More Updates

• My Mama will never have to give up her home.  The black cloud that hung over this 4 bedroom colonial that she has made her home with her blood, sweat and tears, (a bit of mine as well,) is gone.

• Mine and Buzzard's relationship has reached some form of normalcy, if one can call it that.  He's been very supportive these past few months, letting me vent and cry to him about my Pop.  I've gotten over my disgust for the way things were going between us; it's almost like we've come to a truce.  I can text him in the middle of the night when I'm lying on the floor in tears, and I can text him at 9 in the morning if I'm horny and need cigarettes.  I still can't let myself fall like I did all those years ago, but right now, he's all I've got.  

• Drugstore Cowboy broke my fucking heart.  I think the worst part was the disappointment that came with it.  I put him on too high of a pedestal with expectations that he failed miserably to meet.  I fell under the spell of his cock and became addicted to the whatever drug it was that emanated from his skin.  I came to believe he was more of a man than he ended up being in the end.  It's his loss, right?  But fuck am I going to miss the late night rendezvous with him in my bed, his bed, someone else's bed, the swimming pool...fuck.

• My nephew is growing up so fast!  He's walking, forming words, and is an eating machine.  He has been the light of our lives, especially since losing Pop.

• Maybe I'm maturing, maybe I'm not, but the one night stands have considerably come to a halt, and I've even unconsciously cut off a few of the stand-bys, friends-with-benefits if you will.  I don't know why, maybe it's because I've become lazy, and if you can't be at my house within 20 minutes and vice versa, it's not worth it to me anymore.

So that's where I'm at right now.  Am I lonely?  Yes.  Am I in mourning?  Yes.  Am I learning new things about myself with every passing day?  Yes.  But look, here comes the sun, little darling...

Time Doesn't Heal

I haven't posted since February because on the 25th of that month, mine and my family's world was turned upside down by tragedy.  I had started writing a post recounting the hours and days following the car accident that took my father's life, but I don't have the will in me to finish it yet.  So it just sits for now.  Maybe one day...

I've been doing a lot of reflecting since it happened and am amazed at all the good memories that float up to the front of my mind when I think of my Pop.  It may or may not be evident from previous posts that my relationship with my father was a rocky one.  But the bottom line is that he was my Daddy, I loved him while he was still here on earth, and I will always love him.  There will be a void in my heart for the rest of my life.  We all loved him, my mother probably most of all, even in spite of the turmoil that took place throughout most of their relationship.

If it weren't for my family and friends, I would not be able to go on.  If I couldn't count on a select few to pick me up off the bathroom floor when I simply don't want to get up, I would not be able to go on.  I thank God every day for these people, because they are everything to me.  Ma made a very good observation the other day, that time will not heal our wound.  It will never fill the void that was created when Pop died.  But time keeps moving on, and we must keep moving on as well.  Time does not heal, but force us to adapt.  When you lose someone you love so dearly, you learn to adapt to them not being around anymore.

Me and Pop, August 1983

Pop and Nicholas, 2010

I plan on writing again.  It's cathartic for me, and it's helping me cope with losing Pop, so stay tuned for updates.