The Anxiety, It'll Kill Ya

So this year did not start out as I had expected.  This year started on a down, and I'm the only one who can change that.  But I don't know how just yet.
I'm still reeling from losing the man I love.  When that happened to me back in November, I was crushed.  I am still crushed.  But now I'm wondering why I haven't picked up the pieces of my broken heart and started to move on with my life.  Usually at this point, a month or so later, I'd be making progress, gaining back my "Whatever, I'll just take on the world, again," attitude.  I'd be patching up my wounds with mascara and lipstick and lacing up my shit-kickers, each act a symbol of getting stronger.  I'd be even more inclined to keep pushing forward to prove to everyone that I am surviving and will come out of whatever it is trying to hold me down stronger, and more determined than ever to live an amazing life.
But I'm no where near that point.
The other day I realized that I'm not racing towards "the end."  If I had to describe it, it feels more like waiting.  That's the point I've gotten to.  Who in their right mind, at 30 years old, decides to sit around and wait to die?  Especially someone like me, a 30 year old woman that has an amazing group of supportive and loving people around her at all times, who has yet to notice the ravages of time on her body (save for the dark circles under my constantly puffy eyes as of late,) and in fact worked very hard to get to where she is now in life?  Who took an entire year to better her mind, her body and her career and had some damn good success?
Yeah this woman is the one doing it.  And it I need to stop.  I worry.  Constantly, about things not in my control.  I stress over the future instead of letting it become the present and dealing with it in stride.
[I understand everyone stresses over their future.  I think a little bit is normal.  But I take it to the extreme - my concerns and anxiety are downright paralyzing.]  
My mother made a valid point the other night - I am so stuck in my own head that I'm missing out on everything going on around me.  I've become an observer of life, and not a participant.  So guess what has been to added to my seemingly never-ending list of worries?  Just that.
How did this happen to me?

I had the opportunity to be in the crowd on this night. It was only the second time, in all the years I've followed these guys, that I've had the chance to witness this beautiful song played live.  And right now, at this point in my life, the lyrics have gained incredibly important meaning.