Lately I've been battling a lot of fear and paranoia in my mind. I feel like something out there is trying to bring me down because life has been going so well. It's not that I don't think I deserve happiness. Or maybe I do and choose to be in denial about it.
Having a 9-5 job is a huge change. Well, in my case, a 12:30-9. It's a tough shift to get used to. I'm home when everyone's at work, and when everyone's at home, I'm working. It's almost...lonely. I wake up every morning at 8, do whatever needs to be done - if it's cleaning, laundry, yard work, going to the gym or running errands, I go to work, come home and go to bed or to my boyfriend's house. Wash, rinse, repeat. I have to keep reminding myself that it won't be permanent. But I have now become just another American working for the weekend. How do you all deal with it? I miss the flexibility of my old job, damn near coming and going as I pleased. But I don't miss all the stress and bullshit that went along with it, trust me.
Something else that has been weighing on my mind is my relationship with my boyfriend. It's wonderful, no doubt. He makes me incredibly happy and I know I make him happy but....do I? I don't know if it's the fact that I'm about to get my period at any minute, but I have become super paranoid. Let me preface these next thoughts with the fact that the last man I loved was a no-good turbo whore that fucked anything he could. I could assume that at given moment, he was sticking it in some piece of trash with bad teeth and be right 99.9% of the time. So to say that I'm scarred would be an understatement.
Now here I sit, in a relationship with a guy who is so good to me, and shows it. He makes sure the coffee is stocked when I come over. When my side view mirror broke, he had a new one ordered and the broken one replaced within 3 days. He picked out a beautiful backyard statue for my mom for Mother's Day, gets along with my brother and adores my nephew. He is aware of how close my family is and doesn't resent me for it.
So why do I worry? Because I know all about his sexual appetite and wonder if I keep him satisfied? Yesterday I told him I probably wouldn't be coming over after work because I was planning on going into work today to rack up a couple of extra hours. Then I changed my mind and said I'd come over. The response I got was, "I'm gonna call it an early night, I'm so tired." Okay, no big deal. A little odd, considering that when I do ask if he wants me to come over he never fails to respond with "Of course!" tired or not. What kicked my paranoia into overdrive was the abrupt stop to our conversation. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that the second I told him I wouldn't be coming over last night, he made "other" plans. I mean, it happened before, even though we weren't exclusive at the time, who's to say it won't happen again? I'll just come out and say it - I can't possibly believe that he fell asleep within seconds of sending me a text message. Maybe he was busy fucking someone else.
Part of me said, "Holy shit Dana, shift into a lower gear. That's ludicrous." The other part said, "You and he go at it like bunnies when you're together. Tonight you're 20 miles away and would be none the wiser if he has someone else in his bed. He's got free reign if he wants it, sweetheart."
I have no doubt my trust issues stem from past relationships. But I'm not in his face about it because he isn't the cause of them and I'm doing my damnedest to make sure he doesn't up on the receiving end of any backlash. In fact, I haven't even brought it up because at first it wasn't an issue. Yet my brain has decided to make it one and now I have to say something or I will lose my mind.
Now I know it's possible for this topic to be gender neutral. Both men and women are affected by past relationships and how they've been treated by the opposite sex. It's all in how we go about dealing with it. Sure, I could have blown up his phone last night when an hour passed and I still hadn't gotten a response to a question I asked him. But I didn't. I did my best to calm my nerves and went to bed.
I don't know. I don't know why I'm freaking out over this. More than likely he did fall asleep. But the little demon is telling me otherwise because that little shit is trying to convince me that I don't deserve someone capable of being loyal to me.
So sometime in the near future I will be addressing this problem with him. When we first made it official he had no qualms about expressing his fear of getting hurt and at the time, I didn't feel any need to express mine. But I think that time has come.
My Continuing Pursuit of Happiness
As most of you know, I've been diligently spending the last year making positive changes in my life in order to be ready to take over the world mentally and physically when I turn 30. I'm proud of my progress and dedication, and things are finally falling into place. Why am I so proud? Because I've never really taken the initiative to buckle down and make serious changes in my life. I've always just let things run their course without making my own difference. "Either you're a part of the problem or you're a part of the solution." Well, this time I've decided to be a part of the solution and do everything in my power to change the things about myself and my life that I don't like. This chapter has begun with a new relationship, new mind, new job, and new body. Let's do a quick recap of the chain reaction of events that have brought to where I am right now.
