I'm still coming down from my trip to New Orleans and let me tell you, the drop has been pretty brutal. [I'm working on a recap post so stay tuned for that.] In the months leading up to my trip, it was the One Big Thing I was looking forward to, and now that it's over, I need something else to Look Forward To, but I don't want to live my life that way. I want to look forward to every new day. I want to completely immerse myself in the present moment and squeeze every bit of joy possible out of it. I see so many others capable of this, so why is it so hard for me?
We don't want to walk into the gray, solo rolling with no map in hand
so we reach out for someone to grasp, keep from sinking into the sand
Pick it up now brother help another pick it up
don't get stuck in the destruction looming near
pick it up now brother help another pick it up
This is the revelation of the year
Picking up all the pieces here and there to see if one might fit
Spinning them around and sideways and up and down it kinda stings a bit
Digging through all the ditches
Just unwinding all the stitches into thread then hang it out to dry so
what was I expecting just collecting balls of lint up in my head?
I know I know don't yell at me
- Revelation of the Year, 311
Right now, all that runs through my head has so much more to do with things other than Philip. The constant struggle I feel is an existential reverberation of life. I know it doesn't have to be that way so I need to make some choices to remedy this problem, because I'm missing out on so much. You know how some people are functioning alcoholics? Well, I'm a functioning depressive. I get out of bed and go to work every day, I do laugh, I do smile, I do enjoy the blessings I'm lucky enough to have bestowed upon me. But those demons are always in the back of my head waiting for a moment of weakness so they can attack. Those moments come in the hour before daybreak when my brain hasn't fully woken up yet. Sometimes they hit in the midst of reverie, but it's usually before the sun has come up that the waves of desolation sweep over me.
There are things I do have on my side - I have God, my family, my friends, and believe it or not, the music of 311. Their new album has hit home. The chatter going around social media is how personal the new songs are, and I'm right there in agreement.
Every time I think I've got it figured
something bigger always jumps in the frame
something gets in the way
Now I'm ready to turn the page on yesterdays and forgive them
Now I'm ready to disengage to seize the day and move on.
-Boom Shanka
I'm getting better at reminding myself to
Try not to think too far ahead
The pendulum swings soon enough
We could stay on this side instead
But we wanna make it rough
But the kicker is teaching myself to
Journey in peace now
You don't have to be afraid
Though mistakes
they will be made
Journey in peace now my friend
No you can't go around it
You have to walk right through it
My father told me that so long ago
Every time that you ignore it
It gets a little more
You just have to walk toward
The fear to go
Don't be afraid
it's all part of the plan for us
Don't be afraid
it's all part of the plan for us
All that you hold dear
is on the other side of that fear.
Showing posts with label food for thought. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food for thought. Show all posts
When I Hit A Fork In The Road
Is it possible that the things that are lacking in my life are that way simply because I'm not a big enough bitch? Or because I tend to hesitate to say how I'm really feeling when I really should just let it out? I just finished reading The Theory Of Opposites by Allison Winn Scotch and it got me thinking - maybe I should take the advice sprinkled throughout this novel and do something with it. Maybe, I should start taking left turns instead of right ones. Maybe, instead of staying within my comfort zone, sometimes painstakingly, I should venture outside of it a little more often.
I'm not saying that I'm going to morph myself into a royal bitch that no one will like. I need to learn to stand up for myself more often. I tend to keep my mouth shut when something is bothering me or I am being treated unfairly, whether it's at work, in relationships, or even when I know I'm getting screwed over while making some sort of financial transaction.
I've gotten a lot better at it over the last few years - I used to be a complacent doormat, I might as well face it. Not so much anymore, but there's always room for improvement.
