Something has been bothering me lately that will probably follow me for the rest of my life. It's the fact that no matter how much weight I lose or how in shape I am, I will always maintain my Fat Girl Mentality. Back in 2008, I was a Fat Girl. I weighed in at over 200 pounds and that was a lot for my frame to being carrying around, so the 60 or so pound loss I experienced over the next couple of years, coupled with incorporating a gym routine over the last year has changed my appearance and mind set drastically.
My own personal Fat Girl Mentality really came to light when my boyfriend and I went to Six Flags last week. As we were getting on the Ferris Wheel, I became slightly panicky thinking, "Oh no, the side I'm sitting on is going to droop more than his because I'm a Fat Girl and he is a Skinny Guy. This is so embarrassing." Then it hit me - my boyfriend weighs more than I do. By at least 20 pounds. My paranoia was completely unfounded.
I walked around the amusement park all day, sucking in my gut and pulling my shorts down over my thighs because I was maintaining my Fat Girl Mentality, regardless of the fact that I was disgusted by a lot of other people walking around - men with giant bellies protruding over waistbands, people literally squeezing in and out of the seats on the rollercoasters, little girls in skin tight tank tops clinging to their chubby rolls. (I no longer have rolls when I'm standing up, but I definitely do when I'm sitting down - but we all do, it's pretty much a fact of life no matter what shape or size one is. Plus I was taught to dress to flatter my shape and hide the unsavory parts - something a lot of people must have forgotten how to do.)
I felt pangs of guilt as I munched on a chicken panini sandwich while my boyfriend, who wasn't feeling well, tried to choke down a soft pretzel. I felt pangs of guilt as the sweat trickled down my neck and back while waiting in line for the Batman ride, because we all know that fat people sweat just because they're fat. I felt pangs of guilt as I chugged a bottle of Coke to get some sugar in my system when I started to feel lightheaded because of the heat.
It leads me to wonder if these feelings will ever go away. Will I ever be able to be 100% confident about who I am and how everyone else perceives me? Part of me wonders why I even care - most people seem not to. I walk around wondering if others are dying on the inside the way I do sometimes.
When you've been a Fat Girl or a Fat Guy at some point in your life, it's hard to be happy about the healthy changes you've made, no matter how many people tell you how great you look or ask you what your secret is. Now I'm starting to understand why people succumb to eating disorders. The media bombards us with the notion that we will never look good enough, we will never be pretty or attractive or thin enough, and it's easy to forget that Photoshop is king in the advertising world. (I have plenty to say about that, but another time.)
Sure, I go around saying that I don't deny myself simple pleasures on occasion like a bar of Hershey's chocolate or a fresh, crusty roll from Serpe's Bakery here in Wilmington, because if I did I would go insane. I go around saying, "Don't take my carbs away! I can't live without them!" Even my boyfriend tells me (jokingly, I hope) that if I lose too much weight he would break up with me. He was attracted to me from day one, as were plenty of other men - when I was twenty or thirty pounds heavier. And he supports my quest to be healthier, my quest to be able to run up the stairs to his apartment without becoming winded, my quest to be able to chase my nephew around and not want to collapse from exhaustion.
But the Fat Girl Mentality is still ruling me and I wonder if it will ever go away. I don't want it to be the reason I strive to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle so that I'll be around for a while, so that I won't succumb to weight-related diseases when I'm older, so that I can climb on top of my boyfriend and rock his world without thinking twice. I want to do it for me and no one else.
Showing posts with label fitness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fitness. Show all posts
I Have No Doubt That This Is Gonna Hurt - MDTBL #3
Once we had gone over the basics, we went into the gym and this guy had me doing all kinds of funky exercises that definitely had me feeling like I was going to die. Leg lifts? Okay, not a problem. Squats with the yoga ball? I can handle this. Jumping jacks? No big deal...yes, yes this is starting to be a big deal....the mountain climber? (You know, when you hit the ground and alternate bringing each knee up to your chest.) Umm....you want me to do 30 seconds of these moves, continuously? Fuuuu....
By the time he was done with me I was covered in sweat and completely out of breath. But this is a good thing. I need someone teaching me these types of exercises and encouraging me to keep going when I want to quit. People like me are the reason fitness and weight loss are billion dollar industries.
Let me stress, again, that I have no desire to be "skinny," to look anorexic, or to be a size zero. Nor do I have any desire to have 6-pack abs or "ripped" muscles on any part of my body. I mean, when the trainer asked me if I had any questions, the first thing out of my mouth was, "I'm not going to lose any of my curves, am I?" I love my ass and hips - they're what I have going for me. He laughed and told me no, the goal is to get me a bit leaner, more toned, and healthier. Sounds good to me.
I just have to keep reminding myself that yes, this is going to hurt. It's not going to be easy. But it's going to be worth it when I can run up the 3 flights of stairs to my boy's apartment and not want to pass out once I get to his door. It's going to be worth it when instead of being mildly aware of what my body looks like from certain angles during sex, I won't be concerned at all. It's going to be worth it when I have more energy and even more confidence than I already do (which will be hard to top anyway.)
Yes, Dana, this is going to hurt. But it's going to be totally worth it.
My Dirty Thirty Bucket List
This past summer I turned 29, one more year until the Dirty Thirty. Well, this year has dwindled down to about nine months, and I had made a promise to myself that by the time I hit 30, I'd be ready mentally and physically to take over the world. This series of posts - My Dirty Thirty Bucket List (MDTBL) will focus on what I am doing in order to make this happen.
Last week I made the first step to getting myself in shape - I joined a gym.
As for a little background, I've dabbled with going to the gym over the years, never to much avail. I was never that into working out. Well, over the past four years I've lost about 50 pounds. The weight started coming off when I began working in the pharmacy department at the hospital, where most days I was lapping the entire building(s) several times during a shift. I would take the stairs instead of elevators, and joined the gym because it was convenient. Then my relationship started going down the tubes and instead of turning to food for comfort, I damn near lost my appetite completely. I was still eating, just not as much and my body became accustomed to that.
When I left my job at the hospital, the weight still kept coming off, but I was no longer going to the gym, mostly because of my financial situation and the fact that there weren't any facilities in close proximity to my house. I drive long distances for my current job and the last thing I want to do after work is sit in rush hour traffic in downtown Wilmington. Or pay an astronomical fee to go the one in Hockessin.
I've somehow managed to maintain my weight loss and have felt better than I have in years. So I've made it my goal to improve myself even more. While dropping another 20 pounds would be great, I've joined the gym in order to get healthier. Our bodies need exercise, plain and simple. My main goal is to tighten up this body of mine that hasn't started sagging quite yet while I can still do it rather easily.
I'm not turning into a health buff and making drastic changes to my habits. You will never catch me deciding to be a vegan, or go vegetarian for that matter. And you'll never see me pass up a slice of heaven that is Grotto's Pizza or a six pack of Bud Light. But I figure it can't hurt to start a regular exercise and strength training routine. Stay tuned for updates!
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