If They Didn't Like Chubby Girls, I Wouldn't Be Such A Slut

So I've never been one of those "skinny girls."

Thick
Curvy
Solid
Voluptuous

But I've never really battled with my weight either.  When I was in my early twenties though, I was a fucking porker.  And of course I'm going to blame it on my Ex.  Not because I figured, Hey, I've got a man, he's not going anywhere, fuck it, but because at that time in my life I ate when I was stressed out, I was on birth control, and he was a big guy who could and did eat anything he wanted.  Lots of it.  So when I was sitting across from him at the dinner table, my subconscious was matching him bite for bite.

In November of 2007, I got my bridesmaid's dress for my brother's wedding, which was taking place in March of 2008.  When I tried it on, it just fit.  But I didn't think to myself, Oh my God!  I have to lose 74209732 lbs before the wedding!

My job that I started in November of 2007 as well required lots of walking.  So I'd be lapping seven floors of Christiana Hospital several times during one shift.  Great, I was exercising.  And I joined the gym there, so I'd work out before or after my shifts.  But my "taking lunch" consisting of getting into my car and driving across the street to smoke as many cigarettes as I could in a half an hour. 

Right after Christmas, my relationship started on a downhill slide.  I was getting very restless and unhappy.  I wanted a ring on my finger and a baby in my belly, but I was starting to think that I didn't want it all to be with the Ex.  So my anxiousness and unhappiness manifested itself by way of me losing my appetite.  Completely.  And everything that was missing in my current relationship, I was looking for in other places.

I really wasn't making a conscious effort to lose weight.  I was still healthy, even with the extra weight and the fact that I smoke up to a pack and a half of Camels a day.  My blood pressure was on point, my cholesterol and all the other vitals were fantastic, and my immune system was something to be envious of.  (Everything still is, BTW.)  But my clothes started getting baggier and I had to tighten my belt a notch...then two...then three. 

By the time I put the bridesmaid's dress on for the actual wedding it fit me much better - I could breathe and not have to worry about the zipper ripping loose in the middle of the ceremony.

I ended my relationship with the Ex two weeks after my brother's wedding.  There was nuclear fallout.  Stalking, cops being called, tears, fights, drama drama drama.  I had started sleeping with Buzzard, and by then my diet consisted of diet Pepsi, a cookie every once in a while, and alcohol.  Lots of alcohol.  My form of exercise?  Sex.  Because with Buzzard, I think I burned more calories than if I had run 5 or even 10 Ks.  My personal life was in shambles and the weight kept coming off.  I look back at that time now and am not proud of what I see.

When I finally got most of my shit together, I managed to maintain, which is better than nothing.  I'm still not considered thin, in fact, I think I'm ranked among the "morbidly obese," even though I don't jiggle when I walk and can kick your ass if you pissed me off enough.  I am solid, sturdy, strong, and pretty well-proportioned for a girl my height.  But now I feel another avalanche coming on, I'm tightening my belt again, and it's being fueled by cheese & crackers and Jagerbombs.