When I got into my car after work one day a few weeks ago I looked at my phone and saw a text message - Hey how have you been - from an unsaved number. But I knew all too well who it was - it was that monster from my past, the one I thought I had abolished from my life. Second time in a week. I waited a half an hour to text him back, finally deciding that it was possible for me to be grown up about it. "I'm good how about you?" He immediately texted back. "Call me."
I restrained from giving him the response I was really thinking.
Ugh! Why?? What do you want from me? I haven't seen or had contact with you since the beginning of the summer. You destroyed me beyond recognition and I finally wised up, walked away, and rebuilt my life! Remember how I said I didn't want your bullshit and I don't need it, so fuck you?? I meant that! Why do you feel the need to contact me now? Because you're lonely? Because you fucked up and are just now realizing it?
I switched on my blue tooth and did it. I called the bastard. Why not? I'm a big girl now and he can't hurt me anymore. I'm strong enough to not get sucked back into his twisted world. He asked how I was and what was new, we bullshitted for a bit and he asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. I didn't have any plans and it was still early so I figured why the hell not, let's see what the bastard really wants.
"Where should we go? I'm banned from Cheney's...something happened with the club...I'm not even sure what, I wasn't involved..."
(Yeah, right, I'm sure you were right there in the middle of whatever it was. And if Cheney's can ban you shitheads why can't Murph's? I know and like the owners and don't want you around them.)
We ended up meeting at a bar down the street from my house, one that - believe it or not - neither of us had been to. We figured it was safe because we wouldn't see anyone we knew. He was concerned about club affiliations I'm sure, but so was I; I didn't need anyone I knew seeing me with him in general.
As I sat in the parking lot waiting for him I wondered what my reaction was going to be when I saw him for the first time in four months. I was surprised that he had called me this soon; I expected at least another couple of months to go by before I heard from him. Deep down, regardless of the fact that I truly didn't care if I had never heard from him again, I knew he wouldn't stay away. But I wouldn't go as far as to say that I was anticipating it.
So what happened when I saw him walk up to the door? Nothing. I watched him from my car for a few seconds; he was the on the phone, looking around for me. Some things never change. Was I nervous? Of course. I was about to have a drink with a man who had been a huge part of my life for four years - a love affair that ended in a bitter and nasty manner. At least on my end.
He didn't look bad. Bummer. I was secretly hoping he looked like hell so I wouldn't feel anything at all, not even a slight tug in the place he used to know so well. But really it made no difference - I didn't feel anything when I saw him.
We went and sat at the bar, he was still on the phone, toting paperwork he had to get finished up. Of course. Let's fill out tax forms and mail motorcycle payments from the bar. No big deal. I was shaking my head every time he wasn't looking. That's one of the things that used to piss me off about him - whenever I expected or needed undivided attention, I never got it. His mind was always somewhere else. It wasn't until the checks were written and envelopes sealed that he fixed his gaze on me. Jesus, it was like looking at a trashy version of Christian Grey, wearing jeans and work boots and covered in tattoos. Minus the red hair. Shudder. I had so much I wanted to spew at him. I wanted to berate him, tear him down and point out every single one of his flaws. That would have taken all night so I decided against it. Instead I played cordial. One word answers. He doesn't need to know I'm seeing someone. He doesn't need to know what I do in my spare time anymore. I'm content with him being oblivious when it comes to my personal life. I in turn asked the general, polite questions, working my way up to what I really wanted to hear from him - how his life has gone to shit since I left. I know all the details already, I just wanted to hear from his own mouth. But he wouldn't grant me that pleasure.
So really all that happened that night was a couple of old friends catching up. We parted ways with a hug and a kiss, and I had the feeling that wouldn't be the last time I saw him...
I was right.
So what happened when I saw him walk up to the door? Nothing. I watched him from my car for a few seconds; he was the on the phone, looking around for me. Some things never change. Was I nervous? Of course. I was about to have a drink with a man who had been a huge part of my life for four years - a love affair that ended in a bitter and nasty manner. At least on my end.
He didn't look bad. Bummer. I was secretly hoping he looked like hell so I wouldn't feel anything at all, not even a slight tug in the place he used to know so well. But really it made no difference - I didn't feel anything when I saw him.
We went and sat at the bar, he was still on the phone, toting paperwork he had to get finished up. Of course. Let's fill out tax forms and mail motorcycle payments from the bar. No big deal. I was shaking my head every time he wasn't looking. That's one of the things that used to piss me off about him - whenever I expected or needed undivided attention, I never got it. His mind was always somewhere else. It wasn't until the checks were written and envelopes sealed that he fixed his gaze on me. Jesus, it was like looking at a trashy version of Christian Grey, wearing jeans and work boots and covered in tattoos. Minus the red hair. Shudder. I had so much I wanted to spew at him. I wanted to berate him, tear him down and point out every single one of his flaws. That would have taken all night so I decided against it. Instead I played cordial. One word answers. He doesn't need to know I'm seeing someone. He doesn't need to know what I do in my spare time anymore. I'm content with him being oblivious when it comes to my personal life. I in turn asked the general, polite questions, working my way up to what I really wanted to hear from him - how his life has gone to shit since I left. I know all the details already, I just wanted to hear from his own mouth. But he wouldn't grant me that pleasure.
So really all that happened that night was a couple of old friends catching up. We parted ways with a hug and a kiss, and I had the feeling that wouldn't be the last time I saw him...
I was right.
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