Insanity and the Task of Keeping Myself Occupied - On A Positive Note - From February 2012

When my mind and body are idle is when I tend to start spiraling downward.  That's when the scary thoughts start creeping into my head, that's when I decide to hole up in my room and not want to see or talk to anyone, even though I'm craving human contact.  But my state of mind won't allow it.

So what do those of us afflicted by depression do try to alleviate the feelings of desolation, isolation, worthlessness, listlessness, or wishing that we could just disappear?  I've taken inventory over the past of things I personally can do to help get myself through the bad times, some suggested by others, some I've come up with on my own, and I've separated them into two categories, the positive and negative.  Unfortunately I spend too much time going through the negative list, but let's start with the positive.  

         Constructive                                               

• Exercise or manual labor
  -one of my dearest friends told me the other night that when he was going through a stressful time in his life, he'd put on his running shoes and just take off, running until he couldn't possibly go any further, to the point of exhaustion.  So the other day the weather was nice, and instead of spending the afternoon in bed, I got in the car, headed over to a local recreation park, and started power-walking (I don't run) with 311 blasting in my ears.  I walked over five miles, and when I was done, I was tired, my muscles were sore, and I was proud of myself.
• Creative projects
  -After the first of the year I decided to organize all of my photography work, everything I've shot since 2001.  It took me about a week.  I took every disc with photos on it, loaded them on my computer, compressed every file and condensed what was once a giant pile of over 30 discs into maybe 10.  Everything is accounted for and organized nice and neat.
  -I started this blog.  I need to do something constructive with my time, and whether people read it or not, I don't care.  It's for me, but I do hope it can reach out to others going through the same thing.
  -One day not too long ago I took the initiative to rearrange all of the furniture in my bedroom, all by myself.  I cleaned my room from top to bottom, washed and re-hung my curtains, and rearranged the prints I have hanging on the walls.  I had also purchased a new television, set it up all by myself, built another bookshelf, and reorganized my books and photo albums, over the span of about two days.  Little things like that give me a sense of accomplishment.
• Long and short term goals
  -Back in the summer I opened up a savings account with two goals.  The first was obviously to start saving money, because I hadn't been for a very long time.  The second was to save for a trip to Las Vegas coming up in March to be a part of every die hard 311's dream - 3-11 Day 2012.  As of right now, I have a sizable chunk of money in that account, the tickets for my 311 weekend are sitting in my desk, and my flight and hotel are booked for Vegas.
  -I started taking better care of my car once I paid it off.  I keep it clean, and have been steadily getting it fixed back up, because, I think we can all agree, having a nice ride makes us all feel a little better.
  -As far as short term goals, mine are just to get through the Goddamn day sometimes, hopefully without crying.

Unfortunately sometimes these constructive ideas/projects/goals truly are just short lived.  Even though I have this amazing trip to Vegas planned, my depression clouds my thinking and I almost forget that I am going to see my most favorite band in the whole world for an entire weekend in the biggest party city in the world.  That's one of the bitches about depression.  It will drag you the fuck down no matter how hard you try not to let it.

"When I Put My Finger, On Your Trigger..." From February 2012

The triggers of depression are so widespread that sometimes it's hard to keep track of them all. Major things such as a traumatic experience like the sudden loss of a loved one (which also has the power to launch someone who has never dealt with depression into a dark hole for a very long time,) relationship problems or work related stress to trivial things like hearing a certain song play, someone looking at you the wrong way, the slightest change in your routine.

I used to think I could handle change with no problem. But these days all it takes is something as little as an appointment being canceled or someone deciding to tailgate me on the turnpike, and the panic attacks start.

