Like I've said, I have no expectations nor do I have any idea what 2014 will bring. (Do any of us, ever?) I've been planning a few trips here and there. At the end of January the plan is to go visit one of my cruise buddies out in Ohio. [I was supposed to technically be on my way home from there now , but due to the snowstorm that just blasted the midwest and northeast, I thought it best to stay put.] My brother and sister in law have suggested that instead of going to Ocean City, NJ for the Mid Winter Classic, we all pitch in and rent a house in the Poconos for a weekend. [I'm down with that.] Of course I can't forget to mention the big one - my brother and I will be flying down to New Orleans in March for 311 Day 2 014! There's also lots of planning still to be done for my friend's wedding in June, which I have agreed to be a bridesmaid in. I've sucked up my distaste for Ocean City, MD (where they want to have the bachelorette party,) and am working on squeezing into my positive pants about the whole thing. [It's hard to be excited about planning wedding showers and bachelorette parties and trying on bridesmaid dresses when your own future has been put into serious question.] So between all of that, and my work, I should be pretty busy for a while.
I still don't know what direction my relationship with Philip is going to take. I went to his house the other night, after almost a month and a half of not having seen him. Nothing was actually resolved, of course. I'm still as confused as ever.
Ideally? He'd get over himself and out of his own head and just set down the baggage he's clinging so desperately to. He'd realize that it's not a good idea to let me slip through his fingers because of his stubbornness. He'd get over his commitment issues and hand over his heart, because he already knows that I'd cherish it. But that's wishful thinking, right?
We spent New Years together and it was an emotional rollercoaster for me. It was wonderful being with him, it was wonderful seeing all of the friends I have made over the course of our relationship. But it was hard having someone pull me aside every five minutes and tell me how much they love me. Every time, I wanted to respond, "Thank you, I just wish he felt the same way," but all I could do was let the fact that he and I are no longer together settle in even more.
It's fucking hard.
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Back In The Saddle, Again
Okay, so quick update before it's time to get ready for work.
I did it. I went and saw my old boss and I'm already back on the schedule for August. I put in my two weeks' notice at work and am counting down the hours and minutes until I will never have to see that place again. (As I write this I realize I need to write my resignation letter. HR isn't in until Monday though so I have some time.)
Come August I will be back in the midst of the chaos and couldn't be happier. That chaos is where I belong, in the middle of that big, dysfunctional yet loving family of photographers. You can't kill the creative side of your brain. I tried, twice, and failed. So I'm just going to go with it.
I have started writing for real. I have pages and pages coming together and it's blowing my mind. Granted, I'm somewhat all over the place right now, but it's just the beginning and we all have to start somewhere. The fluidity of the pace at which I am writing is astounding, when last year I couldn't get a paragraph done. I realized that when it comes to writing, get it out and then worry about structure. I had tried outlines, creating characters and organizational thinking to no avail. It wasn't until I said screw it and just started going with whatever was in my head at the moment that it all started coming together. The characters will build themselves. The story line will be under construction until the last sentence is written. But my main focus is that whatever this turns into - whether it ends up a short story or a novel - will be something people will want to read. It will be something they can relate to. It will be interesting. It will be heart wrenching. It will be heartwarming, it will be uplifting, it will be funny, it will be sexy. It will be my life, or whatever I choose to make it, on paper. Because trust me kids, my trips around the sun have been far from boring.
I did it. I went and saw my old boss and I'm already back on the schedule for August. I put in my two weeks' notice at work and am counting down the hours and minutes until I will never have to see that place again. (As I write this I realize I need to write my resignation letter. HR isn't in until Monday though so I have some time.)
Come August I will be back in the midst of the chaos and couldn't be happier. That chaos is where I belong, in the middle of that big, dysfunctional yet loving family of photographers. You can't kill the creative side of your brain. I tried, twice, and failed. So I'm just going to go with it.
I have started writing for real. I have pages and pages coming together and it's blowing my mind. Granted, I'm somewhat all over the place right now, but it's just the beginning and we all have to start somewhere. The fluidity of the pace at which I am writing is astounding, when last year I couldn't get a paragraph done. I realized that when it comes to writing, get it out and then worry about structure. I had tried outlines, creating characters and organizational thinking to no avail. It wasn't until I said screw it and just started going with whatever was in my head at the moment that it all started coming together. The characters will build themselves. The story line will be under construction until the last sentence is written. But my main focus is that whatever this turns into - whether it ends up a short story or a novel - will be something people will want to read. It will be something they can relate to. It will be interesting. It will be heart wrenching. It will be heartwarming, it will be uplifting, it will be funny, it will be sexy. It will be my life, or whatever I choose to make it, on paper. Because trust me kids, my trips around the sun have been far from boring.
