I'll Be There For You...Not

Every day I get more and more fed up.  People and their bullshit antics are tiring me out.  No one holds any amount of dependability, especially those I call my "friends."  It's a very rude awakening to turn around and realize you are completely alone. 
No, I'm not being a drama queen.  My best friend of 16 years?  Can't remember the last time we talked.  Same goes for the girls in high school I stayed tight with up until about 2 years ago.  Growing apart because of marriages and babies and careers is understandable.  A friend you know you can call even if you haven't spoken in months and not skip a beat is a rare gem.  I'm down to one of those kinds of friends.  And she lives two and half hours away now.
When you get to the point where you would feel uncomfortable picking up the phone to call the person who used to be there for you through thick & thin and vice versa, then you know the friendship has just about gone down the shitter.  If it is salvagable, it's going to take alot of work.
It's so much easier to walk away from a friend in need than to be there for them when their world has come crashing down I guess?  Because that's what all of mine did.  Sure, my girls were there for me when MomMom got sick, when I ripped my Ex's heart out of his chest and smashed it on the floor, and then when I had the same thing done to me.  But when it all boils down, when the demons start waking up in my own head, I'm on my own.
I'm getting used to it.  But it fucking sucks.  I'm now deathly afraid to get close to anyone because I believe they will eventually desert me.  (It is kind of strange - I'm not a needy girlfriend per se, but I am an incredibly needy friend.) Sure, A & T call me their "road dawg," but I'm terrified of having them abandon me.  I had to explain this to T after he started lecturing me when I would wig out about A not calling me every day anymore because he's seeing someone now.
You don't understand, you guys are all I've got.  You take care of me, you look out for me, you help me to forget all that is fucked up and the crumpled mess my life is in when we're all together.

If you tell me I can depend on you, I am going to take you up on that so you better mean it.  Because I will return the favor tenfold.  Lately though, I can't say I'm much better.  Why invest in relationships when everyone else around you takes the easy way out and walks away when the shit hits the fan?

It's turned me into a cold, cynical bitch that no one is allowed to get close to.