Okay, so quick update before it's time to get ready for work.
I did it. I went and saw my old boss and I'm already back on the schedule for August. I put in my two weeks' notice at work and am counting down the hours and minutes until I will never have to see that place again. (As I write this I realize I need to write my resignation letter. HR isn't in until Monday though so I have some time.)
Come August I will be back in the midst of the chaos and couldn't be happier. That chaos is where I belong, in the middle of that big, dysfunctional yet loving family of photographers. You can't kill the creative side of your brain. I tried, twice, and failed. So I'm just going to go with it.
I have started writing for real. I have pages and pages coming together and it's blowing my mind. Granted, I'm somewhat all over the place right now, but it's just the beginning and we all have to start somewhere. The fluidity of the pace at which I am writing is astounding, when last year I couldn't get a paragraph done. I realized that when it comes to writing, get it out and then worry about structure. I had tried outlines, creating characters and organizational thinking to no avail. It wasn't until I said screw it and just started going with whatever was in my head at the moment that it all started coming together. The characters will build themselves. The story line will be under construction until the last sentence is written. But my main focus is that whatever this turns into - whether it ends up a short story or a novel - will be something people will want to read. It will be something they can relate to. It will be interesting. It will be heart wrenching. It will be heartwarming, it will be uplifting, it will be funny, it will be sexy. It will be my life, or whatever I choose to make it, on paper. Because trust me kids, my trips around the sun have been far from boring.
I Create My Own Confusion
Here I am back again at square one in regards to what I do for a living. If a living is even what you can call it; I'm scraping by unable to save a dime. Sure, having health benefits is great, still being paid for time off is great, but the toll it is taking on my sanity is of a magnitude I didn't think possible. No wonder 40-hour-a-week drones, those who spend that time in a cubicle or at a desk, are miserable. I'm not even in a cubicle but I lose my damn mind walking into that same building every day, going into the same locker room, putting on the same scrubs, and doing the same jobs over and over again. The time just drags on, and I spend more of it there than I do anywhere else.
Yes, I know how lucky I am to even have a job. I also realize how lucky I am to have the ability to make choices when it comes to my job and what I do to pay the bills. The enormity of it is not lost on me. BUT...
I've begun to ask myself, Is this the quality of life I want? I know, I know. It's only been four months. I've applied for two different positions within the company; I didn't get the first one for reasons I completely understand, but I wanted to prove I had the guts and gusto to move upwards. Still waiting to be interviewed for the second one, or at least hear something, and it the outcome just might make the decision for me - the decision I'd never thought I'd face again and the conclusion I've already come to - that this is not for me. I walk around that place and think, I am not like these people. I can't handle this. I need to be using the other side of my brain again. At least the stress that caused me was worth it in some twisted way.
The stress I'm experiencing now is of a whole different caliber - working twice as hard for less money, missing my family, my life, popping one or two Klonopins just to get through the day. With my old job they were there if I needed them, but it was rare that I had to run to the bathroom with a bottle of water and dig through my purse in search of my prescription. (Which reminds me, I need to get it refilled for the first time in almost an entire year. What does that say?)
I don't know what the hell to do. My old job is beckoning me to come back. Come back Dana, your passion isn't dead. Come back, you can make a few small demands from your old boss that would make it worth it to both you and him.
Now that my major debt is paid off, I'd be able to sock away some money. I'd be able to repay those who have helped me out, because right now, the paycheck goes into my account and then right back out, regardless of the fact that I have slashed my monthly bills by almost a third. I've been sitting on $20 since last Monday to get me through until this Friday.
Maybe I needed a break from the photography gig to reset my mind frame. Maybe I needed a wake up call to realize how good I had it, even with all of the traffic and snot nosed brats that I had to make look fabulous. I remember cutting the grass one day, my thoughts following the trails I was making while pushing the mower, and thinking, Maybe being the Picture Lady, being the school portrait photographer, for the rest of my life wouldn't have been such a bad gig. At least there I had coworkers I looked up to and aspired to be like. At least there, when summer time came, I had the ability and freedom to express my creativity by taking actual portraits that wouldn't just be discarded the following year. Oh and the stories I had. The stories I would come home with were some of the best.
Like I said, I don't know what the hell to do. I am more confused now than I've ever been. What does my heart want? What does God want for me?
