Wait, Am I Seeing the Sun Come Through?

I have officially been rejected from every job I applied for during the month of January.  But I accepted that and pushed on.  Last Thursday I sat down at the computer and started all over again.  Within minutes of submitting an application and my resume to a pharmaceutical company in Swedesboro, NJ, I received an email from their hiring specialist requesting a phone interview.  Yes!  Please call me!  The woman was very nice and it went really well.  It didn't feel like an interview - it was as if we were just chatting about my past and current work experience, my qualifications and what the job entails, as opposed to being grilled by a potential employer.
I went in for a face to face interview on Tuesday and it went better than I could have ever expected.  I was confident without being cocky, inquisitive without being overly talkative and, most importantly, I felt relaxed in this company's environment.  I took a computer skills assessment and then spoke with the man who would be my boss if I am to be hired, and I liked him.  He came off as by-the-rules, strict-yet-fair supervisor.  We chatted, laughed, discussed the position at length and...I really want this job.
I've worked both in retail and in-patient hospital pharmacies and I loved both of those jobs.  It's something I feel comfortable doing and gives me a sense of being productive and a sense of fulfillment at the end of the day.  This job is a full time position that comes with benefits, a 401k, and paid time off.  Paid time off?!  What IS that?!  What sealed the deal for me and pushed my desire for this job through the roof is that there is opportunity for me to move my way up the rungs of this company's ladder.  That's one of my requirements for whatever job comes my way.  I want to be able to make something of myself and know that I'm not "stuck" in the position I get hired for.  What stands out in my mind is when the head pharmacist of the dispensing lab said, "If you want it and it shows, people here notice."
So my fingers are crossed.  I am incredibly happy with how the interview went and have put it in God's hands.  There's a reason I wasn't called for interviews with other jobs I applied for.  There's a reason I didn't get hired from my last interview.  I'm hoping this is the job that was waiting for me.

On a side note, that evening I went to bingo night at the VFW and won $80.  I have never won at games involving luck and/or chance.  (Hence why I don't gamble.)  I can't deny that I took that as a sign.

The Beat Keeps Going On...Right?

Yesterday I completed job application number four, and last night I received my first rejection notice from a job I had applied to a few weeks ago.  Okay, no big deal.  It was in Newtown Square anyway.  I couldn't help but still be a little bummed out.
I desperately need a new job.  I'm sitting here smoking Pall Malls because someone gave them to me.  I'm stressing over how I'm going to afford my car insurance this month.  Don't even get me started on the fretting I do over long term things like, "How the hell could I ever afford a house?  A child?  Are you kidding me?  How the hell do people do it?"
It's easy to get disheartened when you feel as if you don't meet a job's qualifications.  There's all kinds of things I think I would be good at, that I would enjoy doing, but upon reading the job posting's requirements/qualifications, I realize that no, it might not be for me.
So I apply anyway.  It can't hurt.  I am constantly tweaking my resume and making every and any type of networking connections I possibly can, and praying.
I wish the winds of change wouldn't just blow, I wish they would hit me with hurricane-force gusts, because living like this is killing me.
I know I'm not the only person my age going through something like this, the problem is, I don't personally know anyone who is.  Or if they are, they choose not to talk about it.  All of my friends seem to be doing pretty damn good.  Don't get me wrong - I am incredibly happy to see them doing well and living fulfilled lives.  I wouldn't want anything less for them.  And I'm not sitting around waiting for some kind of break or handout.  I'm prepared to work my ass off for it - I mean, I do that at my current job, no matter how miserable I am with it right now.
So I just need to keep plugging away, all the while keeping my eyes and ears open.

