Just want to take a minute to give props to two of my favorite authors.
I don't usually go all fan-girl over, well, anyone, but I kind of do for Jen Lancaster. Even though our styles are completely opposite - I can't rock LaCoste shirts and I don't think she's into leather and spiked heels, when I picked up Bitter Is The New Black, I was hooked. I could relate to what her and husband went through went the dot com bubble burst, albeit on a much smaller scale. I may not have physically stood in the unemployment line clutching my Prada bag, but I filed online with my tub full of Pradas upstairs in my closet. I laugh out loud every five minutes while reading her work. The grace (and satire) with which she handled everything that happened to her gives me hope and inspiration. If I'm feeling depressed or throwing myself a pity party because I've destroyed my credit and can't afford to live on my own right now, I pick up one of her books and my mood lightens, instantly. Her writing also gives me hope and a reminder that if I'm unhappy, I am the only one who can turn things around for myself. [Getting the actual fire to do it lit under my ass is a whole different beast.]
You can check her out on Facebook here.
You can also find her on Twitter here.
Ok, maybe I fan-girl over more people than I care to admit, because I have a deep affinity for Erica Jong. When I picked up Fear of Flying roughly 30 years after it was published, the iconic book that turned 40 in 2013, I was blown away and immediately devoured everything she has written. She has the ability to write so frankly about sex and relationships and not make them seem dirty or taboo. She's got the guts and gusto to write what she feels, and damn is this woman educated. I would love to pick her brain, but I wouldn't even know where to start. I can relate in some way, shape, or form, to every one of her books, particularly Any Woman's Blues. [It's intense. I highly recommend everyone read it.]
You can check her out on Facebook here.
You can also find her on Twitter here.
There Are No Life Jackets In The Ocean of Separation...
...so when you try to swim across it, you will drown.
I need some feedback on this one.
I'm getting tired of re-hashing all that has done down this past month and a half between my Ex and I, but I can't help it. It's like having tasted my first shot of Fireball, discovering something painfully awesome, and so once the first shot goes down, I go into overdrive and ultimately wake up with killer heartburn.
Here's what I want feedback on. If someone breaks your heart - would you remain in contact with them or make every effort possible to cut off all communication in order to heal? I'm not asking for myself - I've been there, done that, even have a couple of crappy tee shirts from the trip.
I have every reason to suspect that my ex never stopped communicating with the *cough* rhymes-with-witch *cough* that broke his heart over two years ago. And I have every reason to suspect that it is one of the main reasons he shattered my world when he told me that, basically, he hasn't moved on from that relationship and couldn't devote himself wholly to ours.
I've been talking back and forth with a mutual friend of ours and that's when this realization hit me - that in order to heal, in order to even consider maintaining some sort of friendship with someone who has broken our heart, an ocean of time and space between both parties needs to be established for an extended period of time, no?
When I split up with the man I had been with for years, the one I thought I was going to marry, I threw that barricade up as quickly as I could, in order to save him the heartache of not getting the opportunity to move on. Was it hard? Of-fucking-course! Did it always work? No. For the first six months he did everything he could to break me down, but I refused to let him. Granted, I was the one who left, but he was the one who had broken my heart by refusing to put in the effort to fix everything that was wrong in our relationship. Did I question my decision to end it? Every day. Sometimes, even six years later, I still do. But deep down I know it was the right one. Has he moved on? Absolutely. And he's better off for it, I'm sure. Do I still talk to him? Not so much, but if we cross paths, it is what it is (as much I hate that phrase,) and we have the ability to be amicable. But it took an ocean of time and space.
When Buzzard broke my heart, I refused to contact him. I deleted his phone number, I didn't respond to his calls or text messages for nearly seven months. Because of the willpower I possessed, I was able to move on with my life and rebuild it, brick by brick, and I am so much better for it. Now I can view him as a friend, there is no longing to be back with him, to be involved romantically with him because I put an ocean of time and space between us. Sometimes I still do just because I don't want to be involved in the drama that he is such a magnet for.
So am I wrong? Does it not make sense that in order to heal from a broken heart, hell, a broken life, we must separate ourselves from the one who caused it?
I need some feedback on this one.
I'm getting tired of re-hashing all that has done down this past month and a half between my Ex and I, but I can't help it. It's like having tasted my first shot of Fireball, discovering something painfully awesome, and so once the first shot goes down, I go into overdrive and ultimately wake up with killer heartburn.
Here's what I want feedback on. If someone breaks your heart - would you remain in contact with them or make every effort possible to cut off all communication in order to heal? I'm not asking for myself - I've been there, done that, even have a couple of crappy tee shirts from the trip.