I can only control the present. To an extent. Like when I learned last week, from a fellow photographer, that apparently someone at work had an issue with the posing of my subjects and that was the reason I had been put on a few jobs as assistant and not a photographer. The thing is - I had been doing it my way since August and nothing had been said to me. I was so upset I nearly launched into a full blown panic attack on the job. Ordinarily I would let it go and not bother to speak up to person I should have, the person who had the opportunity more than once to address this issue with me as I sat in their office. But I remembered the book, and I did the opposite - I spoke up. I called one of the supervisors (the person I needed to talk to directly was out of town,) on my way home that day and told them how upset I was that there were "issues" with my work and I was never informed, that if there was a problem, someone should have addressed it with me so I could rectify it. I also made it a point to shoot over the two-day job to prove that I am a good photographer, tweaking the things I knew needed improvement anyway.
So yeah, ordinarily, I would have sat back and done nothing until I was approached about the situation. But if I had done this, who knows when that would have happened. I had to take action, especially because the integrity of my work was technically in question. I have yet to hear any backlash, so I don't even know if I did the right thing, aside from the person I had expressed my grievance to informing me that they checked out my past work and didn't see any problems.
It's a tough call sometimes. I'm one of those people who has a crushing fear of angering someone, whether it be a friend, a lover, a family member or an employer. I sometimes stumble over my words, even in my head, and fear that saying whatever it is that I need to say will do more harm than good. Past experience and the environment I grew up in contribute heavily to this.
So it's definitely time to start making the left turns when I hit a fork in the road, because I've become painfully aware that always going right hasn't really been working out for me.
I'm not saying that I'm going to morph myself into a royal bitch that no one will like. I need to learn to stand up for myself more often. I tend to keep my mouth shut when something is bothering me or I am being treated unfairly, whether it's at work, in relationships, or even when I know I'm getting screwed over while making some sort of financial transaction.
I've gotten a lot better at it over the last few years - I used to be a complacent doormat, I might as well face it. Not so much anymore, but there's always room for improvement.
I can only control the present. To an extent. Like when I learned last week, from a fellow photographer, that apparently someone at work had an issue with the posing of my subjects and that was the reason I had been put on a few jobs as assistant and not a photographer. The thing is - I had been doing it my way since August and nothing had been said to me. I was so upset I nearly launched into a full blown panic attack on the job. Ordinarily I would let it go and not bother to speak up to person I should have, the person who had the opportunity more than once to address this issue with me as I sat in their office. But I remembered the book, and I did the opposite - I spoke up. I called one of the supervisors (the person I needed to talk to directly was out of town,) on my way home that day and told them how upset I was that there were "issues" with my work and I was never informed, that if there was a problem, someone should have addressed it with me so I could rectify it. I also made it a point to shoot over the two-day job to prove that I am a good photographer, tweaking the things I knew needed improvement anyway.
So yeah, ordinarily, I would have sat back and done nothing until I was approached about the situation. But if I had done this, who knows when that would have happened. I had to take action, especially because the integrity of my work was technically in question. I have yet to hear any backlash, so I don't even know if I did the right thing, aside from the person I had expressed my grievance to informing me that they checked out my past work and didn't see any problems.
It's a tough call sometimes. I'm one of those people who has a crushing fear of angering someone, whether it be a friend, a lover, a family member or an employer. I sometimes stumble over my words, even in my head, and fear that saying whatever it is that I need to say will do more harm than good. Past experience and the environment I grew up in contribute heavily to this.
So it's definitely time to start making the left turns when I hit a fork in the road, because I've become painfully aware that always going right hasn't really been working out for me.
There Are No Life Jackets In The Ocean of Separation...
...so when you try to swim across it, you will drown.
I need some feedback on this one.
I'm getting tired of re-hashing all that has done down this past month and a half between my Ex and I, but I can't help it. It's like having tasted my first shot of Fireball, discovering something painfully awesome, and so once the first shot goes down, I go into overdrive and ultimately wake up with killer heartburn.
Here's what I want feedback on. If someone breaks your heart - would you remain in contact with them or make every effort possible to cut off all communication in order to heal? I'm not asking for myself - I've been there, done that, even have a couple of crappy tee shirts from the trip.
I have every reason to suspect that my ex never stopped communicating with the *cough* rhymes-with-witch *cough* that broke his heart over two years ago. And I have every reason to suspect that it is one of the main reasons he shattered my world when he told me that, basically, he hasn't moved on from that relationship and couldn't devote himself wholly to ours.
