As most of you know, I've been diligently spending the last year making positive changes in my life in order to be ready to take over the world mentally and physically when I turn 30. I'm proud of my progress and dedication, and things are finally falling into place. Why am I so proud? Because I've never really taken the initiative to buckle down and make serious changes in my life. I've always just let things run their course without making my own difference. "Either you're a part of the problem or you're a part of the solution." Well, this time I've decided to be a part of the solution and do everything in my power to change the things about myself and my life that I don't like. This chapter has begun with a new relationship, new mind, new job, and new body. Let's do a quick recap of the chain reaction of events that have brought to where I am right now.
It truly all started the day I walked out of Buzzard's life and simultaneously banished him from mine last April. That was one of the first steps I took to get my head clear. I couldn't do it with a buzzard circling above me, waiting to prey on my fragile heart and soul, and now it's gone. I stood by my guns and kept him at arms' length. Today when I get a text from concerning anything other than a "Hey, how are you?" I don't even bother to respond. I can honestly say I am finally free from the grasp of his talons. Standing firm in my decision to not let him get to me anymore has opened my heart to accept love I know I deserve. The other night Philip said the words I've been waiting to hear - "You've been the only one for a while now, and I'd like to keep it that way." Well, damn, baby, so would I! We are now exclusive and to quote 311 - my heart sings when I think of him. I get a big goofy smile on my face when I think about being all his and he being all mine. We are good for and good to each other. I could go on but I won't bore you all with details. Well, maybe in another post later.
I consciously made the decision to keep my outlook on life positive. Sure, some days I still get down and the urge to stay in bed is strong, but I overcome it. I realized, after years of suffering from anxiety and depression that my life is what I make of it and what I do with it. Struggles still plague me every once in a while, but how I decide to handle them is more powerful than the effect they have on me.
My last job was making me miserable, so I buckled down, persevered, and now I have a great new job with a set schedule, benefits, and a 401K. It's a job that challenges me in ways I have dearly missed, with a company I can see a future with. The impact this positive change has had on me is incredible. After the first week, Philip could already tell that my demeanor was happier and not as stressed out like he was used to.
I've made it a point to continue to get into better shape and eat healthier. My body has changed drastically over the last four years and I want to keep it up - for myself and no one else. I've been a dedicated member of a gym since last November and I make it a point to go, at the very least, three times a week. I've been weight training and running between four and six miles on the elliptical and just recently started noticing the benefits - my arms and legs (and even my belly!) are toning up and I'm not winded when I run up three flights of stairs.
Since I managed to get an exercise routine down, I took it to the next level and started counting calories. I realized that was the only way I was going to learn to eat better and shed this belly of mine that makes me self conscious. Let me tell you, it is not easy. But it's easier than balancing a budget for sure. I started using the LoseIt! app on my cell phone, logging everything I eat and any exercise I do each day. The main benefit of this app is getting a visual of how good (or bad) the food and beverages I consume are for me. I'm sticking to a 1400 calorie per day budget in order to drop 20 pounds by mid June. Extreme? A little. But I have the mentality that I can do it. Am I denying myself little pleasures like beer and chocolate? Hell no. I weighed myself yesterday and have lost 4 pounds since March 29th.
So this is where I am in my life right now and I wanted to share it with you. After enduring nothing but pain and darkness for so long, I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than ever before. I know my father is beaming down from Heaven with pride.
Showing posts with label the Buzzard saga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the Buzzard saga. Show all posts
We'll Call It A Hiccup
Okay so for a minute I thought the buzzard was trying to make his way back home. I've determined that no, he isn't, and even if he was, there's no chance in hell I'd let him. (The latter was always a definite.) The other day we had breakfast and spent the entire afternoon together. I had a hard time reading his thoughts or even his mood. Still couldn't figure out what he wanted with me - if it was anything other than sex, which is always the case with him and something he wasn't going to get.