I better get my ass in gear and head to the gym to (hopefully) clear my head a bit before it's time to go to work. Shudder.
Yes, I know how lucky I am to even have a job. I also realize how lucky I am to have the ability to make choices when it comes to my job and what I do to pay the bills. The enormity of it is not lost on me. BUT...
I've begun to ask myself, Is this the quality of life I want? I know, I know. It's only been four months. I've applied for two different positions within the company; I didn't get the first one for reasons I completely understand, but I wanted to prove I had the guts and gusto to move upwards. Still waiting to be interviewed for the second one, or at least hear something, and it the outcome just might make the decision for me - the decision I'd never thought I'd face again and the conclusion I've already come to - that this is not for me. I walk around that place and think, I am not like these people. I can't handle this. I need to be using the other side of my brain again. At least the stress that caused me was worth it in some twisted way.
The stress I'm experiencing now is of a whole different caliber - working twice as hard for less money, missing my family, my life, popping one or two Klonopins just to get through the day. With my old job they were there if I needed them, but it was rare that I had to run to the bathroom with a bottle of water and dig through my purse in search of my prescription. (Which reminds me, I need to get it refilled for the first time in almost an entire year. What does that say?)
I don't know what the hell to do. My old job is beckoning me to come back. Come back Dana, your passion isn't dead. Come back, you can make a few small demands from your old boss that would make it worth it to both you and him.
Now that my major debt is paid off, I'd be able to sock away some money. I'd be able to repay those who have helped me out, because right now, the paycheck goes into my account and then right back out, regardless of the fact that I have slashed my monthly bills by almost a third. I've been sitting on $20 since last Monday to get me through until this Friday.
Maybe I needed a break from the photography gig to reset my mind frame. Maybe I needed a wake up call to realize how good I had it, even with all of the traffic and snot nosed brats that I had to make look fabulous. I remember cutting the grass one day, my thoughts following the trails I was making while pushing the mower, and thinking, Maybe being the Picture Lady, being the school portrait photographer, for the rest of my life wouldn't have been such a bad gig. At least there I had coworkers I looked up to and aspired to be like. At least there, when summer time came, I had the ability and freedom to express my creativity by taking actual portraits that wouldn't just be discarded the following year. Oh and the stories I had. The stories I would come home with were some of the best.
Like I said, I don't know what the hell to do. I am more confused now than I've ever been. What does my heart want? What does God want for me?
I better get my ass in gear and head to the gym to (hopefully) clear my head a bit before it's time to go to work. Shudder.
My Journey Back To Faith, Part 3
I am so thankful for Philip. We have both been helping each other rekindle our relationships with God. He grew up in the church much like I did, he strayed from the church much like I did, he was searching for a way back much like I was and we openly discussed our faith and our struggles. I had never been with someone with the same background as me when it came to the church. My ex had always denounced going to church and dragging him there even for special occasions or if I was performing with the choir was like pulling teeth. It made me sad because for most of the time we were together, my faith had been growing and evolving and he, indirectly or not, stunted it.
When Philip and I started dating I had already been toying with the idea of going back to church. One Saturday night as we were getting ready for bed he asked me if I would like to go to church with him the following morning, as if he had read my mind. Thus began our Sunday morning ritual of attending Gateway Church in Parkesburg. And I love it there. It's based on the same principles of the church I used to attend, but it lacks the pretentiousness I was so accustomed to. The congregation as a whole has a sense of genuineness that I missed so much, and the teachings are applicable to real life as opposed to ones that could only be so if one lived in a bubble. When I walked in the door for the first time, my fear of being judged or shunned melted away. Shit, I walk into my own church still feeling that way regardless of the fact that most of the congregation there has known me since I was five years old. I've only been attending Gateway for maybe two months and already feel at home. The pastor is a warm, openly emotional, approachable guy who one can expect a bear hug from in the foyer on Sunday mornings before the service. My first time there he seemed genuinely delighted to meet me, as did the other members I was introduced to by Philip - and to see the look on their faces when he would announce that I was the inspiration for him coming back, well, I can't really describe that feeling. It was as if someone had returned their lost puppy after months of searching for it.
It doesn't matter if we walk in there wearing the same clothes from the night before or me in yoga pants and flip flops, no makeup and hair in a messy ponytail, Philip in the shirt he probably slept in, his giant septum ring proudly on display - no one bats an eye or turns to the person next to them, whispering judgement. They're happy to see us there.
