Sometimes There's Nothing More Gorgeous Than A $100 Bill

If money is the root of all evil, then why do I feel like if I just had a little bit more I would be happier?  Maybe because I wouldn't stress so hard over never feeling like I have enough to make ends meet?  I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night with depressing thoughts creeping into my vulnerable, sleep-groggy mind, thoughts that tell me I'll never amount to much because I chose a career that I actually enjoy, that I'll never be able to afford to meet another human's basic needs, (a child's,) because I can barely meet my own, I start to panic about getting older and still not really having it together and I end up feeling utterly desolate, unable to fall back asleep.  
There are times I feel like no matter how much money I squirrel away, something will always happen to make it disappear.  Then I think, how do people do it?  How do they get married, buy houses, and have children when I know they are plagued by the same fears that plague me?  I guess the answer is simple - they just do.  My mother says the same thing.
Things change, people are born, they live, they work, they love, they hate, they work some more, try to live a decent life, and then they die, life goes on.  
It is a simple concept, it's just a really hard one to accept, especially for people like me.
I'm not sitting here bitching and complaining about my awful life, as I sip gourmet coffee (a Christmas gift) in a mug I bought when I went out to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame this past weekend, bundled up in warm clothes with properly running heat.  I unbelievably aware of how lucky and blessed I am to have a roof over my head, don't think for one minute I take anything for granted.
Maybe if I list the ways I've fucked up that I have since worked so hard to remedy, I'll feel a little better about myself?  Let's go.

• Back in 2009 I defaulted so bad on my car loan that my car was repossessed.
• Around the same time the car insurance company became tired of not getting paid and dropped me.
• I lost my health insurance for the same reason.
• I've had to borrow $20 from friends just to put some gas in my car.
• I've defaulted on my school loans.
• My credit card debt was so out of control that I just started ignoring the notices that came in the mail and the phone calls that came every day.
• For months, every bank statement I received had a negative balance.

I used to get so mad at how much the bank took from me every time I was hit with an overdraft charge, because I was trying, I was trying so hard to get back on my feet financially, and I couldn't.  Because it seemed like the bank was taking every dollar I was trying to use to get the credit card, school loan and car loan people off my back.
So let's now look at how I remedied (or at least tried to) all of these problems.

• I got my car back and resumed making the payments on time.  (We'll leave it at that.)
• I did end up driving without car insurance for a good year or two.  I don't condone anyone doing that, but once I was a little more financially stable, I secured myself some affordable insurance and have never missed a payment since.
• Same goes for my health insurance.  I did my best to take care of myself so as not to get sick, I went off birth control for about a year (which is actually recommended for women who are on it for long periods of time.)  And again, once I was back on my feet, I applied for individual coverage that I could afford.
• I called the company associated with my school loans and got back on track with them.  I was able to defer my loans until I was able to start paying them again, and since then have not needed a deference, nor missed a payment.
• I consolidated all of my credit card debt.  I know that's not the best way to handle things, but it was my only hope.  The woman I worked with offered me comfort and solace as I cried to her over the phone, as she pointed out to me that my case was no where near the astronomical ones they typical handle.
• I also stopped wasting money on trivial things like getting my nails done, (which I can do myself,) going out to the bars so often, and packing my lunch for work instead of hitting the Wawa every other day.  (Except for coffee refills of course.)

Once I got my shit together, which I swear only happened by the grace of God and lucrative seasons at work, I finally felt like a worthy human being again.  Now my car and credit cards are paid off, and the only debt I am carrying is my school loans, a very small amount on a credit card and the little bit I still owe on the eye surgery I had in June 2012.  These are the things I am using to reestablish my ruined credit and when I checked recently, it seems to be working.
But that little voice still nags me.  "Sure, you may be relatively back on your feet and supporting yourself, but what about a family?  Don't you want to buy a house one day?  How will you afford a mortgage payment?  Childcare?  College-fucking-tuition?"
Maybe once I realize that it's a never ending cycle, that there will always be things out of my control, I can accept it and just keep moving forward.  This constant feeling of being stuck?  It's getting really old.

My Continuing Pursuit of Happiness

As most of you know, I've been diligently spending the last year making positive changes in my life in order to be ready to take over the world mentally and physically when I turn 30.  I'm proud of my progress and dedication, and things are finally falling into place.  Why am I so proud?  Because I've never really taken the initiative to buckle down and make serious changes in my life.  I've always just let things run their course without making my own difference.  "Either you're a part of the problem or you're a part of the solution."  Well, this time I've decided to be a part of the solution and do everything in my power to change the things about myself and my life that I don't like.  This chapter has begun with a  new relationship, new mind, new job, and new body.  Let's do a quick recap of the chain reaction of events that have brought to where I am right now.