It's not always an easy lesson to learn that some things never change. I ended up finding out a few days later what he was hiding from me, (I mean, it's not that hard - people talk,) and if I had known then what I know now, I never would have even given him the chance to be sitting across the table from me.
I wanted desperately to call him out on it in the meanest way possible. But that's just not how I roll. Instead, the other night, I went about it in a sneaky way, a way he would be responsive to. Judging from our conversation, he confirmed the little tidbit that I already knew without coming out and saying it. I've known the man for five years and his behavior has become pretty easy for me to predict.
Obviously this cycle seems never ending. Whatever. We all have our vices, and mine just happens to be a tattooed, middle aged, brick shithouse of a biker that found his way into my heart and doesn't seem to want to leave.
I realized something - he won't let me go. I've let him go, I've walked away and stayed away. He isn't capable of it. He always comes back and I have no idea why. If I l can eradicate him from my life and move on, why can't he? I'll never know the answer because he won't come out and tell me what it is about me that keeps him holding on. I mean, come on, it's not like I'm the best lover he's ever had, or even the prettiest one....well, maybe the prettiest...but that's no reason to hold on to something. He won't give me the satisfaction of hearing what every girl wants to hear, the satisfaction of hearing the reasons why he can't let go, something along the lines of "I love you, I can't get you out of my head, you made my life better, you're beautiful, I'm addicted to you, you make me feel safe, I love your company, etc." That kind of shit is too hard for him to say out loud.
Regardless, I erased the text messages and phone calls from the past few weeks. Don't try to come back into my life only to have me discover you kicked one psycho out of your house and promptly let another one move in. You really think I'm that stupid? No wonder he didn't want to go home after breakfast that day. If I had some piece of trash taking advantage of me and living in my home with her deadbeat son, I wouldn't want to go back there either. All of those adages are applicable here - don't shit where you eat, you made your bed, now you have to lie in it...on and on.
I never put his number back into my contacts and it's not memorized. (Thank goodness for these days of not having to memorize them because of the convenience of cell phones.) So we'll call it a hiccup. They happen, it's all in how we handle them, and this time I'm patting myself on the back for doing such a good job.
It's not always an easy lesson to learn that some things never change. I ended up finding out a few days later what he was hiding from me, (I mean, it's not that hard - people talk,) and if I had known then what I know now, I never would have even given him the chance to be sitting across the table from me.
I wanted desperately to call him out on it in the meanest way possible. But that's just not how I roll. Instead, the other night, I went about it in a sneaky way, a way he would be responsive to. Judging from our conversation, he confirmed the little tidbit that I already knew without coming out and saying it. I've known the man for five years and his behavior has become pretty easy for me to predict.
Obviously this cycle seems never ending. Whatever. We all have our vices, and mine just happens to be a tattooed, middle aged, brick shithouse of a biker that found his way into my heart and doesn't seem to want to leave.
I realized something - he won't let me go. I've let him go, I've walked away and stayed away. He isn't capable of it. He always comes back and I have no idea why. If I l can eradicate him from my life and move on, why can't he? I'll never know the answer because he won't come out and tell me what it is about me that keeps him holding on. I mean, come on, it's not like I'm the best lover he's ever had, or even the prettiest one....well, maybe the prettiest...but that's no reason to hold on to something. He won't give me the satisfaction of hearing what every girl wants to hear, the satisfaction of hearing the reasons why he can't let go, something along the lines of "I love you, I can't get you out of my head, you made my life better, you're beautiful, I'm addicted to you, you make me feel safe, I love your company, etc." That kind of shit is too hard for him to say out loud.
Regardless, I erased the text messages and phone calls from the past few weeks. Don't try to come back into my life only to have me discover you kicked one psycho out of your house and promptly let another one move in. You really think I'm that stupid? No wonder he didn't want to go home after breakfast that day. If I had some piece of trash taking advantage of me and living in my home with her deadbeat son, I wouldn't want to go back there either. All of those adages are applicable here - don't shit where you eat, you made your bed, now you have to lie in it...on and on.