My Continuing Pursuit of Happiness
As most of you know, I've been diligently spending the last year making positive changes in my life in order to be ready to take over the world mentally and physically when I turn 30. I'm proud of my progress and dedication, and things are finally falling into place. Why am I so proud? Because I've never really taken the initiative to buckle down and make serious changes in my life. I've always just let things run their course without making my own difference. "Either you're a part of the problem or you're a part of the solution." Well, this time I've decided to be a part of the solution and do everything in my power to change the things about myself and my life that I don't like. This chapter has begun with a new relationship, new mind, new job, and new body. Let's do a quick recap of the chain reaction of events that have brought to where I am right now.
It truly all started the day I walked out of Buzzard's life and simultaneously banished him from mine last April. That was one of the first steps I took to get my head clear. I couldn't do it with a buzzard circling above me, waiting to prey on my fragile heart and soul, and now it's gone. I stood by my guns and kept him at arms' length. Today when I get a text from concerning anything other than a "Hey, how are you?" I don't even bother to respond. I can honestly say I am finally free from the grasp of his talons. Standing firm in my decision to not let him get to me anymore has opened my heart to accept love I know I deserve. The other night Philip said the words I've been waiting to hear - "You've been the only one for a while now, and I'd like to keep it that way." Well, damn, baby, so would I! We are now exclusive and to quote 311 - my heart sings when I think of him. I get a big goofy smile on my face when I think about being all his and he being all mine. We are good for and good to each other. I could go on but I won't bore you all with details. Well, maybe in another post later.
I consciously made the decision to keep my outlook on life positive. Sure, some days I still get down and the urge to stay in bed is strong, but I overcome it. I realized, after years of suffering from anxiety and depression that my life is what I make of it and what I do with it. Struggles still plague me every once in a while, but how I decide to handle them is more powerful than the effect they have on me.
My last job was making me miserable, so I buckled down, persevered, and now I have a great new job with a set schedule, benefits, and a 401K. It's a job that challenges me in ways I have dearly missed, with a company I can see a future with. The impact this positive change has had on me is incredible. After the first week, Philip could already tell that my demeanor was happier and not as stressed out like he was used to.
I've made it a point to continue to get into better shape and eat healthier. My body has changed drastically over the last four years and I want to keep it up - for myself and no one else. I've been a dedicated member of a gym since last November and I make it a point to go, at the very least, three times a week. I've been weight training and running between four and six miles on the elliptical and just recently started noticing the benefits - my arms and legs (and even my belly!) are toning up and I'm not winded when I run up three flights of stairs.
Since I managed to get an exercise routine down, I took it to the next level and started counting calories. I realized that was the only way I was going to learn to eat better and shed this belly of mine that makes me self conscious. Let me tell you, it is not easy. But it's easier than balancing a budget for sure. I started using the LoseIt! app on my cell phone, logging everything I eat and any exercise I do each day. The main benefit of this app is getting a visual of how good (or bad) the food and beverages I consume are for me. I'm sticking to a 1400 calorie per day budget in order to drop 20 pounds by mid June. Extreme? A little. But I have the mentality that I can do it. Am I denying myself little pleasures like beer and chocolate? Hell no. I weighed myself yesterday and have lost 4 pounds since March 29th.
So this is where I am in my life right now and I wanted to share it with you. After enduring nothing but pain and darkness for so long, I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than ever before. I know my father is beaming down from Heaven with pride.
It truly all started the day I walked out of Buzzard's life and simultaneously banished him from mine last April. That was one of the first steps I took to get my head clear. I couldn't do it with a buzzard circling above me, waiting to prey on my fragile heart and soul, and now it's gone. I stood by my guns and kept him at arms' length. Today when I get a text from concerning anything other than a "Hey, how are you?" I don't even bother to respond. I can honestly say I am finally free from the grasp of his talons. Standing firm in my decision to not let him get to me anymore has opened my heart to accept love I know I deserve. The other night Philip said the words I've been waiting to hear - "You've been the only one for a while now, and I'd like to keep it that way." Well, damn, baby, so would I! We are now exclusive and to quote 311 - my heart sings when I think of him. I get a big goofy smile on my face when I think about being all his and he being all mine. We are good for and good to each other. I could go on but I won't bore you all with details. Well, maybe in another post later.
