April 27, 2003

What is the center of my being?
What does every aspect of my life gravitate towards?
Sometimes I feel like you put in my hand a loaded gun
and then told me not to fire it.
Life would be easier if I tried not to focus on the "why."
I want to bend and break and bare it all.
I want to find my King and then break him
So that I know he is mine.
But I want a love that is unbreakable.

To rise above my imperfections is to abandon
My visions of perfection, not to block them out
Or put on a front that leads everyone to believe
That I am okay.
I am loud I am rowdy I am restless
I am always waiting for something bigger to come along
And blow me away rather than being the captivator myself.
I have fears and paranoia that drive me crazy.
I fear that I will never find my King
Because my heart has already been mutilated
And every man I have ever loved has left me.
I feel like damaged goods.
"These and other lucky witnesses..."
DRIVE FASTER...

At the same time I feel invincible, empowered and cocky.
I AM A WOMAN and I am UNBREAKABLE but what happens
When I fall?
It's been fuck and run since I was 17
So whens it ever going to change?
I've had my grip on so many things but I always manage
To lose it because even I fail to see what's good
Or what benefits me.

I AM NOT READY TO LOVE.
So why do I feel empty?
I walk tall and proud but I'm on my knees when no one's around.
This is all part of me -
The ever-changing hair, twice pierced belly button
and light brown eyes...
Every part of me is what it is
For a reason and sometimes there just isn't one.

Me and my alcoholic father...
Musicians, fights and family...
"Send the pain below..."
I hook up then get up and go
"It's much like suffocating..."
"I'm a lady, down on love..."
Please overlook my hurt,
I'm tired of it always being about ME.
"It's much like suffocating."
Words, Pain, Sex, Love, Smoke, Haze, Dream.
I have to stop before I burn OUT.