I've been talking back and forth with a mutual friend of ours and that's when this realization hit me - that in order to heal, in order to even consider maintaining some sort of friendship with someone who has broken our heart, an ocean of time and space between both parties needs to be established for an extended period of time, no?
When I split up with the man I had been with for years, the one I thought I was going to marry, I threw that barricade up as quickly as I could, in order to save him the heartache of not getting the opportunity to move on. Was it hard? Of-fucking-course! Did it always work? No. For the first six months he did everything he could to break me down, but I refused to let him. Granted, I was the one who left, but he was the one who had broken my heart by refusing to put in the effort to fix everything that was wrong in our relationship. Did I question my decision to end it? Every day. Sometimes, even six years later, I still do. But deep down I know it was the right one. Has he moved on? Absolutely. And he's better off for it, I'm sure. Do I still talk to him? Not so much, but if we cross paths, it is what it is (as much I hate that phrase,) and we have the ability to be amicable. But it took an ocean of time and space.
When Buzzard broke my heart, I refused to contact him. I deleted his phone number, I didn't respond to his calls or text messages for nearly seven months. Because of the willpower I possessed, I was able to move on with my life and rebuild it, brick by brick, and I am so much better for it. Now I can view him as a friend, there is no longing to be back with him, to be involved romantically with him because I put an ocean of time and space between us. Sometimes I still do just because I don't want to be involved in the drama that he is such a magnet for.
So am I wrong? Does it not make sense that in order to heal from a broken heart, hell, a broken life, we must separate ourselves from the one who caused it?
I need some feedback on this one.
I'm getting tired of re-hashing all that has done down this past month and a half between my Ex and I, but I can't help it. It's like having tasted my first shot of Fireball, discovering something painfully awesome, and so once the first shot goes down, I go into overdrive and ultimately wake up with killer heartburn.
Here's what I want feedback on. If someone breaks your heart - would you remain in contact with them or make every effort possible to cut off all communication in order to heal? I'm not asking for myself - I've been there, done that, even have a couple of crappy tee shirts from the trip.
I have every reason to suspect that my ex never stopped communicating with the *cough* rhymes-with-witch *cough* that broke his heart over two years ago. And I have every reason to suspect that it is one of the main reasons he shattered my world when he told me that, basically, he hasn't moved on from that relationship and couldn't devote himself wholly to ours.
I've been talking back and forth with a mutual friend of ours and that's when this realization hit me - that in order to heal, in order to even consider maintaining some sort of friendship with someone who has broken our heart, an ocean of time and space between both parties needs to be established for an extended period of time, no?
When I split up with the man I had been with for years, the one I thought I was going to marry, I threw that barricade up as quickly as I could, in order to save him the heartache of not getting the opportunity to move on. Was it hard? Of-fucking-course! Did it always work? No. For the first six months he did everything he could to break me down, but I refused to let him. Granted, I was the one who left, but he was the one who had broken my heart by refusing to put in the effort to fix everything that was wrong in our relationship. Did I question my decision to end it? Every day. Sometimes, even six years later, I still do. But deep down I know it was the right one. Has he moved on? Absolutely. And he's better off for it, I'm sure. Do I still talk to him? Not so much, but if we cross paths, it is what it is (as much I hate that phrase,) and we have the ability to be amicable. But it took an ocean of time and space.
When Buzzard broke my heart, I refused to contact him. I deleted his phone number, I didn't respond to his calls or text messages for nearly seven months. Because of the willpower I possessed, I was able to move on with my life and rebuild it, brick by brick, and I am so much better for it. Now I can view him as a friend, there is no longing to be back with him, to be involved romantically with him because I put an ocean of time and space between us. Sometimes I still do just because I don't want to be involved in the drama that he is such a magnet for.
So am I wrong? Does it not make sense that in order to heal from a broken heart, hell, a broken life, we must separate ourselves from the one who caused it?