I consciously made the decision to keep my outlook on life positive. Sure, some days I still get down and the urge to stay in bed is strong, but I overcome it. I realized, after years of suffering from anxiety and depression that my life is what I make of it and what I do with it. Struggles still plague me every once in a while, but how I decide to handle them is more powerful than the effect they have on me.
My last job was making me miserable, so I buckled down, persevered, and now I have a great new job with a set schedule, benefits, and a 401K. It's a job that challenges me in ways I have dearly missed, with a company I can see a future with. The impact this positive change has had on me is incredible. After the first week, Philip could already tell that my demeanor was happier and not as stressed out like he was used to.
I've made it a point to continue to get into better shape and eat healthier. My body has changed drastically over the last four years and I want to keep it up - for myself and no one else. I've been a dedicated member of a gym since last November and I make it a point to go, at the very least, three times a week. I've been weight training and running between four and six miles on the elliptical and just recently started noticing the benefits - my arms and legs (and even my belly!) are toning up and I'm not winded when I run up three flights of stairs.
Since I managed to get an exercise routine down, I took it to the next level and started counting calories. I realized that was the only way I was going to learn to eat better and shed this belly of mine that makes me self conscious. Let me tell you, it is not easy. But it's easier than balancing a budget for sure. I started using the LoseIt! app on my cell phone, logging everything I eat and any exercise I do each day. The main benefit of this app is getting a visual of how good (or bad) the food and beverages I consume are for me. I'm sticking to a 1400 calorie per day budget in order to drop 20 pounds by mid June. Extreme? A little. But I have the mentality that I can do it. Am I denying myself little pleasures like beer and chocolate? Hell no. I weighed myself yesterday and have lost 4 pounds since March 29th.
So this is where I am in my life right now and I wanted to share it with you. After enduring nothing but pain and darkness for so long, I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than ever before. I know my father is beaming down from Heaven with pride.
It's March Already?
We are about 3 and a half months into 2013 and what a year it's been already. I'm feeling the need to do a quick recap so let's run down the list.
- I have embarked on a new career.
Monday I started my new job. So far so good. I'm catching on quickly and the boss said I did an excellent job my first day and it proved he made a good decision when he hired me. (Yes, I "squee'd" inside when he told me that.) You all know I had been incredibly frustrated with my career as a photographer and needed a change, and it's finally beginning. (See Perseverance Pays Off - 2/19/13.) - I went skiing for the first time in almost 15 years.
Philip and his friends took me to the Poconos on February 24th and it was the perfect way to pay tribute to my father. He and my mother taught my brother and I to ski when we were little and it was a passion we shared as a family. - Two years have gone by since my father passed away.
I can't believe it's been this long. Like my mother said, time does not heal, it just forces us to adapt, and we are still adapting to life without Pop around. - We had the 2nd annual Mid Winter Classic in Ocean City, NJ.
Last year my brother and sister in law started a new tradition, weekend-ing in Ocean City during the month of February because, well, there's not much to do between Christmas and Memorial Day. It started out as a sort of reunion for the bridal party from their wedding and has evolved (or de-volved,) to include other friends and family members. We average about 14 people crammed into my sister in law's parents' beach house - Friday night staying in drinking and playing games; Saturday night we venture into Atlantic City for a night of dancing and/or gambling. Philip came with me this year and let's just say a great time was had by all. - I had the opportunity to be a part of the 311 Caribbean Cruise 2013.
I barely have the words to describe the sheer awesome-ness of this experience still, and I've been back from Miami since last week. I will detail this adventure in a post all its own. - My relationship with Philip has been tested and I'm pretty sure we passed with flying colors.
We are still moving along, doing our thing with no real definition. I was planning on laying it on the line for him when I got back from the cruise, but a big part of me is hesitant to mess with a good thing. Not being too concerned about it is a big thing for me, it is what it is and I can say with confidence that we both know where it's headed, and I'm content.
Wait, Am I Seeing the Sun Come Through?
I have officially been rejected from every job I applied for during the month of January. But I accepted that and pushed on. Last Thursday I sat down at the computer and started all over again. Within minutes of submitting an application and my resume to a pharmaceutical company in Swedesboro, NJ, I received an email from their hiring specialist requesting a phone interview. Yes! Please call me! The woman was very nice and it went really well. It didn't feel like an interview - it was as if we were just chatting about my past and current work experience, my qualifications and what the job entails, as opposed to being grilled by a potential employer.