It truly all started the day I walked out of Buzzard's life and simultaneously banished him from mine last April.  That was one of the first steps I took to get my head clear.  I couldn't do it with a buzzard circling above me, waiting to prey on my fragile heart and soul, and now it's gone.  I stood by my guns and kept him at arms' length.  Today when I get a text from concerning anything other than a "Hey, how are you?" I don't even bother to respond.  I can honestly say I am finally free from the grasp of his talons.  Standing firm in my decision to not let him get to me anymore has opened my heart to accept love I know I deserve.  The other night Philip said the words I've been waiting to hear - "You've been the only one for a while now, and I'd like to keep it that way."  Well, damn, baby, so would I!  We are now exclusive and to quote 311 - my heart sings when I think of him.  I get a big goofy smile on my face when I think about being all his and he being all mine.  We are good for and good to each other.  I could go on but I won't bore you all with details.  Well, maybe in another post later.

I consciously made the decision to keep my outlook on life positive.  Sure, some days I still get down and the urge to stay in bed is strong, but I overcome it.  I realized, after years of suffering from anxiety and depression that my life is what I make of it and what I do with it.  Struggles still plague me every once in a while, but how I decide to handle them is more powerful than the effect they have on me.

My last job was making me miserable, so I buckled down, persevered, and now I have a great new job with a set schedule, benefits, and a 401K.  It's a job that challenges me in ways I have dearly missed, with a company I can see a future with.  The impact this positive change has had on me is incredible.  After the first week, Philip could already tell that my demeanor was happier and not as stressed out like he was used to.

I've made it a point to continue to get into better shape and eat healthier.  My body has changed drastically over the last four years and I want to keep it up - for myself and no one else.  I've been a dedicated member of a gym since last November and I make it a point to go, at the very least, three times a week.  I've been weight training and running between four and six miles on the elliptical and just recently started noticing the benefits - my arms and legs (and even my belly!)  are toning up and I'm not winded when I run up three flights of stairs.

Since I managed to get an exercise routine down, I took it to the next level and started counting calories.  I realized that was the only way I was going to learn to eat better and shed this belly of mine that makes me self conscious.  Let me tell you, it is not easy.  But it's easier than balancing a budget for sure.  I started using the LoseIt! app on my cell phone, logging everything I eat and any exercise I do each day.  The main benefit of this app is getting a visual of how good (or bad) the food and beverages I consume are for me.  I'm sticking to a 1400 calorie per day budget in order to drop 20 pounds by mid June.  Extreme?  A little.  But I have the mentality that I can do it.  Am I denying myself little pleasures like beer and chocolate?  Hell no.  I weighed myself yesterday and have lost 4 pounds since March 29th.

So this is where I am in my life right now and I wanted to share it with you.  After enduring nothing but pain and darkness for so long, I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than ever before.  I know my father is beaming down from Heaven with pride.  

Perseverance Pays Off

Well kids, it's official - I start my new job on March 11th!  I got the call Monday night as I was booking my hotel room in Miami Beach and surrounded by family.
It's a big girl job with benefits, a 401k and paid time off.  Never in my life have I enjoyed these kinds of enmities from a job.  My health insurance comes out of my own pocket, I have no retirement fund, and any time off I've needed has come with a price - or no price as in a smaller paycheck.  My entire adult life has been spent working as an independently contracted photographer or as a waitress or for my father at his business or working part time jobs while going to school.

I will still be struggling financially for the next few months but at this point I'm used to it.  And it's a small price to pay considering that I will now be receiving a steady paycheck instead of worrying about how much I'm getting paid this week or that or whether or not I need to file my unemployment claim.  I finally see light at the end of the tunnel and nothing is going to stop me from making my way towards it.

Wait, Am I Seeing the Sun Come Through?

