Mindfuck Suicide

Depression is a funny thing. It's extremely hard to cope with. Mine comes with ups and downs, usually in successive fashion. Today for instance, my mind was stuck in overdrive. Wanting things it could not have. Wishing it could change things it has no control over. A mind hopped up on caffeine and nicotine. I cleaned out my armour, throwing away broken, cheap, and tarnished jewelry, and setting aside pieces worth getting fixed. Like both watches and two bracelets the Ex gave to me, a bracelet from his brother, and the anklet my father gave to me. I hate that I get so bent out of shape over the absence of a male presence in my life. It should not have as firm a grasp as it does on me. Of course it is the reason I let myself be used and abused and disrespected over and over again. That I can at least change. But I'm very melancholy right now. Sitting in my room, smoking and listening to music that just provokes the sadness and feelings of desolation. And since misery loves company, I of course wish I was lying next to someone, so that we could wallow in our sorrow together, chain-smoking as the music plays on, with no need for any words to be spoken because the air would be thick enough with gloom and cigarette smoke. Just laying side by side, nothing but our arms making any kind of physical contact with each other, staring at the ceiling. A sort of temporary mindfuck suicide, if such a thing exists.

Sometimes I get down on myself when I think about how I can no longer give any kind of innocence to anyone. It's not really a feeling of regret...it's hard to explain. It's having been burned beyond recognition, desensitized, jaded by things mistaken for love. Having my boundaries crossed one too many times by someone, maybe even more than one, who was undeserving of that privilege. Or was he? I never really can tell sometimes. But the bottom line is that the walls are going up. Brick by brick I am building a fortress around myself, and it's not because of the actions of others towards me. It's because I let those outside forces penetrate me, and I can no longer let anyone in, for my own safety and for theirs. I've become the typical angel with a broken halo, another statistic, just another body taking up space in the crowd. And I wonder why I just want to pick up and take off for the West Coast, leaving everything behind me...