I went in for a face to face interview on Tuesday and it went better than I could have ever expected. I was confident without being cocky, inquisitive without being overly talkative and, most importantly, I felt relaxed in this company's environment. I took a computer skills assessment and then spoke with the man who would be my boss if I am to be hired, and I liked him. He came off as by-the-rules, strict-yet-fair supervisor. We chatted, laughed, discussed the position at length and...I really want this job.
I've worked both in retail and in-patient hospital pharmacies and I loved both of those jobs. It's something I feel comfortable doing and gives me a sense of being productive and a sense of fulfillment at the end of the day. This job is a full time position that comes with benefits, a 401k, and paid time off. Paid time off?! What IS that?! What sealed the deal for me and pushed my desire for this job through the roof is that there is opportunity for me to move my way up the rungs of this company's ladder. That's one of my requirements for whatever job comes my way. I want to be able to make something of myself and know that I'm not "stuck" in the position I get hired for. What stands out in my mind is when the head pharmacist of the dispensing lab said, "If you want it and it shows, people here notice."
So my fingers are crossed. I am incredibly happy with how the interview went and have put it in God's hands. There's a reason I wasn't called for interviews with other jobs I applied for. There's a reason I didn't get hired from my last interview. I'm hoping this is the job that was waiting for me.
On a side note, that evening I went to bingo night at the VFW and won $80. I have never won at games involving luck and/or chance. (Hence why I don't gamble.) I can't deny that I took that as a sign.
I went in for a face to face interview on Tuesday and it went better than I could have ever expected. I was confident without being cocky, inquisitive without being overly talkative and, most importantly, I felt relaxed in this company's environment. I took a computer skills assessment and then spoke with the man who would be my boss if I am to be hired, and I liked him. He came off as by-the-rules, strict-yet-fair supervisor. We chatted, laughed, discussed the position at length and...I really want this job.
I've worked both in retail and in-patient hospital pharmacies and I loved both of those jobs. It's something I feel comfortable doing and gives me a sense of being productive and a sense of fulfillment at the end of the day. This job is a full time position that comes with benefits, a 401k, and paid time off. Paid time off?! What IS that?! What sealed the deal for me and pushed my desire for this job through the roof is that there is opportunity for me to move my way up the rungs of this company's ladder. That's one of my requirements for whatever job comes my way. I want to be able to make something of myself and know that I'm not "stuck" in the position I get hired for. What stands out in my mind is when the head pharmacist of the dispensing lab said, "If you want it and it shows, people here notice."
So my fingers are crossed. I am incredibly happy with how the interview went and have put it in God's hands. There's a reason I wasn't called for interviews with other jobs I applied for. There's a reason I didn't get hired from my last interview. I'm hoping this is the job that was waiting for me.
On a side note, that evening I went to bingo night at the VFW and won $80. I have never won at games involving luck and/or chance. (Hence why I don't gamble.) I can't deny that I took that as a sign.
As Of Late...
I haven't been posting a lot, mostly because work is kicking my ass. But that's a good thing because it's keeping me super busy. So is life in general and I don't want that to stop. We all know an idle mind is the devil's playground.
Oh, I have to be in Seaford at 6 am? No big deal, nothing is going to stop me from going to see The Dirty Pearls open for Bret Michaels at Moodswing on a Tuesday night. So glad I went, because the boys were fantastic, performing songs from their new album Whether You Like It Or Not. The place was packed with hair metal fans young and old sporting their delightfully trashy 80s gear. My friend Jay pointed out that I was five years when he was going to see Poison live.
We recently celebrated Ma's 56th birthday and let me tell you, cooking for twelve people takes some planning. It was wonderful - my uncle Anthony and two of his kids were in town, Aunt Mare and Uncle Bob, Ma's best friend and her husband, my brother and his family, Ma and myself all enjoyed the three pounds of lobster macaroni and cheese I labored over. Damn was it good. I can chalk that dinner up to another culinary success.
My monthly free styling has dwindled because life has become nonstop go, go, go. I'm going to make a conscious effort to remedy that though. I read somewhere that if you want to be a writer, then write everyday. It doesn't matter if it's two sentences or two hundred. Now when something brilliant comes to me I'm typically cruising down the highway on my way to some town a hundred miles away. The Notes app on my new iPhone is coming in handy. Plus I've been splitting my time between home and Parkesburg and I don't always bring my laptop with me.
