Recently the dynamic of one of the
relationships I'm in has changed drastically. I link the word "relationship" to Webster's definition to clarify that I'm not talking about a specific kind. I am
"in" a relationship with someone, but I'm also in relationships with everyone that is close to me. We all are.
Relationships are funny. Sometimes they're a walk in the park on a warm spring day, other times they're like trying to shovel 3 feet of snow out of one's driveway. That goes for all types - familial, friendships, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, lovers. Why this is so difficult for me is the fact that the relationship I'm referring to does not fit into any of those categories. For simplicity's sake, I'll say it's a (very) sexual, close friendship. Oxymoron, right?
For the most part this guy and I are cruising along doing our thing. But I'm starting to get a little restless and I don't know how to address it, towards myself mostly. This relationship is not following the natural order of things and it's kind of throwing me for a loop. And I don't need to hear shit about how "it doesn't
need follow any kind of order, it
shouldn't follow any kind of order, rise, rebel and resist!" I don't need my love life to be some complicated, over-worked, over-analyzed drama that I have to strive to keep unconventional. Right now I'm beginning to want something secure, steady and stable. Don't judge me.
There's nothing really wrong with our relationship, except for the fact that I don't know where it's heading, I don't even know where it will be tomorrow morning. I know I should be discussing this with him and trust me, we discuss it plenty.
The most recent discussion happened when I informed him that if he chooses to sleep with other people, I don't need to find the aftermath, i.e. used condom & empty wrapper from (I'm guessing) two nights prior, sitting on top of the bathroom trashcan when I go to throw away my tissues after blowing my nose first thing in the morning.
I had always kept the fact that I'm sure he's sleeping with other women, even post-my top drawer of his dresser takeover, in the back of my head, but I was fine with it being
there, not hearing about it, not seeing it, basically maintaining the ignorance is bliss mentality. I was good with that. But here's where it gets weird - I would never throw something like in his face, whether unintentionally or not. I don't leave empty condom wrappers laying around for him to stumble upon. I don't divulge sexual escapades. I rarely even talk about my past, because we all know that your lover doesn't want to hear about some other guy that's been in your bed, even if you're trashing them.
Having the realization that he is sleeping with someone, or maybe even someones, violently pushed to the front of my mind was not a pleasant experience. It was downright brutal, and my emotional response surprised me. It hurt me more than I thought it would. I cried. A lot. I got angry. Very angry. It brought back ugly, self-deprecating feelings of just being a girl that someone knows they can call if they want to get laid.
I feel very foolish and stupid. I feel like I've been led on. To be honest, I feel downright betrayed, regardless of the fact that we have not claimed exclusivity, due to how much time we spend together and how we spend it. Now I feel as though people look at me when I'm with him and think to themselves, "Oh, that poor girl. She has no idea. Look how clueless she is." Because for some reason I assume that everyone knows our business. For all I know, I could have, at one time or another, been in the presence of this other girl while she snickered about their little secret on the inside. (I know it happens; I've been that other girl.) His behavior towards me when we're around other people dictates that we're together and I just go along with it because I really don't have a reason not to. I'm often referred to as his girlfriend and he doesn't bother to correct it. We're asked how long we've been together and he says "Since early summer or so." So of course I'm going to be a little upset when he basically announces to me, unabashedly, Hey guess what, you're not the only girl I'm fucking. I know he cares for me. I know he values what we have together. He tells me all the time. But sorry baby, actions speak louder than words.
Now, I've been no angel. For most of our "relationship," he has not been the only guy I've been sleeping with. As I've addressed in
previous posts, I've pretty much pushed other guys to the wayside, unintentionally or not, which leads me to think that he's worthy of my fidelity. But if he's not going to give me that much, I have no reason to feel obligated to either.
He and I have discussed this ad nauseum. At this point I am, for the most part, over it. But it's still in the back of my head. When I go over to his place I can't help but think, Hmmm, who was here last night? The other night he had plans with a (girl)friend he hadn't seen in a very long time. Was I losing my mind? Yup. So when I saw him the next night, he was telling me about his evening and I asked him point blank if he fucked her. He looked as if I had slapped him.
Well, what do you expect? I had a whole speech prepared if he were to say yes. His answer was no. Do I believe him? Mostly yes, a tiny part of me - no. But it's out of my control now.
The whole thing raises a lot of questions, not to mention there's a lot to the story I'm not sharing because it's too much for one post. What would you do, based on what I have disclosed, in this situation?
Whenever I dare to let myself think that I might not ever actually get the chance to have my own children, I quickly divert my thoughts to Nico, my crazy, energy-charged, blue-eyed "baby." (I know, I know, he's not a baby anymore - he reminds me all the time.) My love for this little boy transcends everything I thought I knew. The other day I remarked to my mother, "I never knew I could love something as much I love that little stinker. It blows my mind sometimes."
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