Just Love Yourself, Dammit - If I Can Do It, So Can You
So of course I take part in social media like everyone else on the planet. My personal favorite is Twitter, but of course I have Facebook and Tumblr accounts as well.
Since my breakup I've backed off from cruising my various timelines, mostly Facebook, for a couple of reasons. One is I don't feel like seeing random people's happiness splayed all over the internet - unless it's a dear, dear friend or family member.
The other reason I've backed off is that I have become painfully aware all of these memes and quotes and blog posts, etc, that either pertain to my situation or make me think of him - they cross my line of sight, I read them, and it hurts. It really, really hurts. It takes all the willpower I've got to not forward them along to him.
One thing that is getting under my skin lately is all of the "I-may-be-difficult-but-I'm-worth-it" type quotes that are plastered everywhere. Why? Because it shouldn't have to be like that, and most of the time, it isn't. I used to think that of myself, but then I learned it simply isn't true. I am not a difficult person. My friends and everyone else that I love, the ex included, are not difficult people. But it doesn't make them worth my time any less. Yes, I love them all in spite of their idiosyncrasies and whatnot, but those things do not make them "difficult" or "weird" or "crazy." It disheartens me to think that we've become the "I-deserve-to-be-loved-even-though" generation. It should not be that way. We all deserved to be loved, plain and simple.
Maybe the mindset should be changed to "I-deserve-to-be-loved-BECAUSE-I-am-difficult." Or better yet, "I-am-NOT-difficult-and-am-STILL-worth-it."
Another thought that saddens me is that the people who truly feel this way, who feel that they are not easy to get along with or have so many internal issues that it makes them hard to accept being loved, have obviously had someone in their past, or even present, that caused them to feel this way. Why do we do this to each other?
What if we were to all walk around with healthy amounts of self esteem? What if we all believed we are worth someone's time and someone's love? Wouldn't things be a lot different? I know that I wouldn't want to be with a person who felt so awful about themselves. The best I could give them would be the love and support of a good friend.
Since my breakup I've backed off from cruising my various timelines, mostly Facebook, for a couple of reasons. One is I don't feel like seeing random people's happiness splayed all over the internet - unless it's a dear, dear friend or family member.
The other reason I've backed off is that I have become painfully aware all of these memes and quotes and blog posts, etc, that either pertain to my situation or make me think of him - they cross my line of sight, I read them, and it hurts. It really, really hurts. It takes all the willpower I've got to not forward them along to him.
One thing that is getting under my skin lately is all of the "I-may-be-difficult-but-I'm-worth-it" type quotes that are plastered everywhere. Why? Because it shouldn't have to be like that, and most of the time, it isn't. I used to think that of myself, but then I learned it simply isn't true. I am not a difficult person. My friends and everyone else that I love, the ex included, are not difficult people. But it doesn't make them worth my time any less. Yes, I love them all in spite of their idiosyncrasies and whatnot, but those things do not make them "difficult" or "weird" or "crazy." It disheartens me to think that we've become the "I-deserve-to-be-loved-even-though" generation. It should not be that way. We all deserved to be loved, plain and simple.
Maybe the mindset should be changed to "I-deserve-to-be-loved-BECAUSE-I-am-difficult." Or better yet, "I-am-NOT-difficult-and-am-STILL-worth-it."
Another thought that saddens me is that the people who truly feel this way, who feel that they are not easy to get along with or have so many internal issues that it makes them hard to accept being loved, have obviously had someone in their past, or even present, that caused them to feel this way. Why do we do this to each other?
 |
| It's heartbreaking to know people think this way. |
I have all the reason in the world to think I don't deserve to be loved. I have all the reason in the world right now to believe that I am difficult, I am strange, I am neurotic and downright unlovable. But you know what? I don't believe those things. Because I believe something that trumps all of those things -
I am an amazing person.
I am beautiful, inside and out.
I am lovable.
I am downright fantastic and fuck you if you can't see that.
Most Of Us Really Are Living On the Edge
I'm living in a world where every one gets a trophy just for showing up.
