car loan that my car was repossessed.
- Around the same time the car insurance company became tired of not getting paid and dropped me.
- I lost my health insurance for the same reason.
- I've had to borrow $20 from friends just to put some gas in my car.
- I've defaulted on my school loans.
- My credit card debt was so out of control that I just started ignoring the notices that came in the mail and the phone calls that came every day.
- For months, every bank statement I received had a negative balance.
So let's now look at how I remedied (or at least tried to) all of these problems.
- I got my car back and resumed making the payments on time. (We'll leave it at that.)
- I did end up driving without car insurance for a good year or two. I don't condone anyone doing that, but once I was a little more financially stable, I secured myself some affordable insurance and have never missed a payment since.
- Same goes for my health insurance. I did my best to take care of myself so as not to get sick, I went off birth control for about a year (which is actually recommended for women who are on it for long periods of time.) And again, once I was back on my feet, I applied for individual coverage that I could afford.
- I called the company associated with my school loans and got back on track with them. I was able to defer my loans until I was able to start paying them again, and since then have not needed a deference, nor missed a payment.
- I consolidated all of my credit card debt. I know that's not the best way to handle things, but it was my only hope. The woman I worked with offered me comfort and solace as I cried to her over the phone, as she pointed out to me that my case was no where near the astronomical ones they typical handle.
- I also stopped wasting money on trivial things like getting my nails done, (which I can do myself,) going out to the bars so often, and packing my lunch for work instead of hitting the Wawa every other day. (Except for coffee refills of course.)
But that little voice still nags me. "Sure, you may be relatively back on your feet and supporting yourself, but what about a family? Don't you want to buy a house one day? How will you afford a mortgage payment? Childcare? College-fucking-tuition?"
Maybe once I realize that it's a never ending cycle, that there will always be things out of my control, I can accept it and just keep moving forward. This constant feeling of being stuck? It's getting really old.
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