I never put his number back into my contacts and it's not memorized. (Thank goodness for these days of not having to memorize them because of the convenience of cell phones.) So we'll call it a hiccup. They happen, it's all in how we handle them, and this time I'm patting myself on the back for doing such a good job.
Has the Buzzard Come Back To Roost?
I don't know if buzzards actually "roost," but the phrase seems appropriate.
When I got into my car after work one day a few weeks ago I looked at my phone and saw a text message - Hey how have you been - from an unsaved number. But I knew all too well who it was - it was that monster from my past, the one I thought I had abolished from my life. Second time in a week. I waited a half an hour to text him back, finally deciding that it was possible for me to be grown up about it. "I'm good how about you?" He immediately texted back. "Call me."
When I got into my car after work one day a few weeks ago I looked at my phone and saw a text message - Hey how have you been - from an unsaved number. But I knew all too well who it was - it was that monster from my past, the one I thought I had abolished from my life. Second time in a week. I waited a half an hour to text him back, finally deciding that it was possible for me to be grown up about it. "I'm good how about you?" He immediately texted back. "Call me."
I restrained from giving him the response I was really thinking.
Ugh! Why?? What do you want from me? I haven't seen or had contact with you since the beginning of the summer. You destroyed me beyond recognition and I finally wised up, walked away, and rebuilt my life! Remember how I said I didn't want your bullshit and I don't need it, so fuck you?? I meant that! Why do you feel the need to contact me now? Because you're lonely? Because you fucked up and are just now realizing it?
I switched on my blue tooth and did it. I called the bastard. Why not? I'm a big girl now and he can't hurt me anymore. I'm strong enough to not get sucked back into his twisted world. He asked how I was and what was new, we bullshitted for a bit and he asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. I didn't have any plans and it was still early so I figured why the hell not, let's see what the bastard really wants.
"Where should we go? I'm banned from Cheney's...something happened with the club...I'm not even sure what, I wasn't involved..."
(Yeah, right, I'm sure you were right there in the middle of whatever it was. And if Cheney's can ban you shitheads why can't Murph's? I know and like the owners and don't want you around them.)
We ended up meeting at a bar down the street from my house, one that - believe it or not - neither of us had been to. We figured it was safe because we wouldn't see anyone we knew. He was concerned about club affiliations I'm sure, but so was I; I didn't need anyone I knew seeing me with him in general.
As I sat in the parking lot waiting for him I wondered what my reaction was going to be when I saw him for the first time in four months. I was surprised that he had called me this soon; I expected at least another couple of months to go by before I heard from him. Deep down, regardless of the fact that I truly didn't care if I had never heard from him again, I knew he wouldn't stay away. But I wouldn't go as far as to say that I was anticipating it.
So what happened when I saw him walk up to the door? Nothing. I watched him from my car for a few seconds; he was the on the phone, looking around for me. Some things never change. Was I nervous? Of course. I was about to have a drink with a man who had been a huge part of my life for four years - a love affair that ended in a bitter and nasty manner. At least on my end.
He didn't look bad. Bummer. I was secretly hoping he looked like hell so I wouldn't feel anything at all, not even a slight tug in the place he used to know so well. But really it made no difference - I didn't feel anything when I saw him.
We went and sat at the bar, he was still on the phone, toting paperwork he had to get finished up. Of course. Let's fill out tax forms and mail motorcycle payments from the bar. No big deal. I was shaking my head every time he wasn't looking. That's one of the things that used to piss me off about him - whenever I expected or needed undivided attention, I never got it. His mind was always somewhere else. It wasn't until the checks were written and envelopes sealed that he fixed his gaze on me. Jesus, it was like looking at a trashy version of Christian Grey, wearing jeans and work boots and covered in tattoos. Minus the red hair. Shudder. I had so much I wanted to spew at him. I wanted to berate him, tear him down and point out every single one of his flaws. That would have taken all night so I decided against it. Instead I played cordial. One word answers. He doesn't need to know I'm seeing someone. He doesn't need to know what I do in my spare time anymore. I'm content with him being oblivious when it comes to my personal life. I in turn asked the general, polite questions, working my way up to what I really wanted to hear from him - how his life has gone to shit since I left. I know all the details already, I just wanted to hear from his own mouth. But he wouldn't grant me that pleasure.