I Have No Doubt That This Is Gonna Hurt - MDTBL #3

So I've been going to the gym for about two weeks now.  No big deal, right?  Hey, for someone who has an easy time maintaining bad habits and hard time even starting good ones, it is a big deal.  Last Monday I met with a trainer and he gave me a rundown of what to expect if I decided I wanted to start a regimen, including a workout session.  The first day I had gone back to the gym and done some cardio I thought, Hmm, I guess I'm not as out of shape as I think I am.  I was wrong.  Dead wrong.  Just because I can sweat it out on the elliptical for a good 45 minutes and not feel like I'm dying doesn't mean I'm in any kind of shape.  The trainer took my weight and BMI - I weigh 167 pounds (I was only slightly surprised the number was that high, but I guess all the drinking I did over the summer caught up with me,) and my BMI is at 39%.  That means this body of mine is 39% fat.  Ew.  (Thank God I'm pretty.)  Apparently I'm in the danger zone - for my height and age, the ideal BMI range is 18-23%.  Okay, take the information, process it, file it away and keep moving forward.
Once we had gone over the basics, we went into the gym and this guy had me doing all kinds of funky exercises that definitely had me feeling like I was going to die.  Leg lifts?  Okay, not a problem.  Squats with the yoga ball?  I can handle this.  Jumping jacks?  No big deal...yes, yes this is starting to be a big deal....the mountain climber?  (You know, when you hit the ground and alternate bringing each knee up to your chest.)  Umm....you want me to do 30 seconds of these moves, continuously?  Fuuuu....
By the time he was done with me I was covered in sweat and completely out of breath.  But this is a good thing. I need someone teaching me these types of exercises and encouraging me to keep going when I want to quit.  People like me are the reason fitness and weight loss are billion dollar industries.
Let me stress, again, that I have no desire to be "skinny," to look anorexic, or to be a size zero.  Nor do I have any desire to have 6-pack abs or "ripped" muscles on any part of my body.  I mean, when the trainer asked me if I had any questions, the first thing out of my mouth was, "I'm not going to lose any of my curves, am I?"  I love my ass and hips - they're what I have going for me.  He laughed and told me no, the goal is to get me a bit leaner, more toned, and healthier.  Sounds good to me.
I just have to keep reminding myself that yes, this is going to hurt.  It's not going to be easy.  But it's going to be worth it when I can run up the 3 flights of stairs to my boy's apartment and not want to pass out once I get to his door.  It's going to be worth it when instead of being mildly aware of what my body looks like from certain angles during sex, I won't be concerned at all.  It's going to be worth it when I have more energy and even more confidence than I already do (which will be hard to top anyway.)
Yes, Dana, this is going to hurt.  But it's going to be totally worth it.

My Dirty Thirty Bucket List

This past summer I turned 29, one more year until the Dirty Thirty.  Well, this year has dwindled down to about nine months, and I had made a promise to myself that by the time I hit 30, I'd be ready mentally and physically to take over the world.  This series of posts - My Dirty Thirty Bucket List (MDTBL) will focus on what I am doing in order to make this happen.

Last week I made the first step to getting myself in shape - I joined a gym.

As for a little background, I've dabbled with going to the gym over the years, never to much avail.  I was never that into working out.  Well, over the past four years I've lost about 50 pounds.  The weight started coming off when I began working in the pharmacy department at the hospital, where most days I was lapping the entire building(s) several times during a shift.  I would take the stairs instead of elevators, and joined the gym because it was convenient.  Then my relationship started going down the tubes and instead of turning to food for comfort, I damn near lost my appetite completely.  I was still eating, just not as much and my body became accustomed to that.

When I left my job at the hospital, the weight still kept coming off, but I was no longer going to the gym, mostly because of my financial situation and the fact that there weren't any facilities in close proximity to my house.  I drive long distances for my current job and the last thing I want to do after work is sit in rush hour traffic in downtown Wilmington.  Or pay an astronomical fee to go the one in Hockessin.

I've somehow managed to maintain my weight loss and have felt better than I have in years.  So I've made it my goal to improve myself even more.  While dropping another 20 pounds would be great, I've joined the gym in order to get healthier.  Our bodies need exercise, plain and simple.  My main goal is to tighten up this body of mine that hasn't started sagging quite yet while I can still do it rather easily.

I'm not turning into a health buff and making drastic changes to my habits.  You will never catch me deciding to be a vegan, or go vegetarian for that matter.  And you'll never see me pass up a slice of heaven that is Grotto's Pizza or a six pack of Bud Light.  But I figure it can't hurt to start a regular exercise and strength training routine.  Stay tuned for updates! 

Turns Out This Month I'll Be Okay

I got two separate paychecks last week and was able to pay my bills, right before my cell phone was about to get shut off.  Yeah, yeah, I need to budget my money better.  I thought I had been, but as one of my dear friends said to me, "Holes can appear when you least expect it, and you'll get yourself out, I know you will."  And I did without having to ask anyone for help, thank God.  It was amazing how quickly my depression and anxiety lifted the second I signed on to my bank account and saw the deposits that had been made, one of which was much larger than I had anticipated.
So my plan is to do what every financial adviser tells us - make sure I have at least three months worth of bill payments stashed away, and if I'm really committed, four months with enough in my savings left over to have a comfortable little nest egg.  It sounds simple, but if it was, I wouldn't have been in the position I was two weeks ago.  So let's just take that as another wake-up call.  Then next summer, I can lay around the pool, not work, not worry about collecting unemployment, not worry about my bills being paid, and use the paychecks I do get for the sporadic work I do in the summer to go party down in Dewey Beach.
Sounds like a plan to me.