To be continued...
When Philip and I started dating I had already been toying with the idea of going back to church. One Saturday night as we were getting ready for bed he asked me if I would like to go to church with him the following morning, as if he had read my mind. Thus began our Sunday morning ritual of attending Gateway Church in Parkesburg. And I love it there. It's based on the same principles of the church I used to attend, but it lacks the pretentiousness I was so accustomed to. The congregation as a whole has a sense of genuineness that I missed so much, and the teachings are applicable to real life as opposed to ones that could only be so if one lived in a bubble. When I walked in the door for the first time, my fear of being judged or shunned melted away. Shit, I walk into my own church still feeling that way regardless of the fact that most of the congregation there has known me since I was five years old. I've only been attending Gateway for maybe two months and already feel at home. The pastor is a warm, openly emotional, approachable guy who one can expect a bear hug from in the foyer on Sunday mornings before the service. My first time there he seemed genuinely delighted to meet me, as did the other members I was introduced to by Philip - and to see the look on their faces when he would announce that I was the inspiration for him coming back, well, I can't really describe that feeling. It was as if someone had returned their lost puppy after months of searching for it.
It doesn't matter if we walk in there wearing the same clothes from the night before or me in yoga pants and flip flops, no makeup and hair in a messy ponytail, Philip in the shirt he probably slept in, his giant septum ring proudly on display - no one bats an eye or turns to the person next to them, whispering judgement. They're happy to see us there.
To be continued...
My Journey Back To Faith, Part 2
My mother has a daily devotional book, Jesus Calling, that sits on the kitchen table. I've taken to picking it up in the morning, especially when I'm feeling lousy, and whatever the devotion happens to be for that particular day never fails to be totally relevant to how I'm feeling. Never fails.
Monday I spent all day at work in front of the computer processing pill counts and suspensions for dispensing. It's good because it doesn't require heavy lifting, but it gets a little repetitive, so I had a lot of time to think. My mind would wander back to whether or not I had made the right career move. Doubt and worry about my future set in. So yesterday morning I picked up the devotional and the words leaped off the page and damn near smacked me in the face.
June 18
YOU ARE MY BELOVED CHILD. I chose you to be the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along the paths designed specifically for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.
Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.
Boom! There it was, exactly what I needed to hear, because my struggle right now is focusing too much time and energy on things I cannot control and therefore I have a very hard time relaxing and enjoying the present moment.
I'm not ashamed that I've chosen to rekindle my relationship with God. It has made a huge difference in my life. Where there was once nothing but darkness I now see light. I'm slowly starting to feel peace come back into my life. I'm learning that the struggles I experience in my head can and will be overcome. I'm learning to accept that life isn't and never will be perfect or what I expect it to be, and to be thankful for the blessings I do have.
To be continued...
Monday I spent all day at work in front of the computer processing pill counts and suspensions for dispensing. It's good because it doesn't require heavy lifting, but it gets a little repetitive, so I had a lot of time to think. My mind would wander back to whether or not I had made the right career move. Doubt and worry about my future set in. So yesterday morning I picked up the devotional and the words leaped off the page and damn near smacked me in the face.
June 18
YOU ARE MY BELOVED CHILD. I chose you to be the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along the paths designed specifically for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.
Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.
Boom! There it was, exactly what I needed to hear, because my struggle right now is focusing too much time and energy on things I cannot control and therefore I have a very hard time relaxing and enjoying the present moment.
I'm not ashamed that I've chosen to rekindle my relationship with God. It has made a huge difference in my life. Where there was once nothing but darkness I now see light. I'm slowly starting to feel peace come back into my life. I'm learning that the struggles I experience in my head can and will be overcome. I'm learning to accept that life isn't and never will be perfect or what I expect it to be, and to be thankful for the blessings I do have.
To be continued...
My Journey Back To Faith
I took the day off last Wednesday because the pain in my chest was pretty unbearable and I needed a mental health break as well.
I started experiencing severe chest pains at work last Friday and ended up in my doctor's office. All of the tests they ran showed that it wasn't my heart, thank God. (They were able to see me immediately and wanted to prevent an emergency room trip if at all possible and I'm glad they did because that wouldn't have been necessary.) Turns out I have costochondritis, and all I can do is manage the pain until it goes away on its own, plus make sure I take it easy so as not to aggravate it or slow down the healing process. Very frustrating for someone whose job entails plenty of heavy lifting and someone who also goes to the gym frequently. But again, I'm so thankful that my heart is just fine.