I never got a trophy when I played baseball because I wasn't good at it, and that was okay with me. I got my trophies singing my heart out all throughout my school career, from dedicating much of my time to practicing, rehearsing and performing. When I got a varsity letter my freshman year for being on the swim team, I felt it was entirely undeserved, but the swim team is considered all around varsity.
We spend an absurd amount of money on fancy, gourmet birthday cakes for babies while teaching them it's okay to verbally assault people over the internet.
Seriously, what are they going to think when they find out one day that daddy consistently called mommy a whore or that mommy trashed daddy for not paying child support?
Because, let's face it, we're living in a world where having a baby is not a big deal anymore. The next generation might as well be called the "Oops Generation."
Which is one of the main reasons I make it a point to take my birth control and practice safe sex. And when it comes down to it, I don't sleep with people I wouldn't at least consider having a child with.
I'm living in a world where, if asked whether or not I believe in God and all I say is yes, my response is immediately taken as a threat and I'm bashed for even having faith.
On the flip side, I'm living in a world where evangelists and right wing maniacs have distorted faith and religion so much that they now carry a nasty stain.
In my world, I go to work every day. I pay my car insurance. I pay my health insurance. I make about $100 too much to qualify for government assistance. But I still work, and I still pay my bills, with little or no money left over to put into my savings.
It must be nice to sit on your ass all day and know the government will take care of you. I bought my iPhone with money from the same checking account I pay my bills out of. You know, the one my paycheck is deposited into.
I'm living in a world where Nicki Minaj and Justin Bieber are considered "talent."
Enough said. Where's the noose?
We are living in a world where young people demand respect from their elders without giving it first.
Remember the phrase "You have to earn respect before receiving it?" Yeah, that's been lost in translation.
I'm tired of seeing the same status updates on Facebook, down to the most unimportant detail of someone's day.
I don't care what side of the bed you woke up on. Unless it was in the middle of street in downtown Wilmington and you seemed to have lost your pants, I'm not interested.
I don't care what you're making for every meal of every day, either.
We are living in a world where shit like that has become the basis for our entertainment.
I'm stuck in this world where fact-checking has gone down the drain and people immediately believe what they see or read without looking into it first.
In today's world making the commute to work is enough to drive one insane. We seem to have forgotten common courtesy and the fact that we will all get to our destination one way or the other. You're not going to be late if you let even just one car merge in front of you.
We are all racing to the red light.
I'm living in a world where if I were to play Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London, it would be mistaken for that Kid Rock song.
I'm shaking my head.
In my world, asking someone to sit up straight is like asking them to shove bamboo shoots under their fingernails.
Doesn't your back hurt from being slumped over all day? Oh, and by the way, close your mouth. You look like you're missing a chromosome.
I'm living in a world where it is expensive to eat healthy and cheap to just not care anymore.
I've been over this before.
I'm living in a world where the word judgmental has become a common adjective to describe someone's character.
Maybe if we stopped and put ourselves in someone else's shoes for a second, we'd think twice. Maybe if we got to know our neighbors the world would be a nicer place. Maybe if we weren't so quick to shove our beliefs down someone else's throat they would be willingly to listen to what we have to say.
We are living in a world where children are abducted and found murdered over car parts, or they are abused by someone they trust at a day camp. You can't send your kids to school, vacation bible school, or sports camp without worrying whether or not they will be returned to you mentally intact or intact at all.
What is provoking this sickness that is rearing its ugly head in our society? We are destroying our children, one by one, leaving them to grow up jaded and desensitized with no faith in humanity at all.
I am living in a world where evil is overshadowing good. Drug cartels have taken over Mexico and leaving severed heads in front of elementary schools as a threat to teachers if half of their wages are not paid to cartels.
Excuse me, but what the fuck. That makes the shit hole schools in run down neighborhoods I sometimes work in look like first class private academies.
The bottom line is that we're living on the edge. Everyone is on the edge. I feel it too. Some days I want to flip out on the person in front of me in line at the store because they're paying for their goods with $20 in change. But I don't. Because I don't know what their situation is. Maybe they scrounged up all they had left to buy a gallon of milk for their kids.