I have every reason to suspect that my ex never stopped communicating with the *cough* rhymes-with-witch *cough* that broke his heart over two years ago. And I have every reason to suspect that it is one of the main reasons he shattered my world when he told me that, basically, he hasn't moved on from that relationship and couldn't devote himself wholly to ours.
I've been talking back and forth with a mutual friend of ours and that's when this realization hit me - that in order to heal, in order to even consider maintaining some sort of friendship with someone who has broken our heart, an ocean of time and space between both parties needs to be established for an extended period of time, no?
When I split up with the man I had been with for years, the one I thought I was going to marry, I threw that barricade up as quickly as I could, in order to save him the heartache of not getting the opportunity to move on. Was it hard? Of-fucking-course! Did it always work? No. For the first six months he did everything he could to break me down, but I refused to let him. Granted, I was the one who left, but he was the one who had broken my heart by refusing to put in the effort to fix everything that was wrong in our relationship. Did I question my decision to end it? Every day. Sometimes, even six years later, I still do. But deep down I know it was the right one. Has he moved on? Absolutely. And he's better off for it, I'm sure. Do I still talk to him? Not so much, but if we cross paths, it is what it is (as much I hate that phrase,) and we have the ability to be amicable. But it took an ocean of time and space.
When Buzzard broke my heart, I refused to contact him. I deleted his phone number, I didn't respond to his calls or text messages for nearly seven months. Because of the willpower I possessed, I was able to move on with my life and rebuild it, brick by brick, and I am so much better for it. Now I can view him as a friend, there is no longing to be back with him, to be involved romantically with him because I put an ocean of time and space between us. Sometimes I still do just because I don't want to be involved in the drama that he is such a magnet for.
So am I wrong? Does it not make sense that in order to heal from a broken heart, hell, a broken life, we must separate ourselves from the one who caused it?
The Anxiety, It'll Kill Ya
So this year did not start out as I had expected. This year started on a down, and I'm the only one who can change that. But I don't know how just yet.
I'm still reeling from losing the man I love. When that happened to me back in November, I was crushed. I am still crushed. But now I'm wondering why I haven't picked up the pieces of my broken heart and started to move on with my life. Usually at this point, a month or so later, I'd be making progress, gaining back my "Whatever, I'll just take on the world, again," attitude. I'd be patching up my wounds with mascara and lipstick and lacing up my shit-kickers, each act a symbol of getting stronger. I'd be even more inclined to keep pushing forward to prove to everyone that I am surviving and will come out of whatever it is trying to hold me down stronger, and more determined than ever to live an amazing life.
But I'm no where near that point.
The other day I realized that I'm not racing towards "the end." If I had to describe it, it feels more like waiting. That's the point I've gotten to. Who in their right mind, at 30 years old, decides to sit around and wait to die? Especially someone like me, a 30 year old woman that has an amazing group of supportive and loving people around her at all times, who has yet to notice the ravages of time on her body (save for the dark circles under my constantly puffy eyes as of late,) and in fact worked very hard to get to where she is now in life? Who took an entire year to better her mind, her body and her career and had some damn good success?
Yeah this woman is the one doing it. And it I need to stop. I worry. Constantly, about things not in my control. I stress over the future instead of letting it become the present and dealing with it in stride.
[I understand everyone stresses over their future. I think a little bit is normal. But I take it to the extreme - my concerns and anxiety are downright paralyzing.]
My mother made a valid point the other night - I am so stuck in my own head that I'm missing out on everything going on around me. I've become an observer of life, and not a participant. So guess what has been to added to my seemingly never-ending list of worries? Just that.
How did this happen to me?
I'm still reeling from losing the man I love. When that happened to me back in November, I was crushed. I am still crushed. But now I'm wondering why I haven't picked up the pieces of my broken heart and started to move on with my life. Usually at this point, a month or so later, I'd be making progress, gaining back my "Whatever, I'll just take on the world, again," attitude. I'd be patching up my wounds with mascara and lipstick and lacing up my shit-kickers, each act a symbol of getting stronger. I'd be even more inclined to keep pushing forward to prove to everyone that I am surviving and will come out of whatever it is trying to hold me down stronger, and more determined than ever to live an amazing life.
But I'm no where near that point.