It truly all started the day I walked out of Buzzard's life and simultaneously banished him from mine last April. That was one of the first steps I took to get my head clear. I couldn't do it with a buzzard circling above me, waiting to prey on my fragile heart and soul, and now it's gone. I stood by my guns and kept him at arms' length. Today when I get a text from concerning anything other than a "Hey, how are you?" I don't even bother to respond. I can honestly say I am finally free from the grasp of his talons. Standing firm in my decision to not let him get to me anymore has opened my heart to accept love I know I deserve. The other night Philip said the words I've been waiting to hear - "You've been the only one for a while now, and I'd like to keep it that way." Well, damn, baby, so would I! We are now exclusive and to quote 311 - my heart sings when I think of him. I get a big goofy smile on my face when I think about being all his and he being all mine. We are good for and good to each other. I could go on but I won't bore you all with details. Well, maybe in another post later.
I consciously made the decision to keep my outlook on life positive. Sure, some days I still get down and the urge to stay in bed is strong, but I overcome it. I realized, after years of suffering from anxiety and depression that my life is what I make of it and what I do with it. Struggles still plague me every once in a while, but how I decide to handle them is more powerful than the effect they have on me.
My last job was making me miserable, so I buckled down, persevered, and now I have a great new job with a set schedule, benefits, and a 401K. It's a job that challenges me in ways I have dearly missed, with a company I can see a future with. The impact this positive change has had on me is incredible. After the first week, Philip could already tell that my demeanor was happier and not as stressed out like he was used to.
I've made it a point to continue to get into better shape and eat healthier. My body has changed drastically over the last four years and I want to keep it up - for myself and no one else. I've been a dedicated member of a gym since last November and I make it a point to go, at the very least, three times a week. I've been weight training and running between four and six miles on the elliptical and just recently started noticing the benefits - my arms and legs (and even my belly!) are toning up and I'm not winded when I run up three flights of stairs.
Since I managed to get an exercise routine down, I took it to the next level and started counting calories. I realized that was the only way I was going to learn to eat better and shed this belly of mine that makes me self conscious. Let me tell you, it is not easy. But it's easier than balancing a budget for sure. I started using the LoseIt! app on my cell phone, logging everything I eat and any exercise I do each day. The main benefit of this app is getting a visual of how good (or bad) the food and beverages I consume are for me. I'm sticking to a 1400 calorie per day budget in order to drop 20 pounds by mid June. Extreme? A little. But I have the mentality that I can do it. Am I denying myself little pleasures like beer and chocolate? Hell no. I weighed myself yesterday and have lost 4 pounds since March 29th.
So this is where I am in my life right now and I wanted to share it with you. After enduring nothing but pain and darkness for so long, I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than ever before. I know my father is beaming down from Heaven with pride.
It truly all started the day I walked out of Buzzard's life and simultaneously banished him from mine last April. That was one of the first steps I took to get my head clear. I couldn't do it with a buzzard circling above me, waiting to prey on my fragile heart and soul, and now it's gone. I stood by my guns and kept him at arms' length. Today when I get a text from concerning anything other than a "Hey, how are you?" I don't even bother to respond. I can honestly say I am finally free from the grasp of his talons. Standing firm in my decision to not let him get to me anymore has opened my heart to accept love I know I deserve. The other night Philip said the words I've been waiting to hear - "You've been the only one for a while now, and I'd like to keep it that way." Well, damn, baby, so would I! We are now exclusive and to quote 311 - my heart sings when I think of him. I get a big goofy smile on my face when I think about being all his and he being all mine. We are good for and good to each other. I could go on but I won't bore you all with details. Well, maybe in another post later.
I consciously made the decision to keep my outlook on life positive. Sure, some days I still get down and the urge to stay in bed is strong, but I overcome it. I realized, after years of suffering from anxiety and depression that my life is what I make of it and what I do with it. Struggles still plague me every once in a while, but how I decide to handle them is more powerful than the effect they have on me.
My last job was making me miserable, so I buckled down, persevered, and now I have a great new job with a set schedule, benefits, and a 401K. It's a job that challenges me in ways I have dearly missed, with a company I can see a future with. The impact this positive change has had on me is incredible. After the first week, Philip could already tell that my demeanor was happier and not as stressed out like he was used to.
I've made it a point to continue to get into better shape and eat healthier. My body has changed drastically over the last four years and I want to keep it up - for myself and no one else. I've been a dedicated member of a gym since last November and I make it a point to go, at the very least, three times a week. I've been weight training and running between four and six miles on the elliptical and just recently started noticing the benefits - my arms and legs (and even my belly!) are toning up and I'm not winded when I run up three flights of stairs.