Now it's time to go get dressed, Jay and I are going to see Mr. Greengenes play up in Aston. Apparently we've begun following them on the last leg of their career as one of the greatest local cover bands. (Although I really wish I was in Chicago right now gearing up for The Last Vegas's album release party at the Double Door. But I guess I can't do everything.) *Kisses*
Oh, I have to be in Seaford at 6 am? No big deal, nothing is going to stop me from going to see The Dirty Pearls open for Bret Michaels at Moodswing on a Tuesday night. So glad I went, because the boys were fantastic, performing songs from their new album Whether You Like It Or Not. The place was packed with hair metal fans young and old sporting their delightfully trashy 80s gear. My friend Jay pointed out that I was five years when he was going to see Poison live. |
| I think Tommy London likes me! |
 |
| Tommy Mokas, lead guitarist from The Dirty Pearls. |
My monthly free styling has dwindled because life has become nonstop go, go, go. I'm going to make a conscious effort to remedy that though. I read somewhere that if you want to be a writer, then write everyday. It doesn't matter if it's two sentences or two hundred. Now when something brilliant comes to me I'm typically cruising down the highway on my way to some town a hundred miles away. The Notes app on my new iPhone is coming in handy. Plus I've been splitting my time between home and Parkesburg and I don't always bring my laptop with me.
Now it's time to go get dressed, Jay and I are going to see Mr. Greengenes play up in Aston. Apparently we've begun following them on the last leg of their career as one of the greatest local cover bands. (Although I really wish I was in Chicago right now gearing up for The Last Vegas's album release party at the Double Door. But I guess I can't do everything.) *Kisses*
Two Years Later... (From June 26, 2012)
My depression got worse before it finally got better.
I've lost touch with the D/s world and am okay with that.
Still a rock & roll junkie.
Still a bit trashy, but I've learned there's a time and place for it.
Like heavy metal music festivals.
Still a broke bitch but my finances are now in much better shape, so instead of broke let's call it "frugal."
I'm not over Buzzard yet, I wasn't when I wrote it two years ago, but I have moved on and will not let myself look back. I can't ever let him back into my life this time around. Ever.
I've lost even more weight.
And there's more gray hair throughout this mane of mine.
I no longer need contacts or glasses to see.
Cultivated more new friendships and let go of ones that faded away without remorse, animosity, or regret.
Still have the same job, going on year seven.
My nephew has taken to calling me Na-Na.
The car is paid off.
I have health insurance.
Nine tattoos instead of eight.
The revolving door my bed used to be is no longer in service.
Aka - I'm learning to respect and love myself.
Still in tune with my sexuality but I yearn for something with substance.
I've been to Las Vegas for 3-11 Day and had the time of my life.
My mother and I are as close as ever.
Same goes for my brother and I.
I am fatherless now; mine has gone on to Heaven.
Attempting to grasp the fact that life is about the right-here-right-now, not the what-ifs, would-ofs, or should-ofs, or even the what-wills of the future. It's about right now.
More Updates
- My Mama will never have to give up her home. The black cloud that hung over this 4 bedroom colonial that she has made her home with her blood, sweat and tears, (a bit of mine as well,) is gone.
- Mine and Buzzard's relationship has reached some form of normalcy, if one can call it that. He's been very supportive these past few months, letting me vent and cry to him about my Pop. I've gotten over my disgust for the way things were going between us; it's almost like we've come to a truce. I can text him in the middle of the night when I'm lying on the floor in tears, and I can text him at 9 in the morning if I'm horny and need cigarettes. I still can't let myself fall like I did all those years ago, but right now, he's all I've got.
- Drugstore Cowboy broke my fucking heart. I think the worst part was the disappointment that came with it. I put him on too high of a pedestal with expectations that he failed miserably to meet. I fell under the spell of his cock and became addicted to the whatever drug it was that emanated from his skin. I came to believe he was more of a man than he ended up being in the end. It's his loss, right? But fuck am I going to miss the late night rendezvous with him in my bed, his bed, someone else's bed, the swimming pool...fuck.
- My nephew is growing up so fast! He's walking, forming words, and is an eating machine. He has been the light of our lives, especially since losing Pop.