So I took it easy last Wednesday and decided to read most of the day. I haven't had the luxury to sit down with a book, uninterrupted, for a long time. Before I picked one up, settling on How To Save Your Own Life by Erica Jong, one I've already read but in a previous life, I sat down and started making a list of things I need to remind myself of on a daily basis.
Like,
- I can't stress about tomorrow because it's out of my control.
- I can't stress over money because I have a full time job and my bills are getting paid.
- I can't worry about the things I have no control over.
- I must choose to enjoy the present. Not dwell in the past or mull over the future.
- I am thankful for all I do have and won't concern myself with what I don't have.
Sometimes I get so down on myself, so immersed in my own head, that I end up feeling like a lousy human being. I forget how far I've come this past year. I dwell on the negatives, like I've said before, instead of focusing on the positives. And sometimes I even take the positives and spin them into negatives. It's a vicious cycle that I am trying desperately to put an end to.
To be continued...
I started experiencing severe chest pains at work last Friday and ended up in my doctor's office. All of the tests they ran showed that it wasn't my heart, thank God. (They were able to see me immediately and wanted to prevent an emergency room trip if at all possible and I'm glad they did because that wouldn't have been necessary.) Turns out I have costochondritis, and all I can do is manage the pain until it goes away on its own, plus make sure I take it easy so as not to aggravate it or slow down the healing process. Very frustrating for someone whose job entails plenty of heavy lifting and someone who also goes to the gym frequently. But again, I'm so thankful that my heart is just fine.
So I took it easy last Wednesday and decided to read most of the day. I haven't had the luxury to sit down with a book, uninterrupted, for a long time. Before I picked one up, settling on How To Save Your Own Life by Erica Jong, one I've already read but in a previous life, I sat down and started making a list of things I need to remind myself of on a daily basis.
Like,
- I can't stress about tomorrow because it's out of my control.
- I can't stress over money because I have a full time job and my bills are getting paid.
- I can't worry about the things I have no control over.
- I must choose to enjoy the present. Not dwell in the past or mull over the future.
- I am thankful for all I do have and won't concern myself with what I don't have.
Sometimes I get so down on myself, so immersed in my own head, that I end up feeling like a lousy human being. I forget how far I've come this past year. I dwell on the negatives, like I've said before, instead of focusing on the positives. And sometimes I even take the positives and spin them into negatives. It's a vicious cycle that I am trying desperately to put an end to.
To be continued...
The Pain Of Not Knowing Answers
Okay, so I tend to blow things out of proportion. We all do, don't we? I don't know why I'm struggling with insecurity issues when it comes to my relationship, or why I can't just let it be and accept the fact that someone outside of my family actually cares about me.
About 2 or 3 weeks ago my PMS had seemingly gotten out of control. As much as I hate to return to the cliche, I can't help but point out that when I'm down on myself, when I'm bitchy and snap and everyone, when I want to crawl into a hole and die just so happens to be when my uterus is doing it's monthly thing.
Wednesday of that particular week I had the day off and the weather was gorgeous. I spent all day outside, working on the pool & the yard, then laying by said pool even though it isn't swimmable yet. Then my brain decided to get the best of me. I started dwelling on why my boyfriend had abruptly cut off the texting the night before. I started dwelling on the fact that I am almost 30 and I still live at home. I started seriously wondering if I had made the right decision to leave my old job and start a new one in a completely different field. Dwelling on financial struggle. I was missing my dad, and my brother, who has been working down in Rehoboth for the past month or so and I don't get to see as much as I used to, (even though I know it's temporary.) Waves of emotion just kept crashing down on me and I couldn't control them.
When this happens I ask myself, "Why?" I have come so far in making positive changes to my life, so why do I still get incredibly down in the dumps? For a split second I considered asking my doctor about going back on antidepressants. But I don't want to travel down that road again. I'd rather exercise a positive mind set without the aid of prescription medicine. I'd rather stand up and say that I refuse to let depression get the best of me.
Why do I have so much trouble reminding myself to sit back and take serious inventory of all the good in my life and dwell on that instead of the negatives? I'm in constant search of the answer.
