2013 - My Year In Review, Part 4

October
Work kept moving along, I started getting back into a regular gym routine, and cold weather started creeping in.  Another month of important birthdays, (Nico's, Philip's,) Halloween parties, concerts.

The Dirty Pearls, Philly, October 2013

One of my favorite bands, The Dirty Pearls, opened for Tommy Conwell in Philly and I was excited to get to see them in my "concert hometown."  My brother, my good friends Jay and Christine and myself all went to the show and had a great time, as usual.  I believe I even got to sing a couple lines from "New York City Is A Drug" into the mic when Tommy London made his way down into the crowd.

Beetlejuice & Lydia

The last week of this month was nonstop, with celebrating said birthdays and Halloween.  Philip's was on the 24th, and I made sure he received nothing but royal treatment the entire week.  I love being able to shower that kind of affection on people I love care about.  I got him a gift certificate to get the windows of his truck tinted, we went out for sushi, we had every kind of sex he could fantasize about.  That weekend we dressed up in our Halloween costumes, Beetlejuice and Lydia, a did a mini tour of bars and parties, even winning first place in a contest we didn't know was happening.  All of the hard work I put into those damn costumes totally paid off.
I also thought our relationship was on the upswing...
Lesson Learned - Polyester soaks up white spray paint like a motherfucker.

November

Dewey Warriors

Jenny and I took our 2nd annual shopping trip down to the beach but I had no luck this year.  The fact that I was hungover as hell trying to cruise the outlets might have been a factor.  Might have.  I was incredibly disappointed, but the closing party at the Starboard that Saturday night made up for it.
I had been feeling kind of down in the dumps but my spirits started to lift as the holidays approached.  I started to accept that, no matter what, everything will be okay.  Just because I struggle sometimes with money or relationships, doesn't mean everything won't be okay in the end.  I stress myself out over things that I have no control over, and the Sunday before Thanksgiving, as I was driving home from the Lancaster Outlets with Christmas gifts for 80% of those on my list, I gave up that stress.  I just let it go.  Everything is going to be okay.  My bills were paid, my shopping nearly done without breaking the bank, everything was going to be fine and I felt the negativity I was holding onto lift off my shoulders.
My God, was I wrong.
Two nights before Thanksgiving he dropped the fucking bomb.  He broke up with me.  Because he doesn't know how to let go of the kind of stress I had rid myself of a day and a half previously.  So at a time when I should have been joyous, happy, enjoying good food and time with my family, I was miserable.  I had been thrown into a pit of despair.  That's what I get for relinquishing stress over things not in my control.  Because this, this I could not control.  It hit me not like a ton of bricks, but like a Mac truck loaded down with cinderblocks, going 180 miles an hour down the turnpike of my life.

The girls on Thanksgiving

So I spent Thanksgiving weekend numb, in shock, doing everything in my power to not lose my Goddamned mind.  Decorating the house for Christmas was a nightmare.  That's all my life had become, one big nightmare I couldn't wake up from.
Lesson Learned - The Lancaster Outlets have some damn good sales around Thanksgiving.
Lesson #2 Learned - Nothing prepares you for having your world destroyed and people are awful.  Truly, utterly awful.

December

Rockefeller Center

I did my best to keep busy with work and Christmas preparations.  It was hard.  It was painstaking.  I hadn't cried so much since I lost my father.  I have never been more thankful for the friends that I have in my life.  They're always there for me, but the extent of how far they'd go for me was proved in helping me pick up, or at least sweep up, the pieces of my shattered heart.  My best friend of 20 years, Ann, was right there, talking me off the ledge every day.  As was Christine and Jay, Jenny, Jamie.  They'd take me out, even if it meant dragging me kicking and screaming because I didn't want to leave the house.  Jay, Christine and I ventured up to New York City for The Dirty Pearls' Holiday Show, (notice a pattern?) and got to get in some sight seeing beforehand.     

The Dirty Pearls, Irving Plaza

I managed to put on my big-girl panties and a smile and help out with our annual Christmas party, I even donned my Rudolph footie pajamas on Christmas Eve, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.  I baked a shit ton of cookies and pizzelles and dabbled in more fancy treats like figs and goat cheese wrapped in homemade puff pastry.  (Dee-lish, by the way.)  Even so, every time I thought I took a step forward, I ended up getting pushed back down on my ass and had to start all over again.  I missed him.  [I still miss him.]  I loved him.  [And I still love him.]  

Ma and I getting ready for Christmas
Eve festivities.

I endured the holidays, I'll say that much.  I did my best to keep the good stuff front and center - spending time with my Nico, watching him open his presents Christmas morning, and I had begun forcing myself to accept that whatever happens between Philip and I is not under my control.  I accepted that I don't know what the future will bring and I will have to be okay with that.  I can only continue to make myself a better person, to keep my mind and body healthy, to keep working hard and playing harder.
Lesson Learned - The pizzelle maker is still going to be screaming hot even if it's been unplugged for 10 minutes.
Lesson #2 Learned - If someone can't reciprocate the love you have for them, you are powerless over the situation.  But if you love him or her, fucking tell them. 

I'll say 2013 was a big year for me.  Everything does come full circle.  I don't have any words of wisdom, or even any expectations for 2014.  All I can do is keep being me.