My mother has a daily devotional book, Jesus Calling, that sits on the kitchen table. I've taken to picking it up in the morning, especially when I'm feeling lousy, and whatever the devotion happens to be for that particular day never fails to be totally relevant to how I'm feeling. Never fails.
Monday I spent all day at work in front of the computer processing pill counts and suspensions for dispensing. It's good because it doesn't require heavy lifting, but it gets a little repetitive, so I had a lot of time to think. My mind would wander back to whether or not I had made the right career move. Doubt and worry about my future set in. So yesterday morning I picked up the devotional and the words leaped off the page and damn near smacked me in the face.
June 18
YOU ARE MY BELOVED CHILD. I chose you to be the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along the paths designed specifically for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.
Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.
Boom! There it was, exactly what I needed to hear, because my struggle right now is focusing too much time and energy on things I cannot control and therefore I have a very hard time relaxing and enjoying the present moment.
I'm not ashamed that I've chosen to rekindle my relationship with God. It has made a huge difference in my life. Where there was once nothing but darkness I now see light. I'm slowly starting to feel peace come back into my life. I'm learning that the struggles I experience in my head can and will be overcome. I'm learning to accept that life isn't and never will be perfect or what I expect it to be, and to be thankful for the blessings I do have.
To be continued...
My Journey Back To Faith
I took the day off last Wednesday because the pain in my chest was pretty unbearable and I needed a mental health break as well.
I started experiencing severe chest pains at work last Friday and ended up in my doctor's office. All of the tests they ran showed that it wasn't my heart, thank God. (They were able to see me immediately and wanted to prevent an emergency room trip if at all possible and I'm glad they did because that wouldn't have been necessary.) Turns out I have costochondritis, and all I can do is manage the pain until it goes away on its own, plus make sure I take it easy so as not to aggravate it or slow down the healing process. Very frustrating for someone whose job entails plenty of heavy lifting and someone who also goes to the gym frequently. But again, I'm so thankful that my heart is just fine.
So I took it easy last Wednesday and decided to read most of the day. I haven't had the luxury to sit down with a book, uninterrupted, for a long time. Before I picked one up, settling on How To Save Your Own Life by Erica Jong, one I've already read but in a previous life, I sat down and started making a list of things I need to remind myself of on a daily basis.
Like,
- I can't stress about tomorrow because it's out of my control.
- I can't stress over money because I have a full time job and my bills are getting paid.
- I can't worry about the things I have no control over.
- I must choose to enjoy the present. Not dwell in the past or mull over the future.
- I am thankful for all I do have and won't concern myself with what I don't have.
Sometimes I get so down on myself, so immersed in my own head, that I end up feeling like a lousy human being. I forget how far I've come this past year. I dwell on the negatives, like I've said before, instead of focusing on the positives. And sometimes I even take the positives and spin them into negatives. It's a vicious cycle that I am trying desperately to put an end to.
To be continued...
I started experiencing severe chest pains at work last Friday and ended up in my doctor's office. All of the tests they ran showed that it wasn't my heart, thank God. (They were able to see me immediately and wanted to prevent an emergency room trip if at all possible and I'm glad they did because that wouldn't have been necessary.) Turns out I have costochondritis, and all I can do is manage the pain until it goes away on its own, plus make sure I take it easy so as not to aggravate it or slow down the healing process. Very frustrating for someone whose job entails plenty of heavy lifting and someone who also goes to the gym frequently. But again, I'm so thankful that my heart is just fine.
So I took it easy last Wednesday and decided to read most of the day. I haven't had the luxury to sit down with a book, uninterrupted, for a long time. Before I picked one up, settling on How To Save Your Own Life by Erica Jong, one I've already read but in a previous life, I sat down and started making a list of things I need to remind myself of on a daily basis.
Like,
- I can't stress about tomorrow because it's out of my control.
- I can't stress over money because I have a full time job and my bills are getting paid.
- I can't worry about the things I have no control over.
- I must choose to enjoy the present. Not dwell in the past or mull over the future.
- I am thankful for all I do have and won't concern myself with what I don't have.
Sometimes I get so down on myself, so immersed in my own head, that I end up feeling like a lousy human being. I forget how far I've come this past year. I dwell on the negatives, like I've said before, instead of focusing on the positives. And sometimes I even take the positives and spin them into negatives. It's a vicious cycle that I am trying desperately to put an end to.
To be continued...
The Pain Of Not Knowing Answers
Okay, so I tend to blow things out of proportion. We all do, don't we? I don't know why I'm struggling with insecurity issues when it comes to my relationship, or why I can't just let it be and accept the fact that someone outside of my family actually cares about me.
About 2 or 3 weeks ago my PMS had seemingly gotten out of control. As much as I hate to return to the cliche, I can't help but point out that when I'm down on myself, when I'm bitchy and snap and everyone, when I want to crawl into a hole and die just so happens to be when my uterus is doing it's monthly thing.
Wednesday of that particular week I had the day off and the weather was gorgeous. I spent all day outside, working on the pool & the yard, then laying by said pool even though it isn't swimmable yet. Then my brain decided to get the best of me. I started dwelling on why my boyfriend had abruptly cut off the texting the night before. I started dwelling on the fact that I am almost 30 and I still live at home. I started seriously wondering if I had made the right decision to leave my old job and start a new one in a completely different field. Dwelling on financial struggle. I was missing my dad, and my brother, who has been working down in Rehoboth for the past month or so and I don't get to see as much as I used to, (even though I know it's temporary.) Waves of emotion just kept crashing down on me and I couldn't control them.
When this happens I ask myself, "Why?" I have come so far in making positive changes to my life, so why do I still get incredibly down in the dumps? For a split second I considered asking my doctor about going back on antidepressants. But I don't want to travel down that road again. I'd rather exercise a positive mind set without the aid of prescription medicine. I'd rather stand up and say that I refuse to let depression get the best of me.
Why do I have so much trouble reminding myself to sit back and take serious inventory of all the good in my life and dwell on that instead of the negatives? I'm in constant search of the answer.
About 2 or 3 weeks ago my PMS had seemingly gotten out of control. As much as I hate to return to the cliche, I can't help but point out that when I'm down on myself, when I'm bitchy and snap and everyone, when I want to crawl into a hole and die just so happens to be when my uterus is doing it's monthly thing.
Wednesday of that particular week I had the day off and the weather was gorgeous. I spent all day outside, working on the pool & the yard, then laying by said pool even though it isn't swimmable yet. Then my brain decided to get the best of me. I started dwelling on why my boyfriend had abruptly cut off the texting the night before. I started dwelling on the fact that I am almost 30 and I still live at home. I started seriously wondering if I had made the right decision to leave my old job and start a new one in a completely different field. Dwelling on financial struggle. I was missing my dad, and my brother, who has been working down in Rehoboth for the past month or so and I don't get to see as much as I used to, (even though I know it's temporary.) Waves of emotion just kept crashing down on me and I couldn't control them.
When this happens I ask myself, "Why?" I have come so far in making positive changes to my life, so why do I still get incredibly down in the dumps? For a split second I considered asking my doctor about going back on antidepressants. But I don't want to travel down that road again. I'd rather exercise a positive mind set without the aid of prescription medicine. I'd rather stand up and say that I refuse to let depression get the best of me.
Why do I have so much trouble reminding myself to sit back and take serious inventory of all the good in my life and dwell on that instead of the negatives? I'm in constant search of the answer.
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