So really all that happened that night was a couple of old friends catching up. We parted ways with a hug and a kiss, and I had the feeling that wouldn't be the last time I saw him...
I was right.
So what happened when I saw him walk up to the door? Nothing. I watched him from my car for a few seconds; he was the on the phone, looking around for me. Some things never change. Was I nervous? Of course. I was about to have a drink with a man who had been a huge part of my life for four years - a love affair that ended in a bitter and nasty manner. At least on my end.
He didn't look bad. Bummer. I was secretly hoping he looked like hell so I wouldn't feel anything at all, not even a slight tug in the place he used to know so well. But really it made no difference - I didn't feel anything when I saw him.
We went and sat at the bar, he was still on the phone, toting paperwork he had to get finished up. Of course. Let's fill out tax forms and mail motorcycle payments from the bar. No big deal. I was shaking my head every time he wasn't looking. That's one of the things that used to piss me off about him - whenever I expected or needed undivided attention, I never got it. His mind was always somewhere else. It wasn't until the checks were written and envelopes sealed that he fixed his gaze on me. Jesus, it was like looking at a trashy version of Christian Grey, wearing jeans and work boots and covered in tattoos. Minus the red hair. Shudder. I had so much I wanted to spew at him. I wanted to berate him, tear him down and point out every single one of his flaws. That would have taken all night so I decided against it. Instead I played cordial. One word answers. He doesn't need to know I'm seeing someone. He doesn't need to know what I do in my spare time anymore. I'm content with him being oblivious when it comes to my personal life. I in turn asked the general, polite questions, working my way up to what I really wanted to hear from him - how his life has gone to shit since I left. I know all the details already, I just wanted to hear from his own mouth. But he wouldn't grant me that pleasure.
So really all that happened that night was a couple of old friends catching up. We parted ways with a hug and a kiss, and I had the feeling that wouldn't be the last time I saw him...
I was right.
Why I'm Glad I Never Became That MC's Girlfriend
This is all speculation from events I have witnessed in the past, things I've been told, observations I have made on my own, and only pertain to one specific person. I am not referring to every MC I know, because I know not all of them are like him.
I was on my way to meet my girl friend for dinner the other night and reasons why I'm relieved that I ended my relationship with someone who became an MC started popping into my head.
Granted, MC or not, he treated me like shit. I've gotten past the heartbreak of leaving him for the most part and it's easy to remember the good times we had together...but sometimes anger still surfaces - at him for being utterly disregarding of how his words and actions affected those around him, and myself for being so deluded about our relationship.
The path he chose is a downward spiral, (not all related to having become an MC, either.) The second I realized I wanted no parts of it - that I have my whole life ahead of me, I have potential to make something of myself, I have love to shower on someone who deserves it and will return it - the darkness, gloom, and anxiety faded away.
"You're right - I am young.
I have my whole life ahead of me.
I don't want your bullshit.
I don't need your bullshit.
FUCK your BULLSHIT."
And I made my point by walking out of his life forever, which was the smartest thing I could have ever done.
So while driving to dinner that night I realized, if I had been that MC's girlfriend, I would not have necessarily been able to have him join my friend and I. It dawned on me just how drastically my life would have changed for the worse and these are my reasons why:
I was on my way to meet my girl friend for dinner the other night and reasons why I'm relieved that I ended my relationship with someone who became an MC started popping into my head.
Granted, MC or not, he treated me like shit. I've gotten past the heartbreak of leaving him for the most part and it's easy to remember the good times we had together...but sometimes anger still surfaces - at him for being utterly disregarding of how his words and actions affected those around him, and myself for being so deluded about our relationship.