The other day I realized that I'm not racing towards "the end." If I had to describe it, it feels more like waiting. That's the point I've gotten to. Who in their right mind, at 30 years old, decides to sit around and wait to die? Especially someone like me, a 30 year old woman that has an amazing group of supportive and loving people around her at all times, who has yet to notice the ravages of time on her body (save for the dark circles under my constantly puffy eyes as of late,) and in fact worked very hard to get to where she is now in life? Who took an entire year to better her mind, her body and her career and had some damn good success?
Yeah this woman is the one doing it. And it I need to stop. I worry. Constantly, about things not in my control. I stress over the future instead of letting it become the present and dealing with it in stride.
[I understand everyone stresses over their future. I think a little bit is normal. But I take it to the extreme - my concerns and anxiety are downright paralyzing.]
My mother made a valid point the other night - I am so stuck in my own head that I'm missing out on everything going on around me. I've become an observer of life, and not a participant. So guess what has been to added to my seemingly never-ending list of worries? Just that.
How did this happen to me?
I had the opportunity to be in the crowd on this night. It was only the second time, in all the years I've followed these guys, that I've had the chance to witness this beautiful song played live. And right now, at this point in my life, the lyrics have gained incredibly important meaning.
Stuck In A Rut
I need to snap out of this funk I am currently stuck in, and fast, because it is killing me. I'm going about my days in a fog, mostly fighting tears, sometimes utterly and dangerously ambivalent about everything - myself, my job, the people in my life.
I can't live my life this way.
Something a friend said to me the other day has been stuck in my head. While I was trying to convey my horror that I'm 30 years old and I've yet to find my place in the world while everyone around me seems to have it all together, they looked me and said "It's like...it's like you're racing! It's like you're racing towards...death!" At first I thought I wasn't making sense with what I was trying to say, because, to be completely honest, I'm terrified by the idea of my own mortality. I brushed the comment aside at the time, but it keeps creeping back into my mind.
Is that what I'm doing?
I can't live my life this way.
Something a friend said to me the other day has been stuck in my head. While I was trying to convey my horror that I'm 30 years old and I've yet to find my place in the world while everyone around me seems to have it all together, they looked me and said "It's like...it's like you're racing! It's like you're racing towards...death!" At first I thought I wasn't making sense with what I was trying to say, because, to be completely honest, I'm terrified by the idea of my own mortality. I brushed the comment aside at the time, but it keeps creeping back into my mind.
Is that what I'm doing?
Keeping Busy, Keep My Head Up
Like I've said, I have no expectations nor do I have any idea what 2014 will bring. (Do any of us, ever?) I've been planning a few trips here and there. At the end of January the plan is to go visit one of my cruise buddies out in Ohio. [I was supposed to technically be on my way home from there now , but due to the snowstorm that just blasted the midwest and northeast, I thought it best to stay put.] My brother and sister in law have suggested that instead of going to Ocean City, NJ for the Mid Winter Classic, we all pitch in and rent a house in the Poconos for a weekend. [I'm down with that.] Of course I can't forget to mention the big one - my brother and I will be flying down to New Orleans in March for 311 Day 2 014! There's also lots of planning still to be done for my friend's wedding in June, which I have agreed to be a bridesmaid in. I've sucked up my distaste for Ocean City, MD (where they want to have the bachelorette party,) and am working on squeezing into my positive pants about the whole thing. [It's hard to be excited about planning wedding showers and bachelorette parties and trying on bridesmaid dresses when your own future has been put into serious question.] So between all of that, and my work, I should be pretty busy for a while.
I still don't know what direction my relationship with Philip is going to take. I went to his house the other night, after almost a month and a half of not having seen him. Nothing was actually resolved, of course. I'm still as confused as ever.
Ideally? He'd get over himself and out of his own head and just set down the baggage he's clinging so desperately to. He'd realize that it's not a good idea to let me slip through his fingers because of his stubbornness. He'd get over his commitment issues and hand over his heart, because he already knows that I'd cherish it. But that's wishful thinking, right?
We spent New Years together and it was an emotional rollercoaster for me. It was wonderful being with him, it was wonderful seeing all of the friends I have made over the course of our relationship. But it was hard having someone pull me aside every five minutes and tell me how much they love me. Every time, I wanted to respond, "Thank you, I just wish he felt the same way," but all I could do was let the fact that he and I are no longer together settle in even more.
It's fucking hard.
I still don't know what direction my relationship with Philip is going to take. I went to his house the other night, after almost a month and a half of not having seen him. Nothing was actually resolved, of course. I'm still as confused as ever.
Ideally? He'd get over himself and out of his own head and just set down the baggage he's clinging so desperately to. He'd realize that it's not a good idea to let me slip through his fingers because of his stubbornness. He'd get over his commitment issues and hand over his heart, because he already knows that I'd cherish it. But that's wishful thinking, right?