When and why did it get this bad?
Last February, I lost my father in a car accident. His life was wiped out in a split second. I briefly detailed it in a post titled Time Doesn't Heal from another blog of mine. I grieved and grieved, and am still in the process of grieving. It's not something one can get over in a day, a month, even years. So my main trigger has been the fact that my father is no longer here on earth. I cannot call him on the phone, he does not come by the house anymore, he is gone and it's permanent.
One of the hardest things is watching my nephew grow up and knowing that my father is not here to see it. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even look at that sweet little boy without wanting to burst into tears. This first year it was the birthdays, the holidays, even little things like seeing a special about the San Francisco Giants on television or hearing Rocky Raccoon by the Beatles. I can either smile about the memories those things invoke or go in a corner and cry from the overwhelming sensation of loss. When I'm talking to someone about it, I attempt to explain to them the scope of having lost someone so quickly and tragically - that every little thing, from the big stuff to the small stuff, from the joyous moments to the sad ones, are magnified a million times because of the void that now exists in my heart.


For example: Last summer I started dating a really nice guy. We enjoyed each other's company, he was smart, attractive, we got along very well, my family really liked him. And out of no where he dumped me, his reasoning being that, even though I was "so awesome, beautiful, so laid-back and fun," he couldn't put aside his issues in order to pursue a relationship. This devastated me. Usually I can bounce back from a rejection, but for some reason this one took a little longer. And in the back of my mind all I could think was that if Pop were still around, he'd hug me, dry my tears, look at me and say, "Angel, he's a fool." But Pop wasn't here to do that this time.


So the tragedy myself and my family has experienced over the past twelve months has pushed my depression into overdrive. There's more that goes along with it, of course, that I will write about in detail at a later time.

How About A Little Comic Relief?

I don't want this blog to be all serious, all the time.  So I'd like to sprinkle it with little anecdotes from my family life, because honestly, someone should make a reality show out of us.  Times like yesterday are why I love being a part of my family.

  The central air conditioning is not working.  Jammed compressor or something.  Thankfully someone is coming out to look at it soon, as I sit here writing this, sweating, and drinking blazing hot coffee.  I'm a glutton for punishment, whatever.

  My brother, his wife, and the baby, Nico, all came over yesterday afternoon to swim because this heat is pretty damn brutal.  Well, you can't swim when it's lightening and there's a storm brewing.  So we battened down the hatches and went back inside, where it was hotter than hell.
  Now work with me for a minute, and just try to visualize three sweaty, grumpy albeit still good-natured adults and a 2 & a 1/2 year old losing their minds.  Thank God we all have a sense of humor.  My brother is running around opening windows, grabbing any fan he can find and positioning them around the family room. My sister in law is laughing at him and making sure her bathing suit is drying so she can sit on the furniture because she didn't want to put her clothes back on, I'm laying face down on the floor trying to cool off and Nico is climbing all over me.  We're pretending to go "night-night" because the fan that is in his bedroom is now downstairs and he thinks it's time to for "night-night."  We're making snoring sounds.
  My brother goes to change Nico, and the baby decides he'd rather run around naked.  (I really couldn't blame him.)  He's also feeling the need to show us all his behind, and playing with his little pee-pee.  My sister in law and I are dying as my brother struggles to get some clothes on him.
  My mother walks into this circus as my sister in law announces, "Hey guys!  My butt is dry!  That's good news!"
  Meanwhile, I'm blowing up my new exercise ball and attempting to use it.  Picture me, the girl with very little coordination and not much grace, trying to balance my ass on this thing, falling off and nearly busting my head on the fireplace hearth.  We were all in tears from laughing so hard.
  Then dinner arrives, the storm breaks, and life goes back to normal...
  Well, whatever it is that we consider normal.

Notes To Him

I always miss you when you're not near me.
I need you.
I want to sleep.
I want a drink.
I think I'll have another cigarette.
Sometimes I want to die.
I need to feel your presence next to me.
Because when I do, the pain goes away.

How The Fuck Did I End Up Here? From February 2012

Let's talk about what exactly depression is. Is it a disease? Is it an affliction? Wikipedia defines it as a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behaviour, feelings and physical well-being. Click on the link to read more.

So how do I personally define depression, that from now on I'm going to refer to as my "D," and how does it affect my life? I've battled with it for quite some time now. I've experienced just about every emotional and physical symptom that it can invoke, even ones I would never consider related to it.