Goals for My Writing

Now that I've decided to take this writing thing seriously, I've become very excited about it.  I find myself constantly thinking about what I want to write about, sorting and sifting thoughts in my brain and writing down thoughts, sentences, or even just a word I think might be of significance at some point.  My Nook, a pen and a small notepad are always within reach.
I've always been a constant reader, now my passion for reading is in overdrive and I'm scrambling for books to keep up with it.  I just downloaded Write Good or Die by Scott Nicholson and can't stop reading it.  It's a collection of advice by various writers that has already given me good ideas and confirmed pointers I already know.  I've also started exploring the word of literary magazines, an untapped resource I knew about but didn't realize could provide me with tips, advice and reading material all at once.  A few that jumped out at me are Every Writer's Resource.com, Tin House, Surreal Grotesque Magazine, and The Write Room.  Now I just wish I had an iPad to carry with me so I can read some of the amazing short stories and poetry published on these sites when I have down time.

As far as the goals I'm setting for myself,

• Write everyday, no matter how bad it turns out, no matter how little I get accomplished.  Just get words onto paper.  Or my computer screen.
• Continue to devour every book I get my hands on.
• Accept the fact that I am not Erica Jong.  Or Henry Miller.  Or Anais Nin.  Or Stephen King.  
• Work on finding my own voice, my own style, and figuring out what excites me so much that I want to write about it and share it with the world.

That pregnancy dream I had is really coming into focus for me now.     

Insanity and the Task of Keeping Myself Occupied - On A Positive Note - From February 2012

When my mind and body are idle is when I tend to start spiraling downward.  That's when the scary thoughts start creeping into my head, that's when I decide to hole up in my room and not want to see or talk to anyone, even though I'm craving human contact.  But my state of mind won't allow it.

So what do those of us afflicted by depression do try to alleviate the feelings of desolation, isolation, worthlessness, listlessness, or wishing that we could just disappear?  I've taken inventory over the past of things I personally can do to help get myself through the bad times, some suggested by others, some I've come up with on my own, and I've separated them into two categories, the positive and negative.  Unfortunately I spend too much time going through the negative list, but let's start with the positive.  

         Constructive                                               

• Exercise or manual labor
  -one of my dearest friends told me the other night that when he was going through a stressful time in his life, he'd put on his running shoes and just take off, running until he couldn't possibly go any further, to the point of exhaustion.  So the other day the weather was nice, and instead of spending the afternoon in bed, I got in the car, headed over to a local recreation park, and started power-walking (I don't run) with 311 blasting in my ears.  I walked over five miles, and when I was done, I was tired, my muscles were sore, and I was proud of myself.
• Creative projects
  -After the first of the year I decided to organize all of my photography work, everything I've shot since 2001.  It took me about a week.  I took every disc with photos on it, loaded them on my computer, compressed every file and condensed what was once a giant pile of over 30 discs into maybe 10.  Everything is accounted for and organized nice and neat.
  -I started this blog.  I need to do something constructive with my time, and whether people read it or not, I don't care.  It's for me, but I do hope it can reach out to others going through the same thing.
  -One day not too long ago I took the initiative to rearrange all of the furniture in my bedroom, all by myself.  I cleaned my room from top to bottom, washed and re-hung my curtains, and rearranged the prints I have hanging on the walls.  I had also purchased a new television, set it up all by myself, built another bookshelf, and reorganized my books and photo albums, over the span of about two days.  Little things like that give me a sense of accomplishment.
• Long and short term goals
  -Back in the summer I opened up a savings account with two goals.  The first was obviously to start saving money, because I hadn't been for a very long time.  The second was to save for a trip to Las Vegas coming up in March to be a part of every die hard 311's dream - 3-11 Day 2012.  As of right now, I have a sizable chunk of money in that account, the tickets for my 311 weekend are sitting in my desk, and my flight and hotel are booked for Vegas.
  -I started taking better care of my car once I paid it off.  I keep it clean, and have been steadily getting it fixed back up, because, I think we can all agree, having a nice ride makes us all feel a little better.
  -As far as short term goals, mine are just to get through the Goddamn day sometimes, hopefully without crying.

Unfortunately sometimes these constructive ideas/projects/goals truly are just short lived.  Even though I have this amazing trip to Vegas planned, my depression clouds my thinking and I almost forget that I am going to see my most favorite band in the whole world for an entire weekend in the biggest party city in the world.  That's one of the bitches about depression.  It will drag you the fuck down no matter how hard you try not to let it.