The path he chose is a downward spiral, (not all related to having become an MC, either.) The second I realized I wanted no parts of it - that I have my whole life ahead of me, I have potential to make something of myself, I have love to shower on someone who deserves it and will return it - the darkness, gloom, and anxiety faded away.
"You're right - I am young.
I have my whole life ahead of me.
I don't want your bullshit.
I don't need your bullshit.
FUCK your BULLSHIT."
And I made my point by walking out of his life forever, which was the smartest thing I could have ever done.
So while driving to dinner that night I realized, if I had been that MC's girlfriend, I would not have necessarily been able to have him join my friend and I. It dawned on me just how drastically my life would have changed for the worse and these are my reasons why:
- Most well-respected establishments do not permit hard colors. So there would go dinners at high class restaurants, drinks at ritzy bars, even drinks at most dive bars, getting into concerts and shows without being given a hard time, etc.
- I like to flirt, boyfriend or not, and that, God forbid, is not tolerated.
- I would have been blatantly disrespected because he would have run around on me. (Shit, he fucked anything that would let him even when we were seeing each other.) I would never stand for being run around on, because that, as it was explained to me, they are "allowed" to do, and more or less encouraged to. It killed me to see women considered a "girlfriend" overlook it, even go as far to accept it, women who I thought had some sort of self respect. I'm sorry, but when I heard that even his boys consider him a big whore, I thought, "Wow, it has got to be worse than it ever was." *Side note - he and I never claimed exclusivity. I had my own fun behind his back, sometimes even going as far to rub it in his face which, in retrospect, made me no better than him.
- Family functions? Forget it.
- I can just see how life would have become like constantly walking on egg shells. It didn't matter how much fun I had hanging out with a particular group of people. It didn't matter how much I enjoyed flirting with his "brothers," (which apparently was not a big deal because I didn't carry the "girlfriend" title and the boys either respected him or me, or I had managed to make it crystal clear that it was flirting and nothing more, I don't know, I never really could tell.) Why would anyone choose to live their life constantly watching their own back or being responsible for watching someone else's?
- Drama drama drama. Stupid drama. That's all that was ever going on. I was never involved, but I guarantee if I was a girlfriend, I'd be dragged in unwillingly or not. I rolled my eyes behind his back so many times I thought they were going to end up permanently stuck to the back of my lids. Who has time for that shit?
- I would have never known what he was doing, where he was going, or where he was coming from. He hid everything from everyone.
- Word on the street now is that said MC is back to being an addict after several years of sobriety. That's a pill that was quite difficult for me to swallow (pun intended.) As upset as I was when I found out, I have since let it go because a) I have no control over him, and b) He's a grown man that is responsible for his own decisions. In addition to constant worry that he'd disappear for good one day, I'd be worrying about whether or not he was on the bike fucked up, whether or not he was around his kids high out of his mind, fearful of the awful mood swings I had seen from him before, and of course a phone call in the middle of the night telling me that he had OD'ed or waking up to find him dead next to me.
- I am rambunctious, outspoken, and happy-go-lucky for the most part. I never hesitated to call him out, even in front of the boys, but that surely would have changed had I been given the girlfriend title. Why be in a relationship where I can't speak my mind? I did that once already, and once is enough.
- The bullshit would have driven me utterly insane and turned me into someone I'm not. Looking back on it, I can't blame the one girl who whacked her old man upside his head with a frying pan, or the other one who ran her car into her old man's garage door and caused a couple grand's worth of damage. I'm not proud to say that I have no doubt in my mind this guy would have pushed my sanity over the edge and I would have ended up burning his fucking house down, but the level of the mind-fucking game that he plays on probably would have resulted in me being arrested for arson.
Ode to Buzzard - If You Ever Really Loved Me
I wrote this a few months ago, and as far as an update on my tumultuous relationship with Buzzard - it is completely, 100 percent done and finished. It is over. He is no longer a part of my life. Maybe one day I'll go into detail, but I'm still in the grieving process over the death of our relationship. It was ugly, nasty and everything I didn't want it to be, but I am now able to breath, I am able to sleep, I can eat, I can laugh, I no longer have a cloud of doom hanging over my head.