- Maybe I'm maturing, maybe I'm not, but the one night stands have considerably come to a halt, and I've even unconsciously cut off a few of the stand-bys, friends-with-benefits if you will. I don't know why, maybe it's because I've become lazy, and if you can't be at my house within 20 minutes and vice versa, it's not worth it to me anymore.
So That My Kids Have A Place To Call MomMom's
Ma just ran next door to fax her 2009 tax return over to the mortgage company. This is one of the million other things she's had to do since filing for a loan remodification. For the second time.
Last October she applied for help through one of Obama's programs designed to help people refinance their mortgages so they can afford to stay in their homes. Thousands of people got screwed over by shitty mortgage companies by unknowingly signing over their lives to loans that inevitably end in inammitorization. (The interest keeps going up, the principle keeps going down, and you end up owing more over time than the house is even worth.) I'm not going to get into the long, drawn out story of how my mother got involved in one of these scams, let's just say my father makes lousy business decisions and Ma is now suffering because she was married to him for 25 years. I will also not go into detail about how much shit she has had to do when it comes to applying for any kind of help to get this fucked up mortgage back in check. Discovering the meaning of life or climbing Mount Everest would be easier. Trust me.
The first time she applied for refinancing, she was rejected. Here is why:
MY MOTHER HAS PERFECT CREDIT. ALL OF HER BILLS, INCLUDING THE ASTRONOMICAL MORTGAGE PAYMENT, ARE CURRENT. WE HAVE LEARNED THAT ONE MUST DEFAULT AND EITHER ENTER A SHORT-SALE OF THEIR HOME OR HAVE THE BANK FORECLOSE ON IT BEFORE THEY WILL EVEN BE CONSIDERED FOR A LOAN MODIFICATION.
The government will not help those who obey the laws, those who pay their bills on time, or those who have worked hard their entire lives to create and keep a home for their family. Because, you know, my mother isn't some crackhead that keeps popping out babies, she's not unemployed, she's not looking for hand outs. But because her and my father are now divorced and she wants to sever any financial ties completely with him, she can't afford the mortgage payments on her own. I do what I can to help, giving her money for the electric or water bills, or writing her a check if something breaks, (read: if I break something.) Half of the mortgage payment would be an entire paycheck for me, and I don't ask for help with any of my own bills.
So, in other words, you have to be a real fuck-up before someone will help you. My mother would like to avoid fucking up her credit and losing her house. But the government won't help you until you have become totally destitute, and even then, your chances of any kind of break? Are slim to none.
We might be able to make it if I just give in and start robbing banks or selling drugs and/or my body. Because honestly? It's getting to the point where I would seriously consider doing any of those things just to give my mama some relief. And maybe if I do end up a junkie whore with ten kids, one of us could get some fucking help.
Last October she applied for help through one of Obama's programs designed to help people refinance their mortgages so they can afford to stay in their homes. Thousands of people got screwed over by shitty mortgage companies by unknowingly signing over their lives to loans that inevitably end in inammitorization. (The interest keeps going up, the principle keeps going down, and you end up owing more over time than the house is even worth.) I'm not going to get into the long, drawn out story of how my mother got involved in one of these scams, let's just say my father makes lousy business decisions and Ma is now suffering because she was married to him for 25 years. I will also not go into detail about how much shit she has had to do when it comes to applying for any kind of help to get this fucked up mortgage back in check. Discovering the meaning of life or climbing Mount Everest would be easier. Trust me.
The first time she applied for refinancing, she was rejected. Here is why:
MY MOTHER HAS PERFECT CREDIT. ALL OF HER BILLS, INCLUDING THE ASTRONOMICAL MORTGAGE PAYMENT, ARE CURRENT. WE HAVE LEARNED THAT ONE MUST DEFAULT AND EITHER ENTER A SHORT-SALE OF THEIR HOME OR HAVE THE BANK FORECLOSE ON IT BEFORE THEY WILL EVEN BE CONSIDERED FOR A LOAN MODIFICATION.
The government will not help those who obey the laws, those who pay their bills on time, or those who have worked hard their entire lives to create and keep a home for their family. Because, you know, my mother isn't some crackhead that keeps popping out babies, she's not unemployed, she's not looking for hand outs. But because her and my father are now divorced and she wants to sever any financial ties completely with him, she can't afford the mortgage payments on her own. I do what I can to help, giving her money for the electric or water bills, or writing her a check if something breaks, (read: if I break something.) Half of the mortgage payment would be an entire paycheck for me, and I don't ask for help with any of my own bills.