About 2 or 3 weeks ago my PMS had seemingly gotten out of control. As much as I hate to return to the cliche, I can't help but point out that when I'm down on myself, when I'm bitchy and snap and everyone, when I want to crawl into a hole and die just so happens to be when my uterus is doing it's monthly thing.
Wednesday of that particular week I had the day off and the weather was gorgeous. I spent all day outside, working on the pool & the yard, then laying by said pool even though it isn't swimmable yet. Then my brain decided to get the best of me. I started dwelling on why my boyfriend had abruptly cut off the texting the night before. I started dwelling on the fact that I am almost 30 and I still live at home. I started seriously wondering if I had made the right decision to leave my old job and start a new one in a completely different field. Dwelling on financial struggle. I was missing my dad, and my brother, who has been working down in Rehoboth for the past month or so and I don't get to see as much as I used to, (even though I know it's temporary.) Waves of emotion just kept crashing down on me and I couldn't control them.
When this happens I ask myself, "Why?" I have come so far in making positive changes to my life, so why do I still get incredibly down in the dumps? For a split second I considered asking my doctor about going back on antidepressants. But I don't want to travel down that road again. I'd rather exercise a positive mind set without the aid of prescription medicine. I'd rather stand up and say that I refuse to let depression get the best of me.
Why do I have so much trouble reminding myself to sit back and take serious inventory of all the good in my life and dwell on that instead of the negatives? I'm in constant search of the answer.
DLMD
Lately I've been battling a lot of fear and paranoia in my mind. I feel like something out there is trying to bring me down because life has been going so well. It's not that I don't think I deserve happiness. Or maybe I do and choose to be in denial about it.
Having a 9-5 job is a huge change. Well, in my case, a 12:30-9. It's a tough shift to get used to. I'm home when everyone's at work, and when everyone's at home, I'm working. It's almost...lonely. I wake up every morning at 8, do whatever needs to be done - if it's cleaning, laundry, yard work, going to the gym or running errands, I go to work, come home and go to bed or to my boyfriend's house. Wash, rinse, repeat. I have to keep reminding myself that it won't be permanent. But I have now become just another American working for the weekend. How do you all deal with it? I miss the flexibility of my old job, damn near coming and going as I pleased. But I don't miss all the stress and bullshit that went along with it, trust me.
Something else that has been weighing on my mind is my relationship with my boyfriend. It's wonderful, no doubt. He makes me incredibly happy and I know I make him happy but....do I? I don't know if it's the fact that I'm about to get my period at any minute, but I have become super paranoid. Let me preface these next thoughts with the fact that the last man I loved was a no-good turbo whore that fucked anything he could. I could assume that at given moment, he was sticking it in some piece of trash with bad teeth and be right 99.9% of the time. So to say that I'm scarred would be an understatement.
Now here I sit, in a relationship with a guy who is so good to me, and shows it. He makes sure the coffee is stocked when I come over. When my side view mirror broke, he had a new one ordered and the broken one replaced within 3 days. He picked out a beautiful backyard statue for my mom for Mother's Day, gets along with my brother and adores my nephew. He is aware of how close my family is and doesn't resent me for it.
So why do I worry? Because I know all about his sexual appetite and wonder if I keep him satisfied? Yesterday I told him I probably wouldn't be coming over after work because I was planning on going into work today to rack up a couple of extra hours. Then I changed my mind and said I'd come over. The response I got was, "I'm gonna call it an early night, I'm so tired." Okay, no big deal. A little odd, considering that when I do ask if he wants me to come over he never fails to respond with "Of course!" tired or not. What kicked my paranoia into overdrive was the abrupt stop to our conversation. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that the second I told him I wouldn't be coming over last night, he made "other" plans. I mean, it happened before, even though we weren't exclusive at the time, who's to say it won't happen again? I'll just come out and say it - I can't possibly believe that he fell asleep within seconds of sending me a text message. Maybe he was busy fucking someone else.
Part of me said, "Holy shit Dana, shift into a lower gear. That's ludicrous." The other part said, "You and he go at it like bunnies when you're together. Tonight you're 20 miles away and would be none the wiser if he has someone else in his bed. He's got free reign if he wants it, sweetheart."
I have no doubt my trust issues stem from past relationships. But I'm not in his face about it because he isn't the cause of them and I'm doing my damnedest to make sure he doesn't up on the receiving end of any backlash. In fact, I haven't even brought it up because at first it wasn't an issue. Yet my brain has decided to make it one and now I have to say something or I will lose my mind.