I don't think you really love me.
If you truly loved me, you'd show it.
You'd fight for me instead of pushing me away.
If you truly loved me,
You wouldn't always be keeping your eye out for the next conquest.
If you truly loved me,
You'd realize that sleeping with 100 women doesn't make you a man,
that fighting for one while 99 others are chasing you is what makes you a man.
If you truly loved me, you wouldn't hurt me.
You would put aside whatever "bullshit" you're dealing with
in order to be with me.
I can no longer fight, I have become too weak.
I can't force you to make a decision.
And if you truly loved me,
you wouldn't force me to make the decision to walk away.
So I guess you don't really love me.
If you truly loved me,
you'd step up to the plate and be a fucking man,
you'd be the man I need instead of telling me that you can't be.
Instead you're throwing me away because you're scared.
So I guess you really don't love me.
I can't save you nor do I want to.
You don't need saving.
I hope a part of you dies every time you think about me.
I've told you everything, I've given you everything,
but you don't want it and you've proved that to me.
Because if you wanted it, it wouldn't be this hard.
So I guess you don't really love me.
Through all of this I still believe that love is the strongest force
that propels us as human beings.
You obviously don't feel the same way,
because if you did I wouldn't be lying on the floor
with a broken, bleeding heart
wondering how I am going to survive every fucking minute
of every awful day without you.
So I guess you don't really love me.
I took off the ring and put it away
with all of the other tokens from men who disappointed me.
Just another symbol of failure
to add to my collection.
The Hardest Part Of This Will Be Saying No
The thing that sucks about the fact that my relationship with Buzzard will never be wholly restored is that I can't just call him up at 9:30 in the morning and ask him to bring me a pack of smokes. Or call him up and tell him that I haven't eaten in two days so that he'll take me to get some food.
He's got ulterior motives, and I knew this hadn't changed the second I looked at my phone the other night and saw that he was texting me.
Because, you see, I made the mistake of texting him on the way home from Baltimore the other night while I was still a shit-faced trainwreck. (Thank God Chrissy was driving.)
Him: You texted me the other night do you remember?
Me: Yea I found it the next day.
Him: What's up you ok
Me: I'm fine it was just a moment of weakness and lapse of judgement on my behalf.
(I was 4 Jagerbombs and 4 Bud Lights in at that point, remember.)
Him: Laps [sic] of judgement lol so professional.
Him: What are you doing
Me: Laying in bed.
Him: I'm lying on the couch playing with my cock
Him: R u asleep
Me: No sorry I'm on the other line with Tyler
(I was really talking to my friend, and I named him specifically because I can push Buzzard's buttons just by casually mentioning other males that I interact with, and Buzzard doesn't need to know that my friendship with Tyler is purely platonic.)
Him: Who's Tyler
(Exactly.)
Me: One of my friends
Him: U should cum suck my cock
Me: Really
Me: I want to hot tub
Him: It's not clean right now
Me: :(
Him: Sorry my cock could use you
Me: Where's [your girlfriend]?
Him: Home
Me: Why do you want me to suck your cock
Him: Cause you suck it so good
Me: Mhm
Him: I'm watching porn and rock hard
Me: What else is new
Him: Lol
Him: Do u still like eating cum?
(Seriously? I can't believe you're bringing this kind of shit up, you asshole. But what do I do? I play along, like an asshole.)
Me: You could say that
Him: Well if you hurry you can eat mine
(Ew.)
Me: I just rolled out of bed
It goes back and forth like this for a while, as I keep delaying it, hoping he'll just finish jerking off and stop asking me to come over. Because seriously, I was not going to get out of my pajamas just to go over there and suck his dick. I managed to throw it in his face, that I thought he might actually want to hang out as friends since we haven't seen each other in almost five months, and I received a real-time picture of his dick in response.
I attempted to clear some shit up though -
Me: I'd rather just hang out than suck your cock.