I have officially been rejected from every job I applied for during the month of January.  But I accepted that and pushed on.  Last Thursday I sat down at the computer and started all over again.  Within minutes of submitting an application and my resume to a pharmaceutical company in Swedesboro, NJ, I received an email from their hiring specialist requesting a phone interview.  Yes!  Please call me!  The woman was very nice and it went really well.  It didn't feel like an interview - it was as if we were just chatting about my past and current work experience, my qualifications and what the job entails, as opposed to being grilled by a potential employer.
I went in for a face to face interview on Tuesday and it went better than I could have ever expected.  I was confident without being cocky, inquisitive without being overly talkative and, most importantly, I felt relaxed in this company's environment.  I took a computer skills assessment and then spoke with the man who would be my boss if I am to be hired, and I liked him.  He came off as by-the-rules, strict-yet-fair supervisor.  We chatted, laughed, discussed the position at length and...I really want this job.
I've worked both in retail and in-patient hospital pharmacies and I loved both of those jobs.  It's something I feel comfortable doing and gives me a sense of being productive and a sense of fulfillment at the end of the day.  This job is a full time position that comes with benefits, a 401k, and paid time off.  Paid time off?!  What IS that?!  What sealed the deal for me and pushed my desire for this job through the roof is that there is opportunity for me to move my way up the rungs of this company's ladder.  That's one of my requirements for whatever job comes my way.  I want to be able to make something of myself and know that I'm not "stuck" in the position I get hired for.  What stands out in my mind is when the head pharmacist of the dispensing lab said, "If you want it and it shows, people here notice."
So my fingers are crossed.  I am incredibly happy with how the interview went and have put it in God's hands.  There's a reason I wasn't called for interviews with other jobs I applied for.  There's a reason I didn't get hired from my last interview.  I'm hoping this is the job that was waiting for me.

On a side note, that evening I went to bingo night at the VFW and won $80.  I have never won at games involving luck and/or chance.  (Hence why I don't gamble.)  I can't deny that I took that as a sign.

The Tale of the Dark-Haired Goldilocks

Okay so while driving home from the bar last night, something dawned on me.
If you know anything about me, you might have picked up on the fact that I have been (technically) single for almost five years.  Damn, has it been that long?  So I am accustomed to just doing my own thing.  If I'm in the mood for some dirty, no-strings-attached fun, it's at my fingertips.  If I'm in the mood for some strange, that's not usually hard to find either.  But lately, I haven't been bothered to partake in any of that, and I know why.
There's someone on my mind.  Someone I'd rather be with than my Drugstore Cowboy - you know, the one with the bedroom eyes, or my heavy metal lover - the one who blasted into my life out of nowhere around Memorial Day last summer.
Part of me is okay with this, part of me is terrified.
When I think about it, it's very similar to the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  Except I'm a brunette and we're not talking about beds and porridge, we're talking about relationships.
The Drugstore Cowboy is 25 - too soft around the edges, immature, pretentious, seemingly intimidated by women, only ever calls after midnight and I was usually responsible for getting myself off.  Hey honey, the same two positions have gotten quite boring. 
The Heavy Metal Lover is 44 - a little too rough around the edges, with a been-there-done-that kind of attitude, not interested in relationships because he's run the gauntlet already, and while the sex was always fun and hot, he never really took the time to find out what blew my mind.
But one who is on my mind is 34 and he knows when to be soft and when to be rough, his sense of humor is a good mix of sarcastic and genuine, we share common ground on lots of things, and he takes the time to figure out what gets me off.  More like makes it his mission.  We compliment each other, in and out of the bedroom.  He texts me in the morning with a "Have a good day!" and a kiss.  We do things together.  I spend the night at his house so often that I have a toothbrush in the medicine cabinet and pajamas in his drawer.  I've met all of his friends and his entire family.  He gave me a Cuisinart food processor for Christmas.  There's a jar of Splenda next to his coffeemaker for me.  He constantly tells me how beautiful I am, he can't keep his hands off me, and the feeling is mutual.  He's out of town this weekend and asked if he would be seeing me tomorrow night when he gets back.  He's the one whose porridge is just the right temperature and the bed that is perfect for sleeping in.

Two Years Later... (From June 26, 2012)

My depression got worse before it finally got better.
I've lost touch with the D/s world and am okay with that.
Still a rock & roll junkie.
Still a bit trashy, but I've learned there's a time and place for it.
  Like heavy metal music festivals.
Still a broke bitch but my finances are now in much better shape, so instead of broke let's call it "frugal."
I'm not over Buzzard yet, I wasn't when I wrote it two years ago, but I have moved on and will not let myself look back.  I can't ever let him back into my life this time around.  Ever.  
I've lost even more weight.
And there's more gray hair throughout this mane of mine.
I no longer need contacts or glasses to see.
Cultivated more new friendships and let go of ones that faded away without remorse, animosity, or regret.
Still have the same job, going on year seven.
My nephew has taken to calling me Na-Na.
The car is paid off.
I have health insurance.
Nine tattoos instead of eight.
The revolving door my bed used to be is no longer in service.
  Aka - I'm learning to respect and love myself.
Still in tune with my sexuality but I yearn for something with substance.
I've been to Las Vegas for 3-11 Day and had the time of my life.
My mother and I are as close as ever.
Same goes for my brother and I.
I am fatherless now; mine has gone on to Heaven.
Attempting to grasp the fact that life is about the right-here-right-now, not the what-ifs, would-ofs, or should-ofs, or even the what-wills of the future.  It's about right now.