Now I know it's possible for this topic to be gender neutral. Both men and women are affected by past relationships and how they've been treated by the opposite sex. It's all in how we go about dealing with it. Sure, I could have blown up his phone last night when an hour passed and I still hadn't gotten a response to a question I asked him. But I didn't. I did my best to calm my nerves and went to bed.
I don't know. I don't know why I'm freaking out over this. More than likely he did fall asleep. But the little demon is telling me otherwise because that little shit is trying to convince me that I don't deserve someone capable of being loyal to me.
So sometime in the near future I will be addressing this problem with him. When we first made it official he had no qualms about expressing his fear of getting hurt and at the time, I didn't feel any need to express mine. But I think that time has come.
Having a 9-5 job is a huge change. Well, in my case, a 12:30-9. It's a tough shift to get used to. I'm home when everyone's at work, and when everyone's at home, I'm working. It's almost...lonely. I wake up every morning at 8, do whatever needs to be done - if it's cleaning, laundry, yard work, going to the gym or running errands, I go to work, come home and go to bed or to my boyfriend's house. Wash, rinse, repeat. I have to keep reminding myself that it won't be permanent. But I have now become just another American working for the weekend. How do you all deal with it? I miss the flexibility of my old job, damn near coming and going as I pleased. But I don't miss all the stress and bullshit that went along with it, trust me.
Something else that has been weighing on my mind is my relationship with my boyfriend. It's wonderful, no doubt. He makes me incredibly happy and I know I make him happy but....do I? I don't know if it's the fact that I'm about to get my period at any minute, but I have become super paranoid. Let me preface these next thoughts with the fact that the last man I loved was a no-good turbo whore that fucked anything he could. I could assume that at given moment, he was sticking it in some piece of trash with bad teeth and be right 99.9% of the time. So to say that I'm scarred would be an understatement.
Now here I sit, in a relationship with a guy who is so good to me, and shows it. He makes sure the coffee is stocked when I come over. When my side view mirror broke, he had a new one ordered and the broken one replaced within 3 days. He picked out a beautiful backyard statue for my mom for Mother's Day, gets along with my brother and adores my nephew. He is aware of how close my family is and doesn't resent me for it.
So why do I worry? Because I know all about his sexual appetite and wonder if I keep him satisfied? Yesterday I told him I probably wouldn't be coming over after work because I was planning on going into work today to rack up a couple of extra hours. Then I changed my mind and said I'd come over. The response I got was, "I'm gonna call it an early night, I'm so tired." Okay, no big deal. A little odd, considering that when I do ask if he wants me to come over he never fails to respond with "Of course!" tired or not. What kicked my paranoia into overdrive was the abrupt stop to our conversation. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that the second I told him I wouldn't be coming over last night, he made "other" plans. I mean, it happened before, even though we weren't exclusive at the time, who's to say it won't happen again? I'll just come out and say it - I can't possibly believe that he fell asleep within seconds of sending me a text message. Maybe he was busy fucking someone else.
Part of me said, "Holy shit Dana, shift into a lower gear. That's ludicrous." The other part said, "You and he go at it like bunnies when you're together. Tonight you're 20 miles away and would be none the wiser if he has someone else in his bed. He's got free reign if he wants it, sweetheart."
I have no doubt my trust issues stem from past relationships. But I'm not in his face about it because he isn't the cause of them and I'm doing my damnedest to make sure he doesn't up on the receiving end of any backlash. In fact, I haven't even brought it up because at first it wasn't an issue. Yet my brain has decided to make it one and now I have to say something or I will lose my mind.
Now I know it's possible for this topic to be gender neutral. Both men and women are affected by past relationships and how they've been treated by the opposite sex. It's all in how we go about dealing with it. Sure, I could have blown up his phone last night when an hour passed and I still hadn't gotten a response to a question I asked him. But I didn't. I did my best to calm my nerves and went to bed.
I don't know. I don't know why I'm freaking out over this. More than likely he did fall asleep. But the little demon is telling me otherwise because that little shit is trying to convince me that I don't deserve someone capable of being loyal to me.
So sometime in the near future I will be addressing this problem with him. When we first made it official he had no qualms about expressing his fear of getting hurt and at the time, I didn't feel any need to express mine. But I think that time has come.
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