It's easier to be a dick than to be nice. It's easier to keep walking instead of hold the door open for the person behind you struggling with an armload of stuff. It's easier to cut the old person off to pull into the parking spot they were waiting for. It's easier to discriminate rather than open our minds to something we're not familiar with. We're all guilty of it; it's how we handle it. Let's face it - we're living on the edge, but Steven Tyler says it better than I can.
I never got a trophy when I played baseball because I wasn't good at it, and that was okay with me. I got my trophies singing my heart out all throughout my school career, from dedicating much of my time to practicing, rehearsing and performing. When I got a varsity letter my freshman year for being on the swim team, I felt it was entirely undeserved, but the swim team is considered all around varsity.
We spend an absurd amount of money on fancy, gourmet birthday cakes for babies while teaching them it's okay to verbally assault people over the internet.
Seriously, what are they going to think when they find out one day that daddy consistently called mommy a whore or that mommy trashed daddy for not paying child support?
Because, let's face it, we're living in a world where having a baby is not a big deal anymore. The next generation might as well be called the "Oops Generation."
Which is one of the main reasons I make it a point to take my birth control and practice safe sex. And when it comes down to it, I don't sleep with people I wouldn't at least consider having a child with.
I'm living in a world where, if asked whether or not I believe in God and all I say is yes, my response is immediately taken as a threat and I'm bashed for even having faith.
On the flip side, I'm living in a world where evangelists and right wing maniacs have distorted faith and religion so much that they now carry a nasty stain.
In my world, I go to work every day. I pay my car insurance. I pay my health insurance. I make about $100 too much to qualify for government assistance. But I still work, and I still pay my bills, with little or no money left over to put into my savings.
It must be nice to sit on your ass all day and know the government will take care of you. I bought my iPhone with money from the same checking account I pay my bills out of. You know, the one my paycheck is deposited into.
I'm living in a world where Nicki Minaj and Justin Bieber are considered "talent."
Enough said. Where's the noose?
We are living in a world where young people demand respect from their elders without giving it first.
Remember the phrase "You have to earn respect before receiving it?" Yeah, that's been lost in translation.
I'm tired of seeing the same status updates on Facebook, down to the most unimportant detail of someone's day.
I don't care what side of the bed you woke up on. Unless it was in the middle of street in downtown Wilmington and you seemed to have lost your pants, I'm not interested.
I don't care what you're making for every meal of every day, either.
We are living in a world where shit like that has become the basis for our entertainment.
I'm stuck in this world where fact-checking has gone down the drain and people immediately believe what they see or read without looking into it first.
In today's world making the commute to work is enough to drive one insane. We seem to have forgotten common courtesy and the fact that we will all get to our destination one way or the other. You're not going to be late if you let even just one car merge in front of you.
We are all racing to the red light.
I'm living in a world where if I were to play Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London, it would be mistaken for that Kid Rock song.
I'm shaking my head.
In my world, asking someone to sit up straight is like asking them to shove bamboo shoots under their fingernails.
Doesn't your back hurt from being slumped over all day? Oh, and by the way, close your mouth. You look like you're missing a chromosome.
I'm living in a world where it is expensive to eat healthy and cheap to just not care anymore.
I've been over this before.
I'm living in a world where the word judgmental has become a common adjective to describe someone's character.
Maybe if we stopped and put ourselves in someone else's shoes for a second, we'd think twice. Maybe if we got to know our neighbors the world would be a nicer place. Maybe if we weren't so quick to shove our beliefs down someone else's throat they would be willingly to listen to what we have to say.
We are living in a world where children are abducted and found murdered over car parts, or they are abused by someone they trust at a day camp. You can't send your kids to school, vacation bible school, or sports camp without worrying whether or not they will be returned to you mentally intact or intact at all.
What is provoking this sickness that is rearing its ugly head in our society? We are destroying our children, one by one, leaving them to grow up jaded and desensitized with no faith in humanity at all.
I am living in a world where evil is overshadowing good. Drug cartels have taken over Mexico and leaving severed heads in front of elementary schools as a threat to teachers if half of their wages are not paid to cartels.