Him: Thats cool too, has to be between us
(??)
Him: Be a good little slut and drink me and go home
Me: (after seething for a good ten minutes) Good to know you still think so highly of me
Him: Of course I do, goes both ways right
(Yeah except if I actually did want to use you for sex, you wouldn't be able to get your dick hard because your emotion towards me is still frighteningly strong.)
Him: I don't think I can wait much longer
Me: I'm not sucking dick unless I get something in return and I still smell like strippers
(I did, I was at a strip club the night before getting wasted and throwing dollar bills at questionable dancers. Good times.)
Him: Lol. What do you want
Me: I dunno
Him: How about one day this week I do some really nasty shit to you, want to?
Me: (after more hesitation and deliberation) Sure what the hell.
He's breaking me down and he doesn't even know it. Or, he does and he doesn't give a shit. I don't know what the fuck I want, a friendship, a fuck-ship, or nothing at all. I spent five months realizing I could breathe again because he was no longer a part of my life. But I am the type of girl who will disregard everything I've told myself and plunge headfirst into a sea of regret.
He's got ulterior motives, and I knew this hadn't changed the second I looked at my phone the other night and saw that he was texting me.
Because, you see, I made the mistake of texting him on the way home from Baltimore the other night while I was still a shit-faced trainwreck. (Thank God Chrissy was driving.)
I hate you because I'm hearing songs that make me think about you and I'm drunk as fuck [sic].Oops. His first response, that came at 4:00 Sunday morning, was "You want my cock [sic]." Ugh. NO. That's not what I meant. But when I discovered on Saturday that I had made the awful mistake of drunk texting him, I knew that was how he was going to take it. I figured it best to just let it be. But he wasn't having that. So we spent all day Sunday afternoon going back and forth:
Him: You texted me the other night do you remember?
Me: Yea I found it the next day.
Him: What's up you ok
Me: I'm fine it was just a moment of weakness and lapse of judgement on my behalf.
(I was 4 Jagerbombs and 4 Bud Lights in at that point, remember.)
Him: Laps [sic] of judgement lol so professional.
Him: What are you doing
Me: Laying in bed.
Him: I'm lying on the couch playing with my cock
Him: R u asleep
Me: No sorry I'm on the other line with Tyler
(I was really talking to my friend, and I named him specifically because I can push Buzzard's buttons just by casually mentioning other males that I interact with, and Buzzard doesn't need to know that my friendship with Tyler is purely platonic.)
Him: Who's Tyler
(Exactly.)
Me: One of my friends
Him: U should cum suck my cock
Me: Really
Me: I want to hot tub
Him: It's not clean right now
Me: :(
Him: Sorry my cock could use you
Me: Where's [your girlfriend]?
Him: Home
Me: Why do you want me to suck your cock
Him: Cause you suck it so good
Me: Mhm
Him: I'm watching porn and rock hard
Me: What else is new
Him: Lol
Him: Do u still like eating cum?
(Seriously? I can't believe you're bringing this kind of shit up, you asshole. But what do I do? I play along, like an asshole.)
Me: You could say that
Him: Well if you hurry you can eat mine
(Ew.)
Me: I just rolled out of bed
It goes back and forth like this for a while, as I keep delaying it, hoping he'll just finish jerking off and stop asking me to come over. Because seriously, I was not going to get out of my pajamas just to go over there and suck his dick. I managed to throw it in his face, that I thought he might actually want to hang out as friends since we haven't seen each other in almost five months, and I received a real-time picture of his dick in response.
I attempted to clear some shit up though -
Me: I'd rather just hang out than suck your cock.
Him: Thats cool too, has to be between us
(??)
Him: Be a good little slut and drink me and go home
Me: (after seething for a good ten minutes) Good to know you still think so highly of me
Him: Of course I do, goes both ways right
(Yeah except if I actually did want to use you for sex, you wouldn't be able to get your dick hard because your emotion towards me is still frighteningly strong.)