The D for me is many things. It's feeling isolated in a crowded room. It's a feeling like a worthless human being. It's feeling like there's no purpose for my life. It's the feeling that no one truly loves me, even though I fucking know better. It's listlessness, frustration, mental exhaustion. It's looking in the mirror and not liking the person staring back at me. And those are just the things I feel inside of me.
Physically, it's the fact that I rarely eat anymore, and when I do my stomach feels like it's trying to lurch it's way out of my body through my navel, or I get indigestion so bad I feel like there's a Mac truck sitting on my chest. It's waking up in the middle of the night unable to breath because I'm having a panic attack, or just not being able to sleep. It's crying so Goddamn much that I get dehydrated, (yes, it's possible,) it's sitting in my room and smoking cigarette after cigarette watching the clock.

I'm having a hard time hiding it anymore as well. People pick up on the fact that I am not okay a little quicker than I'd like. "You look beautiful today baby, but you're not happy, I can see it in your eyes." "You've lost so much weight, you look fantastic, but I can see it in your eyes that something's wrong." Damn me and my tell-all eyes.

I've decided that I'm fed up, and have decided to get professional help, which I'll elaborate on later. Because honestly, I don't know how the fuck I ended up here

Two Years Later... (From June 26, 2012)

My depression got worse before it finally got better.
I've lost touch with the D/s world and am okay with that.
Still a rock & roll junkie.
Still a bit trashy, but I've learned there's a time and place for it.
  Like heavy metal music festivals.
Still a broke bitch but my finances are now in much better shape, so instead of broke let's call it "frugal."
I'm not over Buzzard yet, I wasn't when I wrote it two years ago, but I have moved on and will not let myself look back.  I can't ever let him back into my life this time around.  Ever.  
I've lost even more weight.
And there's more gray hair throughout this mane of mine.
I no longer need contacts or glasses to see.
Cultivated more new friendships and let go of ones that faded away without remorse, animosity, or regret.
Still have the same job, going on year seven.
My nephew has taken to calling me Na-Na.
The car is paid off.
I have health insurance.
Nine tattoos instead of eight.
The revolving door my bed used to be is no longer in service.
  Aka - I'm learning to respect and love myself.
Still in tune with my sexuality but I yearn for something with substance.
I've been to Las Vegas for 3-11 Day and had the time of my life.
My mother and I are as close as ever.
Same goes for my brother and I.
I am fatherless now; mine has gone on to Heaven.
Attempting to grasp the fact that life is about the right-here-right-now, not the what-ifs, would-ofs, or should-ofs, or even the what-wills of the future.  It's about right now.

24 Things I Am Now (From June 23, 2010)

I wrote this in an attempt to figure out where my life was and where I wanted it to go.  I know there's a list from 2009 laying around somewhere but as of right now I cannot find it.  The notes in italics are from my point of view at the present time.

Utterly and hopelessly depressed, worse than ever before. 

  Little did I know it would get so much worse.

More dominant than submissive.  

Rock & Roll junkie.

Still trashy.

Still a broke bitch.

Still slutty.

Eight tattoos.

The aunt of a beautiful baby boy.

  Nico was born on October 27th, 2009.

Over Buzzard.

  Haha, I was delusional.  I was in no way, shape, or form over this man.

Over the other one whose name began with a B.

  The love I had for this one turned into a good friendship.

Having an affair with a co-worker.

  Not so much an affair as just simple fun.  He's still a good friend.

Perfectly lonely.

More mindfuck-er than fuck-ee.

  This is up for debate.

A few pounds lighter.

Noticing more gray hair around my temples.

Mourning the death of more than one friendship.

Back to working for the same boss who hired me out of college.

Closer to my Mama.

Not afraid to jump on a plane, train, or into an automobile.

Feeling like I'm back at square one.

Suffering from a creativity block.

Uninsured.

Attempting to clean up the mess I've made of my life.