So, in other words, you have to be a real fuck-up before someone will help you. My mother would like to avoid fucking up her credit and losing her house. But the government won't help you until you have become totally destitute, and even then, your chances of any kind of break? Are slim to none.
We might be able to make it if I just give in and start robbing banks or selling drugs and/or my body. Because honestly? It's getting to the point where I would seriously consider doing any of those things just to give my mama some relief. And maybe if I do end up a junkie whore with ten kids, one of us could get some fucking help.
I'm Back!
I'm going to get back into updating this thing. Stupid Tumblr has to be awesome and take up most of the time I spend on the damn computer. Oh yeah, and then there's life, too.
Currently,
-Ma and I are still in the house. It's still rocky and a little uncertain, but we're still here, and I believe in my heart she's not going anywhere. I will fuck someone's day up if they try to make her. Seriously. I will fuck their day UP.
-I've severed my ties with my father, for the most part. I see him at family functions, but I've moved on from trying to sustain a relationship. I was given the responsibility of closing down the shop over the summer when he started his new job. The last straw was having a contractor try to rip me a new asshole because of my father's actions. Nothing like telling a guy you don't even know that what your father does is no longer any of your business, you don't give a shit, and to please fuck off with tears rolling down your face. After that episode I calmly but firmly told my father that I was walking away from the business, that I don't care what he does in his spare time, I don't care anymore if he's drinking, and I did not appreciate getting bitched at as a result of his actions. That was that and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
-As for the other toxic man in my life, the infamous Buzzard, all ties have been severed with him as well and Holy fuck it's like I can breathe again! We haven't spoken since the 4th of July. To this day I don't know why, but I do know that I am SO much better off.
But I do love the fact that I'm still fucking one of his friends, unbeknownst to Buzzard of course, and his cousin and I are talking again.
-Work is going really well and I am kicking serious ass.
-I have found a wonderful friend in Andy, my road dog, my sidekick, my partner-in-crime. And Tyler. The three of us are the ultimate, most entertaining Shit Show of Wilmington.
-My nephew is growing up SO fast! He just turned a year old and he's walking and talking and seriously? The most beautiful baby. Ever. No doubt about it.
-Yeah, I still sleep around like it's my job, (sometimes I wish it were because I'd be making serious loot and maybe actually pay off my student loans before I die,) but it's all in good fun.
So hopefully I can manage to keep this blog fresh, as I've been tweaking my writing style, and for anyone who actually does take the time to read it, thanks. I hope you continue to enjoy.
Love,
Dane
Currently,
-Ma and I are still in the house. It's still rocky and a little uncertain, but we're still here, and I believe in my heart she's not going anywhere. I will fuck someone's day up if they try to make her. Seriously. I will fuck their day UP.
-I've severed my ties with my father, for the most part. I see him at family functions, but I've moved on from trying to sustain a relationship. I was given the responsibility of closing down the shop over the summer when he started his new job. The last straw was having a contractor try to rip me a new asshole because of my father's actions. Nothing like telling a guy you don't even know that what your father does is no longer any of your business, you don't give a shit, and to please fuck off with tears rolling down your face. After that episode I calmly but firmly told my father that I was walking away from the business, that I don't care what he does in his spare time, I don't care anymore if he's drinking, and I did not appreciate getting bitched at as a result of his actions. That was that and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
-As for the other toxic man in my life, the infamous Buzzard, all ties have been severed with him as well and Holy fuck it's like I can breathe again! We haven't spoken since the 4th of July. To this day I don't know why, but I do know that I am SO much better off.
But I do love the fact that I'm still fucking one of his friends, unbeknownst to Buzzard of course, and his cousin and I are talking again.
-Work is going really well and I am kicking serious ass.
-I have found a wonderful friend in Andy, my road dog, my sidekick, my partner-in-crime. And Tyler. The three of us are the ultimate, most entertaining Shit Show of Wilmington.
-My nephew is growing up SO fast! He just turned a year old and he's walking and talking and seriously? The most beautiful baby. Ever. No doubt about it.
-Yeah, I still sleep around like it's my job, (sometimes I wish it were because I'd be making serious loot and maybe actually pay off my student loans before I die,) but it's all in good fun.
So hopefully I can manage to keep this blog fresh, as I've been tweaking my writing style, and for anyone who actually does take the time to read it, thanks. I hope you continue to enjoy.
Love,
Dane
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