We spent New Years together and it was an emotional rollercoaster for me. It was wonderful being with him, it was wonderful seeing all of the friends I have made over the course of our relationship. But it was hard having someone pull me aside every five minutes and tell me how much they love me. Every time, I wanted to respond, "Thank you, I just wish he felt the same way," but all I could do was let the fact that he and I are no longer together settle in even more.
It's fucking hard.
2013 - My Year In Review, Part 3
July
On the 10th of July, my brother and I went to see 311 play at Penn's Landing in Philadelphia, the tradition we've adopted of celebrating our birthdays - his June 3, mine August 3. 311 always comes to Philly right smack in the middle of those dates. On this same day, I went to visit my old boss, and asked for my job back. He welcomed me with open arms and much relief. (Dependable people are hard to find in my field.) By the end of my visit, I was booked for the entire month of August and by July 19th, I put in my two weeks notice at the lab I was working in. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
I also started planning my 30th Birthday Bash that was set for Saturday, August 3rd. (How appropriate, my 30th actually falling on a Saturday!)
I don't remember doing anything special for the 4th, I think Philip and I went out for sushi and watched the fireworks at Longwood Gardens from the restaurant parking lot while sitting on the bed of his truck. (Just now realizing how red neck that sounds.)
Lesson Learned - Your job will not be awesome every day. But having coworkers that you adore and can have a good time with, even in the worst of situations, makes all the difference in the world.
August
Ahh, my birthday month! Holy shit! I'm going to be 30!
The first week of this month I went back to my photography gig and it was like I hadn't skipped a beat. My boss wasn't the only one happy (and relieved) to have me back. My schedule went back to the form of normalcy I was accustomed to and I was so much happier.
Saturday, August 3rd, I celebrated my 30th birthday with about 70 of my closest friends and family members right here in my backyard. I had a band, kegs, and made enough food to feed an army. (My mother and I are not ones to have events catered if the guest list is under 100 people.) The menu included meatball sandwiches, sausage and peppers, fried chicken, not to mention homemade dips, fruit, cookies, a huge tray of tomato pie from Serpe's Bakery and other snacks.
It was everything I could have hoped for, my birthday celebration, aside from cloudy skies and a sprinkle or two of rain. Oh well, when it rains, we pour.
The rest of the month was spent soaking up the last days of summer, more barbecues and parties, working relatively normal hours. I didn't get to the beach as much as I would have liked to during the summer of 2013, but that's okay because my bank account proved that it was worth it.
Lesson Learned - There is nothing better than celebrating milestones with friends and family in the comfort of your own backyard.
September
As summer wound down, my fall season went into full swing and I was busy, busy, busy. My finances were recovering nicely (I was saving money! Saving!) and the highlight of this month was celebrating Ma's birthday. Every year I cook up a mountain of lobster macaroni and cheese for the amazing woman I am proud to call my mother. Another success down in the books, celebrated with friends and family. (Duh.)
Philip and I got into our first major fight and, looking back, it was the start of our downhill slide. I had thought, "Ok, we survived, he's still standing and our relationship can only get stronger from this point on." Right. That's what I thought. Things went back to normal for us for the most part, but again, something was different and I couldn't figure out what it was.
In September, I scored tickets for 311 Day 2014 in New Orleans for my brother and I. I didn't think I was going to be able to swing it, what with having gone on the cruise back in March, but when I realized I could afford them, I was all over it. Hence the planning of a trip to NOLA began.
Lesson Learned - Never hold your feelings back. If someone's actions hurt you, tell them, even if it means screaming at them in the lobby of the bar you frequent as a couple.
To be continued...
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| Headed to the "gun show." |
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| 311 on stage. |
I don't remember doing anything special for the 4th, I think Philip and I went out for sushi and watched the fireworks at Longwood Gardens from the restaurant parking lot while sitting on the bed of his truck. (Just now realizing how red neck that sounds.)
Lesson Learned - Your job will not be awesome every day. But having coworkers that you adore and can have a good time with, even in the worst of situations, makes all the difference in the world.
August
Ahh, my birthday month! Holy shit! I'm going to be 30!
The first week of this month I went back to my photography gig and it was like I hadn't skipped a beat. My boss wasn't the only one happy (and relieved) to have me back. My schedule went back to the form of normalcy I was accustomed to and I was so much happier.
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| My & 2 of my best girls. |
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| Keg stand, anyone? |
The rest of the month was spent soaking up the last days of summer, more barbecues and parties, working relatively normal hours. I didn't get to the beach as much as I would have liked to during the summer of 2013, but that's okay because my bank account proved that it was worth it.