Excuse me, but what the fuck. That makes the shit hole schools in run down neighborhoods I sometimes work in look like first class private academies.
The bottom line is that we're living on the edge. Everyone is on the edge. I feel it too. Some days I want to flip out on the person in front of me in line at the store because they're paying for their goods with $20 in change. But I don't. Because I don't know what their situation is. Maybe they scrounged up all they had left to buy a gallon of milk for their kids.
It's easier to be a dick than to be nice. It's easier to keep walking instead of hold the door open for the person behind you struggling with an armload of stuff. It's easier to cut the old person off to pull into the parking spot they were waiting for. It's easier to discriminate rather than open our minds to something we're not familiar with. We're all guilty of it; it's how we handle it. Let's face it - we're living on the edge, but Steven Tyler says it better than I can.
Emotional Unavailability Is Bullshit
I don't get it and I never will, I know that much. My life has become significantly less complicated since I've whittled down the number of lovers I have at any given time to a very, very small one. But that's not to say the ones I keep close don't throw me into a spin every once in a while. I've been played the "emotionally unavailable" card 4 times in the past year, and I just don't get it. I'm actually starting to think it's a cop out. It's easier than saying, I like you, but not enough to pursue something more significant with you.
The first time I was handed this line, I accepted it without too much hesitation, although I was somewhat devastated upon hearing it. Okay, you've got a lot of shit floating around in your head, I understand where you're coming from. I really can't blame you, thanks for your honesty.
The second time it came from the infamous Buzzard. Yeah, yeah, fuck you and your "issues." You figured it would just be easier to tell me that you were unable to give me what I needed out of a relationship as opposed to flat-out saying, "I don't want a girlfriend, I just want to fuck bitches." Because honestly honey, everybody knows at this point that that's all you care about. You don't have "issues," you're just a sleazy old man now that eventually no woman is going to want. Especially once your prick falls off.
The third time I got the line, I hadn't expected to feel the way I was starting to about the other person involved. We started out as casual lovers, and things escalated as we started spending more time together. I liked how he made me feel, how much fun we had together, and his happy-go-lucky approach to life. He was very attentive to my needs, respectful and honest with me. So I laid it out on the table for him, prepared for whatever he handed back to me. And of course, it was the same spiel. Okay, I understand work is kicking your ass and owning a business can stress you out to the max. Yes, it sucks that the last relationship you were in ended badly, but so did mine. It hasn't stopped me from being receptive when something better comes my way. But if you claim you like being with me, we can't deny how mind-blowing the sex is and that we both feel at ease with each other, yet you can't make room for me in your life, then there's nothing I can do about it. Thanks for your honesty. Time for me to move on.
The fourth time I heard this line, I was actually a little surprised. It came up in casual conversation, not in terms of, "This is what I want and this is what I think it should be," when referring to a relationship. I may feel as though I've been a little misled, but I'm not hurt, nor have I ever been hurt by this person. I looked straight at him and replied, "If I made myself emotionally unavailable, if I put up a wall and refused to ever let anyone in at all, I'd miss out on so much. Yes, it's risky, but my life has been enriched by the relationships I've had." I personally think you need to move on because you deserve better. I don't like the way she hurt you and I don't think you have any valid reasons for wanting her back other than the fact that you grew accustomed to her being around. I don't expect you to move right on to me, you need to do it for yourself. Whether or not I fit into your future is a moot point.
Maybe I feel this way because when my last full-blown, intent-to-marry, relationship ended, I was the one who dealt it the final blow. I made the decision to end it, I dropped the bomb and literally ran the other way. I cut off all communication, I didn't want anything from him, I left all kinds of shit at his house, which was returned to me one way or another through mutual friends without ever having to see each other face to face. I knew it was the only way.
These people who keep going back to the scene of the crime make me sick. No wonder you're miserable. No wonder you're cynical. No wonder you come to believe you are "emotionally unavailable." If my ex was able to rebuild the shambles I left his life in, then you can too. If I was able to walk away from Buzzard, then you can walk away from the person who poisons your very soul.
