Bit Players

Uncontrollable falsities
smoke and mirrors
They are all so busy
putting on their magic shows
lying to everyone
but above all lying to
themselves
Eventually there will be
nothing left to believe in
And they will wonder
where it all went wrong
They build falsities around
everything they love
And mutilate their truths
with lies that drip saccharine
But when the shutter clicks
those truths are caught
frozen in time
Because their eyes can't lie
The shutter clicks and
reveals that everything
is one big magic show
Their lives are outlined with
pictures of how the way
things are supposed to look
Sadly most of us are too dumb
to see through the fake-ness
Or just don't have the
energy to even care
Those of us that get
sucked into their giant
black tar pits of truths
are merely shadows in the
background of their nauseating
personas created for
all the world to see

Confessions

I smoke too much.
I drink too much.
I have an addictive personality.
I suffer from depression and anxiety.
I sleep too much.
I chew on the inside of my mouth constantly.
I'm very loud.
I miss my MomMom so bad it hurts.
I'd pick sex over food.
I'm struggling with my relationship with God.
I still live at home.
I have not had a healthy relationship since my Ex.
I am a beautiful disaster.
I'm selfish.
I'm broke.
My car looks like it was dipped in "dent-paint."
Sometimes I feel like I can never do anything good enough.
I want to move to Southern California.
I replace love with sex.
I'm an attention whore.
I love to read.
Music is one of my passions.
My relationship with my father is still unstable.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I am overly sensitive.
I have an alter-ego.

I am flawed, but I am ME. I am YOU. I am EVERYTHING.

The Demon Lover by Erica Jong

Dedicated to Buzzard

Unable to bear the falsehoods -
the girls calling up
each time you came
to my bed -
I fled
And now I dream of you

Knowing you are
dreaming of me,
knowing we will always be
each other's muse, forbidden lover,
witch and warlock
joined by a filament of flesh,
lover through the looking glass.

I dream of you
as the witch
beside her husband's hearth
dreams of the grandmaster
of the coven,
dreams of burning stones
that sting the flesh,
while her good husband
strokes her rump,
muttering words
of tame domestic love.

You are my demon,
the devil in my flesh,
the wild child,
the boy with eyes of flame,
the bad seed I took
into my body,
that infected needle
I craved
more deeply
than health.

On every seashore
I see you waving your arms
out of the whitecaps
as you drown
only to be reborn
in the foam
between my legs.

In every bed
you appear, sexual dybbuk,
mocking my lovers
with your twinkling blue [brown] eyes,
and the crooked cane of your cock
smelling of the pit.

You are trouble, double trouble,
triple trouble,
the wrecker of peace,
but you make
my cauldron boil.

I dream of you always
as I lie
in the sheltering arms
of another.
I dream of you
as the condemned witch
dreams of her end
at the stake,

when, lashed to the burning pole,
she will offer up her flesh
to become smoke,
her hair to become ash,
her soul to be carried away
on the wings of the air,
marrying, marrying, marrying
the final fire.

April 27, 2003

What is the center of my being?
What does every aspect of my life gravitate towards?
Sometimes I feel like you put in my hand a loaded gun
and then told me not to fire it.
Life would be easier if I tried not to focus on the "why."
I want to bend and break and bare it all.
I want to find my King and then break him
So that I know he is mine.
But I want a love that is unbreakable.

To rise above my imperfections is to abandon
My visions of perfection, not to block them out
Or put on a front that leads everyone to believe
That I am okay.
I am loud I am rowdy I am restless
I am always waiting for something bigger to come along
And blow me away rather than being the captivator myself.
I have fears and paranoia that drive me crazy.
I fear that I will never find my King
Because my heart has already been mutilated
And every man I have ever loved has left me.
I feel like damaged goods.
"These and other lucky witnesses..."
DRIVE FASTER...

At the same time I feel invincible, empowered and cocky.
I AM A WOMAN and I am UNBREAKABLE but what happens
When I fall?
It's been fuck and run since I was 17
So whens it ever going to change?
I've had my grip on so many things but I always manage
To lose it because even I fail to see what's good
Or what benefits me.

I AM NOT READY TO LOVE.
So why do I feel empty?
I walk tall and proud but I'm on my knees when no one's around.
This is all part of me -
The ever-changing hair, twice pierced belly button
and light brown eyes...
Every part of me is what it is
For a reason and sometimes there just isn't one.

Me and my alcoholic father...
Musicians, fights and family...
"Send the pain below..."
I hook up then get up and go
"It's much like suffocating..."
"I'm a lady, down on love..."
Please overlook my hurt,
I'm tired of it always being about ME.
"It's much like suffocating."
Words, Pain, Sex, Love, Smoke, Haze, Dream.
I have to stop before I burn OUT.

My Beloved Pirate

Dancing with a pirate
Under a silver moon
And still, no one has told me
Why he had to leave so soon
I thought he was mine to keep
To dance with forever
My love ran that deep
Dancing with a pirate
Under a silver moon
A love that never got past
The first dance
This pirate broke my heart
When he left me
To dance all alone
My soul torn to pieces
All I've got left is the memory
Of my pirate's deep brown eyes
He was supposed to watch over me
I wouldn't have had to worry about
Being cut down to size by him
My beloved pirate
They only one I ever danced with
Under a silver moon
The way he looked at me that night
I felt a flame of doom
Ignite in my belly
My pirate has been gone
For some time now
Lately I can't seem
To get him off of my mind
There have been other pirates
That have come and gone
I could never dance
With one for too long
There is only one
Who holds the map
Where X marks that spot
The place in my heart
Where I needed him most
Even though he said
I could not keep his
Ship from sinking
I was not capable of keeping
The water from rising
Above his head

The music still plays on
I've been sitting out the dance
For way too long
Why did my beloved pirate leave me?
Was he just a figment of my imagination
Or was it really just never meant to be?
My heart aches
It's been so long
My soul misses his embrace
To dance with my pirate
Under a silver moon
Only he can lift this blackest gloom
Blacker than the hair on his head
Darker than those soulful eyes
That has descended on my heart
And made me realize
I should have unfolded myself
From the start
Only if he hadn't left
Me to dance alone
Throughtout this life
He could have protected me
And spared me all this strife
Warned me of those
That would come and go

Dancing with a pirate
Under a silver moon
Mine goes by three names
He's still sailing out there
And I pray he's stayed the same

Flashback - August 4, 2001

I get tired; I am heartbroken; it's become a routine because I care way too much about you; you walk away; you shut down because you're scared; scared because you know I can give you everything you want and need; now it's my turn to walk away holding up my middle fingers towards you; I'm leaving baby; I'm going away; I hope ten years down the road you'll think of me; maybe even see me around; but this time I won't let you back in; to turn my world upside down; I'm walking away from you; my middle fingers up in the air aimed at you; every bitch you come across or on after me; will not even come close; and you'll know it; you already do; you'll realize eventually that you broke a heart that cared more for you; than anyone ever will; there won't be any second chances baby; you're a scared little boy; I'm outta here baby; I've left your house for the last time; giving you both of my middle fingers



At seventeen, he was...my everything.