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| The annual Papili Family Reunion, August 2013 |
Lesson Learned - There is nothing better than celebrating milestones with friends and family in the comfort of your own backyard.
September
As summer wound down, my fall season went into full swing and I was busy, busy, busy. My finances were recovering nicely (I was saving money! Saving!) and the highlight of this month was celebrating Ma's birthday. Every year I cook up a mountain of lobster macaroni and cheese for the amazing woman I am proud to call my mother. Another success down in the books, celebrated with friends and family. (Duh.)Philip and I got into our first major fight and, looking back, it was the start of our downhill slide. I had thought, "Ok, we survived, he's still standing and our relationship can only get stronger from this point on." Right. That's what I thought. Things went back to normal for us for the most part, but again, something was different and I couldn't figure out what it was.
In September, I scored tickets for 311 Day 2014 in New Orleans for my brother and I. I didn't think I was going to be able to swing it, what with having gone on the cruise back in March, but when I realized I could afford them, I was all over it. Hence the planning of a trip to NOLA began. Lesson Learned - Never hold your feelings back. If someone's actions hurt you, tell them, even if it means screaming at them in the lobby of the bar you frequent as a couple.
To be continued...
2013 - My Year In Review, Part 4
October
Work kept moving along, I started getting back into a regular gym routine, and cold weather started creeping in. Another month of important birthdays, (Nico's, Philip's,) Halloween parties, concerts.
One of my favorite bands, The Dirty Pearls, opened for Tommy Conwell in Philly and I was excited to get to see them in my "concert hometown." My brother, my good friends Jay and Christine and myself all went to the show and had a great time, as usual. I believe I even got to sing a couple lines from "New York City Is A Drug" into the mic when Tommy London made his way down into the crowd.
The last week of this month was nonstop, with celebrating said birthdays and Halloween. Philip's was on the 24th, and I made sure he received nothing but royal treatment the entire week. I love being able to shower that kind of affection on people I love care about. I got him a gift certificate to get the windows of his truck tinted, we went out for sushi, we had every kind of sex he could fantasize about. That weekend we dressed up in our Halloween costumes, Beetlejuice and Lydia, a did a mini tour of bars and parties, even winning first place in a contest we didn't know was happening. All of the hard work I put into those damn costumes totally paid off.
I also thought our relationship was on the upswing...
Lesson Learned - Polyester soaks up white spray paint like a motherfucker.
November
Jenny and I took our 2nd annual shopping trip down to the beach but I had no luck this year. The fact that I was hungover as hell trying to cruise the outlets might have been a factor. Might have. I was incredibly disappointed, but the closing party at the Starboard that Saturday night made up for it.
I had been feeling kind of down in the dumps but my spirits started to lift as the holidays approached. I started to accept that, no matter what, everything will be okay. Just because I struggle sometimes with money or relationships, doesn't mean everything won't be okay in the end. I stress myself out over things that I have no control over, and the Sunday before Thanksgiving, as I was driving home from the Lancaster Outlets with Christmas gifts for 80% of those on my list, I gave up that stress. I just let it go. Everything is going to be okay. My bills were paid, my shopping nearly done without breaking the bank, everything was going to be fine and I felt the negativity I was holding onto lift off my shoulders.
My God, was I wrong.
Two nights before Thanksgiving he dropped the fucking bomb. He broke up with me. Because he doesn't know how to let go of the kind of stress I had rid myself of a day and a half previously. So at a time when I should have been joyous, happy, enjoying good food and time with my family, I was miserable. I had been thrown into a pit of despair. That's what I get for relinquishing stress over things not in my control. Because this, this I could not control. It hit me not like a ton of bricks, but like a Mac truck loaded down with cinderblocks, going 180 miles an hour down the turnpike of my life.
So I spent Thanksgiving weekend numb, in shock, doing everything in my power to not lose my Goddamned mind. Decorating the house for Christmas was a nightmare. That's all my life had become, one big nightmare I couldn't wake up from.
Lesson Learned - The Lancaster Outlets have some damn good sales around Thanksgiving.
Lesson #2 Learned - Nothing prepares you for having your world destroyed and people are awful. Truly, utterly awful.
December
I managed to put on my big-girl panties and a smile and help out with our annual Christmas party, I even donned my Rudolph footie pajamas on Christmas Eve, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I baked a shit ton of cookies and pizzelles and dabbled in more fancy treats like figs and goat cheese wrapped in homemade puff pastry. (Dee-lish, by the way.) Even so, every time I thought I took a step forward, I ended up getting pushed back down on my ass and had to start all over again. I missed him. [I still miss him.] I loved him. [And I still love him.]