Him: I don't think I can wait much longer
Me: I'm not sucking dick unless I get something in return and I still smell like strippers
(I did, I was at a strip club the night before getting wasted and throwing dollar bills at questionable dancers. Good times.)
Him: Lol. What do you want
Me: I dunno
Him: How about one day this week I do some really nasty shit to you, want to?
Me: (after more hesitation and deliberation) Sure what the hell.
He's breaking me down and he doesn't even know it. Or, he does and he doesn't give a shit. I don't know what the fuck I want, a friendship, a fuck-ship, or nothing at all. I spent five months realizing I could breathe again because he was no longer a part of my life. But I am the type of girl who will disregard everything I've told myself and plunge headfirst into a sea of regret.
Oh God, Not Again!
11:30 last night I was laying in bed, attemtpting to fall asleep. I hear my phone beep. Actually, it goes "whoa whoa whoa whoa...", a clip from Above the Clouds by Slightly Stoopid, and it's fucking awesome. I rolled over, figuring my Drugstore Cowboy was hitting me up for a booty call.
IT WAS BUZZARD.
The infamous douchebag that I dated right after I split up with my ex and who fucked my head UP. The "friend" that I haven't spoken to since the fourth of July, for reasons I am still unenlightened about.
Him: "What are you up to, ho?"
Me: "Um, work. Life. Partying. And you?"
Him: "The same. I have a raging hard-on and I'm stroking it right now lol."
Me: "Some things never change. Where's [your girlfriend]?
Him: "Lol I know."
Him: "She's at home."
Him: "I heard you had a train run on you on Halloween."
Me: "What are you talking about? There was no train."
Him: "On you, dork."
Me: "I know what you meant. Just because I was with guys all night doesn't mean I fucked them all."
Me: "Just one."
Him: "Oh ok."
Him: "So when are you gonna suck my cock like a good little whore?"
Me: "Yeah I don't know about that."
It went on a little more; he told me he wanted to see how work was going and how I was doing. Part of me is really fucking pissed that he had the nerve to contact me, and the other part of me is indifferent to it. I don't want to fall back into the same cycle with him. I don't want to start sleeping with him again. He knows how to push all the right buttons. But I've learned how he works over the years and have had time to sharpen my skills. If I do decide to give in, it's not going to be easy for him. I do not have the time nor the energy for his bullshit antics. I refuse to be sucked into his sick little world of sex and mindfucking again.
So until I figure out if he really was just checking up on me or has ulterior motives, I will be struggling with my decision on how to react.
Fuck.
IT WAS BUZZARD.
The infamous douchebag that I dated right after I split up with my ex and who fucked my head UP. The "friend" that I haven't spoken to since the fourth of July, for reasons I am still unenlightened about.
Him: "What are you up to, ho?"
Me: "Um, work. Life. Partying. And you?"
Him: "The same. I have a raging hard-on and I'm stroking it right now lol."
Me: "Some things never change. Where's [your girlfriend]?
Him: "Lol I know."
Him: "She's at home."
Him: "I heard you had a train run on you on Halloween."
Me: "What are you talking about? There was no train."
Him: "On you, dork."
Me: "I know what you meant. Just because I was with guys all night doesn't mean I fucked them all."
Me: "Just one."
Him: "Oh ok."
Him: "So when are you gonna suck my cock like a good little whore?"
Me: "Yeah I don't know about that."
It went on a little more; he told me he wanted to see how work was going and how I was doing. Part of me is really fucking pissed that he had the nerve to contact me, and the other part of me is indifferent to it. I don't want to fall back into the same cycle with him. I don't want to start sleeping with him again. He knows how to push all the right buttons. But I've learned how he works over the years and have had time to sharpen my skills. If I do decide to give in, it's not going to be easy for him. I do not have the time nor the energy for his bullshit antics. I refuse to be sucked into his sick little world of sex and mindfucking again.
So until I figure out if he really was just checking up on me or has ulterior motives, I will be struggling with my decision on how to react.
Fuck.
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