Fuck this being emotionally unavailable. I'm here to love everyone who crosses my path at different times, or all at the same time, what's it matter? These four specific experiences have only made me stronger and more aware of what it is I want out of life and out of love. To break it down,
The first time I was handed this line, I accepted it without too much hesitation, although I was somewhat devastated upon hearing it. Okay, you've got a lot of shit floating around in your head, I understand where you're coming from. I really can't blame you, thanks for your honesty.
The second time it came from the infamous Buzzard. Yeah, yeah, fuck you and your "issues." You figured it would just be easier to tell me that you were unable to give me what I needed out of a relationship as opposed to flat-out saying, "I don't want a girlfriend, I just want to fuck bitches." Because honestly honey, everybody knows at this point that that's all you care about. You don't have "issues," you're just a sleazy old man now that eventually no woman is going to want. Especially once your prick falls off.
The third time I got the line, I hadn't expected to feel the way I was starting to about the other person involved. We started out as casual lovers, and things escalated as we started spending more time together. I liked how he made me feel, how much fun we had together, and his happy-go-lucky approach to life. He was very attentive to my needs, respectful and honest with me. So I laid it out on the table for him, prepared for whatever he handed back to me. And of course, it was the same spiel. Okay, I understand work is kicking your ass and owning a business can stress you out to the max. Yes, it sucks that the last relationship you were in ended badly, but so did mine. It hasn't stopped me from being receptive when something better comes my way. But if you claim you like being with me, we can't deny how mind-blowing the sex is and that we both feel at ease with each other, yet you can't make room for me in your life, then there's nothing I can do about it. Thanks for your honesty. Time for me to move on.
The fourth time I heard this line, I was actually a little surprised. It came up in casual conversation, not in terms of, "This is what I want and this is what I think it should be," when referring to a relationship. I may feel as though I've been a little misled, but I'm not hurt, nor have I ever been hurt by this person. I looked straight at him and replied, "If I made myself emotionally unavailable, if I put up a wall and refused to ever let anyone in at all, I'd miss out on so much. Yes, it's risky, but my life has been enriched by the relationships I've had." I personally think you need to move on because you deserve better. I don't like the way she hurt you and I don't think you have any valid reasons for wanting her back other than the fact that you grew accustomed to her being around. I don't expect you to move right on to me, you need to do it for yourself. Whether or not I fit into your future is a moot point.
Maybe I feel this way because when my last full-blown, intent-to-marry, relationship ended, I was the one who dealt it the final blow. I made the decision to end it, I dropped the bomb and literally ran the other way. I cut off all communication, I didn't want anything from him, I left all kinds of shit at his house, which was returned to me one way or another through mutual friends without ever having to see each other face to face. I knew it was the only way.
These people who keep going back to the scene of the crime make me sick. No wonder you're miserable. No wonder you're cynical. No wonder you come to believe you are "emotionally unavailable." If my ex was able to rebuild the shambles I left his life in, then you can too. If I was able to walk away from Buzzard, then you can walk away from the person who poisons your very soul.
Fuck this being emotionally unavailable. I'm here to love everyone who crosses my path at different times, or all at the same time, what's it matter? These four specific experiences have only made me stronger and more aware of what it is I want out of life and out of love. To break it down,
- If I had put my guard up after I left my ex, I would have never started down the path of self discovery.
- If I hadn't gone through every bit of emotional trauma caused by Buzzard, I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am today. I still wouldn't know that I deserve to be treated with respect, and telling Buzzard to fuck off was how I learned it.
- I know now that it's not the end of the world if a partner doesn't feel the same way I do. I've learned acceptance, and also that I can't control another human being's emotions. If they don't want the same things, then it's time to move on.
- It's all about balance. When my fourth experience with the E-U card came, I pretty much blew it off. I was only able to do so because the relationship I have with this person is something of an anomaly. We are equal parts friends and lovers, cut and dry. There's no using or being used because we both genuinely care about each other and have for a long time.
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