I endured the holidays, I'll say that much. I did my best to keep the good stuff front and center - spending time with my Nico, watching him open his presents Christmas morning, and I had begun forcing myself to accept that whatever happens between Philip and I is not under my control. I accepted that I don't know what the future will bring and I will have to be okay with that. I can only continue to make myself a better person, to keep my mind and body healthy, to keep working hard and playing harder.
Lesson Learned - The pizzelle maker is still going to be screaming hot even if it's been unplugged for 10 minutes.
Lesson #2 Learned - If someone can't reciprocate the love you have for them, you are powerless over the situation. But if you love him or her, fucking tell them.
I'll say 2013 was a big year for me. Everything does come full circle. I don't have any words of wisdom, or even any expectations for 2014. All I can do is keep being me.
Work kept moving along, I started getting back into a regular gym routine, and cold weather started creeping in. Another month of important birthdays, (Nico's, Philip's,) Halloween parties, concerts.
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| The Dirty Pearls, Philly, October 2013 |
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| Beetlejuice & Lydia |
I also thought our relationship was on the upswing...
Lesson Learned - Polyester soaks up white spray paint like a motherfucker.
November
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| Dewey Warriors |
I had been feeling kind of down in the dumps but my spirits started to lift as the holidays approached. I started to accept that, no matter what, everything will be okay. Just because I struggle sometimes with money or relationships, doesn't mean everything won't be okay in the end. I stress myself out over things that I have no control over, and the Sunday before Thanksgiving, as I was driving home from the Lancaster Outlets with Christmas gifts for 80% of those on my list, I gave up that stress. I just let it go. Everything is going to be okay. My bills were paid, my shopping nearly done without breaking the bank, everything was going to be fine and I felt the negativity I was holding onto lift off my shoulders.
My God, was I wrong.
Two nights before Thanksgiving he dropped the fucking bomb. He broke up with me. Because he doesn't know how to let go of the kind of stress I had rid myself of a day and a half previously. So at a time when I should have been joyous, happy, enjoying good food and time with my family, I was miserable. I had been thrown into a pit of despair. That's what I get for relinquishing stress over things not in my control. Because this, this I could not control. It hit me not like a ton of bricks, but like a Mac truck loaded down with cinderblocks, going 180 miles an hour down the turnpike of my life.
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| The girls on Thanksgiving |
Lesson Learned - The Lancaster Outlets have some damn good sales around Thanksgiving.
Lesson #2 Learned - Nothing prepares you for having your world destroyed and people are awful. Truly, utterly awful.
December
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| Rockefeller Center |
I did my best to keep busy with work and Christmas preparations. It was hard. It was painstaking. I hadn't cried so much since I lost my father. I have never been more thankful for the friends that I have in my life. They're always there for me, but the extent of how far they'd go for me was proved in helping me pick up, or at least sweep up, the pieces of my shattered heart. My best friend of 20 years, Ann, was right there, talking me off the ledge every day. As was Christine and Jay, Jenny, Jamie. They'd take me out, even if it meant dragging me kicking and screaming because I didn't want to leave the house. Jay, Christine and I ventured up to New York City for The Dirty Pearls' Holiday Show, (notice a pattern?) and got to get in some sight seeing beforehand.
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| The Dirty Pearls, Irving Plaza |
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| Ma and I getting ready for Christmas Eve festivities. |
Lesson Learned - The pizzelle maker is still going to be screaming hot even if it's been unplugged for 10 minutes.
Lesson #2 Learned - If someone can't reciprocate the love you have for them, you are powerless over the situation. But if you love him or her, fucking tell them.
I'll say 2013 was a big year for me. Everything does come full circle. I don't have any words of wisdom, or even any expectations for 2014. All I can do is keep being me.
2013 - My Year In Review, Part 2
April
Warm weather is on the way! Yeah, not so much.
The job continued to go well, but it was getting hard to figure out a rhythm with my new schedule. Working 12:30-9 five days a week doesn't leave much room for a social life. Regardless, my depression was starting to lift. That is, until I realized just how much the pay cut I took leaving my photography gig was affecting my finances. I was barely making ends meet.
The job continued to go well, but it was getting hard to figure out a rhythm with my new schedule. Working 12:30-9 five days a week doesn't leave much room for a social life. Regardless, my depression was starting to lift. That is, until I realized just how much the pay cut I took leaving my photography gig was affecting my finances. I was barely making ends meet.
On the 5th of April, as Philip and I were laying in bed, he told me he wanted to be with me and only me. Take note - this had already been the case for both of us for the past few months, but we never really openly discussed it until that night. He had made me the happiest girl in the world. There may have even been tears (mine and his) involved.
This month my friends and I witnessed the end of an era - one of the best cover bands in the tristate area, Mr. Greengenes, had decided to call it quits and was making their rounds playing their last couple of shows, culminating in a big blowout at Xfinity Live! in Philadelphia. It was a bittersweet time; I had grown up watching these guys play.
Lesson Learned - Don't ever accept a job offer before knowing how much they are going to pay you. Huge mistake on my part.
2nd Lesson Learned - Sometimes, having patience with someone who means the world to you pays off. [Sometimes.]
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| The stage at Xfinity Live! Philadelphia |
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| In the crowd during GG's last Wilmington show. |
Lesson Learned - Don't ever accept a job offer before knowing how much they are going to pay you. Huge mistake on my part.
2nd Lesson Learned - Sometimes, having patience with someone who means the world to you pays off. [Sometimes.]
May
It started to dawn on me that I was spending more time in a lab with people who constantly talked shit behind each others' backs and surrounded by tension, than I was doing anything else. I started to miss the driving that came with my old job, the kids I had worked with, the coworkers who were like a second family to me. But I was determined to stick it out.
Money woes were my main concern, but with the help of my mother, God love her, I was able to pay off a huge chunk of debt and completely revamp my budget.
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| Dewey Beach, Mother's Day 2013 |
My next door neighbor got married on the 18th and the reception was held in my backyard.
The pool didn't get opened until around Memorial Day and this year was quite the nightmare. The water was not clearing up, regardless of what we did to remedy it. We had the filter looked at, the water tested a million times, dumped roughly $500 worth of chemicals into it, to no avail. Major point of contention between my mother and I, let me tell you. And the hardest part for me was not being around to help out much because of my work schedule and the fact that I was splitting my time between Swedesboro (work,) Parkesburg (the boyfriend,) and Wilmington (home.)
Lesson Learned - Have the pool opened the first weekend in May at the latest so that if issues do arise, they can be remedied before Memorial Day.
Lesson Learned - Have the pool opened the first weekend in May at the latest so that if issues do arise, they can be remedied before Memorial Day.
June
The pool dilemma was finally solved when I took a sample of water to Swift Pools, Inc, the guys who actually installed it ten years ago. (Note - I will never, ever, deal with Leslie's Pool Supplies ever again. Don't tell me my water is testing fine and then shake your head in disbelief when I throw my phone at you so you can see the picture I've taken that morning of water that is the color of split pea soup.) Long story short, our pool water was old and retaining solid matter to the point that chemicals were no longer effective. The water is supposed to test something between 1 and 2 thousand PPM, ours was at 3000. After 3 nights of draining and refilling simultaneously, the water was crystal clear in about two days.
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| Tailgating at Blue Gold. |
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| Me and my girl, Jenny. |
I also made the decision to go back to my old photography job while cutting the grass one day. I do some of my most profound thinking and reflection while performing this task.
Lesson learned - Being the "picture lady" for the rest of my life isn't such a bad gig.
Lesson learned - Being the "picture lady" for the rest of my life isn't such a bad gig.
The first half of 2013 was quite the rollercoaster for me, between new adventures, a new job, a new relationship. I felt that I was finally getting my shit together. The whole "Once your mind is in good shape, everything else will fall into place" does actually work. It was my plan all along. It was why I joined the gym, why I got a new job, why I worked so hard to keep my depression at bay. The second half of 2013 turned out a lot different than I had planned...
2013 - My Year In Review
I was going over the posts I've published on this blog over the past year and decided to do a recap. It's strange to look back at what I've written and see how much things have changed for me. I mean, we all know life is constantly changing and evolving, but that's one of the reasons I'm glad I write - sometimes we don't see it even when it's happening right in front of our faces. I do the same thing with my journals - I venture back through the pages, laughing and crying, sometimes disbelieving of my mindset at any given time. This blog is a kind of journal that I'm willing to let other people have a peek at. So, here we go.
January
February
This was the first time I actually enjoyed Valentine's Day, because even though Philip and I hadn't defined our relationship yet, we celebrated like we were and I received a gold-dipped rose from Steven Singer Jeweler's.
The Mid Winter Classic was the best one yet. The annual trip to Ocean City, NJ with friends and cousins was pulled off without a hitch or incident. Philip came with me this year and it was a wonderful respite for the both of us. We were both dealing with internal issues - his job loss, my search for a new one, various levels of depression, etc, but we put it all aside for a weekend of good times with good people. (He mentioned the other day that he still thinks about that weekend and how much fun he had. Well duh, the people I surround myself with are awesome.)
I also vividly recall the day trip we took to the Poconos, he and his friends snowboarding and me skiing. I hadn't been on the slopes in almost 15 years and the day we went had been the two year anniversary of my father's passing. It was the perfect way to honor Pop's life (he was an avid skier.) There's nothing like the rush of flying down the slopes knowing there's nothing to save you if you crash.
Things started to look up for me in March of 2013. I was excited about starting a new career and, most of all, going on my first cruise - with my all time favorite band. Stress was still a major factor in my day to day life - money, work, depression. It all blends together more often than not. But I kept my head up, with the help of Philip, and persevered.
January
Ah, 2013! A new year, a new me? Maybe. My new year technically started in August of 2012, being as that I turned 30 this year. Three decades, man, I've survived three decades on this earth. Let's keep the ball rolling with a positive outlook and a new body! Woohoo!
New Year's was a blast, spent with Philip and the new friends I had made over the past few months. It was a tough month for me though, work was slow and I was struggling with my finances, so my depression was getting the best of me.
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| Trying to cheer up Mr Cranky Pants on NYE. |
I started to going to the gym on a regular basis, being as that I had a lot of free time on my hands, and I was interviewing for a new job because I had become fed up with my photography gig. Philip and I were growing closer together, and I decided that I was going on the 311 Day Cruise come hell or high water.
One of my good friends, Jay, and I braved public transportation and ventured up to New York City to see The Dirty Pearls, one of the best bands to come of that town in the past few years. Even though we were drunk by 4 PM, we still had a blast.
Lesson Learned - Make the best of free time, whether it's by improving your mind and body or helping someone else do it for themselves.
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| Flyer from the Bowery Ballroom. |
Lesson Learned - Make the best of free time, whether it's by improving your mind and body or helping someone else do it for themselves.
February
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| My latest tattoo. |
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| Ready for a night in Atlantic City. |
The Mid Winter Classic was the best one yet. The annual trip to Ocean City, NJ with friends and cousins was pulled off without a hitch or incident. Philip came with me this year and it was a wonderful respite for the both of us. We were both dealing with internal issues - his job loss, my search for a new one, various levels of depression, etc, but we put it all aside for a weekend of good times with good people. (He mentioned the other day that he still thinks about that weekend and how much fun he had. Well duh, the people I surround myself with are awesome.)
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| Hitting the slopes in the Poconos. |
I also vividly recall the day trip we took to the Poconos, he and his friends snowboarding and me skiing. I hadn't been on the slopes in almost 15 years and the day we went had been the two year anniversary of my father's passing. It was the perfect way to honor Pop's life (he was an avid skier.) There's nothing like the rush of flying down the slopes knowing there's nothing to save you if you crash.
I had been hired by a pharmaceutical company and was to start my new job in March. That was reason to celebrate as well.
Lesson Learned - it's probably not smart to participate in one of the most dangerous sports in the world three days before you're to embark on a cruise, but go for it anyway.
Lesson Learned - it's probably not smart to participate in one of the most dangerous sports in the world three days before you're to embark on a cruise, but go for it anyway.
March
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| St Patty's Day, 2013 |
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| Hot tub party! |
The cruise was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was my gift to myself for turning 30 this year and landing a new job. I partied in South Beach and Miami, met and made some awesome new friends that I still keep in touch with, drank my weight and more in booze while managing to never throw up or make a fool of myself - small victory, I know, but sometimes it's the little things, right? And I set foot on an island in the Bahamas for the first time in my life. That, to me, was a major deal.
Philip and I also started going back to church, something I had been wanting to do for a long time. Having a partner who felt the same way and shares the same beliefs as me was also something I've never experienced before, so I was elated.
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| Great Stirrup Cay, March 2013 |
Philip and I also started going back to church, something I had been wanting to do for a long time. Having a partner who felt the same way and shares the same beliefs as me was also something I've never experienced before, so I was elated.
I started my new job about a week after I got back from Miami and was gung-ho about it....
Lesson Learned - 311 fans are some of the most amazing people in the world. They will have your back within minutes of getting to know you.
To be continued...
Lesson Learned - 311 fans are some of the most amazing people in the world. They will have your back within minutes of getting to know you.
To be continued...
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