Since I managed to get an exercise routine down, I took it to the next level and started counting calories. I realized that was the only way I was going to learn to eat better and shed this belly of mine that makes me self conscious. Let me tell you, it is not easy. But it's easier than balancing a budget for sure. I started using the LoseIt! app on my cell phone, logging everything I eat and any exercise I do each day. The main benefit of this app is getting a visual of how good (or bad) the food and beverages I consume are for me. I'm sticking to a 1400 calorie per day budget in order to drop 20 pounds by mid June. Extreme? A little. But I have the mentality that I can do it. Am I denying myself little pleasures like beer and chocolate? Hell no. I weighed myself yesterday and have lost 4 pounds since March 29th.
So this is where I am in my life right now and I wanted to share it with you. After enduring nothing but pain and darkness for so long, I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than ever before. I know my father is beaming down from Heaven with pride.
It's March Already?
We are about 3 and a half months into 2013 and what a year it's been already. I'm feeling the need to do a quick recap so let's run down the list.
- I have embarked on a new career.
Monday I started my new job. So far so good. I'm catching on quickly and the boss said I did an excellent job my first day and it proved he made a good decision when he hired me. (Yes, I "squee'd" inside when he told me that.) You all know I had been incredibly frustrated with my career as a photographer and needed a change, and it's finally beginning. (See Perseverance Pays Off - 2/19/13.) - I went skiing for the first time in almost 15 years.
Philip and his friends took me to the Poconos on February 24th and it was the perfect way to pay tribute to my father. He and my mother taught my brother and I to ski when we were little and it was a passion we shared as a family. - Two years have gone by since my father passed away.
I can't believe it's been this long. Like my mother said, time does not heal, it just forces us to adapt, and we are still adapting to life without Pop around. - We had the 2nd annual Mid Winter Classic in Ocean City, NJ.
Last year my brother and sister in law started a new tradition, weekend-ing in Ocean City during the month of February because, well, there's not much to do between Christmas and Memorial Day. It started out as a sort of reunion for the bridal party from their wedding and has evolved (or de-volved,) to include other friends and family members. We average about 14 people crammed into my sister in law's parents' beach house - Friday night staying in drinking and playing games; Saturday night we venture into Atlantic City for a night of dancing and/or gambling. Philip came with me this year and let's just say a great time was had by all. - I had the opportunity to be a part of the 311 Caribbean Cruise 2013.
I barely have the words to describe the sheer awesome-ness of this experience still, and I've been back from Miami since last week. I will detail this adventure in a post all its own. - My relationship with Philip has been tested and I'm pretty sure we passed with flying colors.
We are still moving along, doing our thing with no real definition. I was planning on laying it on the line for him when I got back from the cruise, but a big part of me is hesitant to mess with a good thing. Not being too concerned about it is a big thing for me, it is what it is and I can say with confidence that we both know where it's headed, and I'm content.
Perseverance Pays Off
Well kids, it's official - I start my new job on March 11th! I got the call Monday night as I was booking my hotel room in Miami Beach and surrounded by family.
It's a big girl job with benefits, a 401k and paid time off. Never in my life have I enjoyed these kinds of enmities from a job. My health insurance comes out of my own pocket, I have no retirement fund, and any time off I've needed has come with a price - or no price as in a smaller paycheck. My entire adult life has been spent working as an independently contracted photographer or as a waitress or for my father at his business or working part time jobs while going to school.
I will still be struggling financially for the next few months but at this point I'm used to it. And it's a small price to pay considering that I will now be receiving a steady paycheck instead of worrying about how much I'm getting paid this week or that or whether or not I need to file my unemployment claim. I finally see light at the end of the tunnel and nothing is going to stop me from making my way towards it.
It's a big girl job with benefits, a 401k and paid time off. Never in my life have I enjoyed these kinds of enmities from a job. My health insurance comes out of my own pocket, I have no retirement fund, and any time off I've needed has come with a price - or no price as in a smaller paycheck. My entire adult life has been spent working as an independently contracted photographer or as a waitress or for my father at his business or working part time jobs while going to school.
I will still be struggling financially for the next few months but at this point I'm used to it. And it's a small price to pay considering that I will now be receiving a steady paycheck instead of worrying about how much I'm getting paid this week or that or whether or not I need to file my unemployment claim. I finally see light at the end of the tunnel and nothing is going to stop me from making my way towards it.
Weight Loss - A Photo Perspective
I'm very proud of myself for keeping up with my gym routine. Since the end of November, I've managed to get there at the very least 3 times a week, with the exception of the week between Christmas and New Years when I had the flu. Even the days when dragging my ass there is the last thing I feel like doing, I still go and am glad I made myself.
I can see the progress I'm making because my body is changing. It's a slow process - it's not the drastic weight loss I experienced between 2008 and 2010, but it's happening. My arms are getting more toned, along with my legs. My stamina has increased. My clothes are starting, ever so slightly, to fit differently. I've lost maybe between 5 and 7 pounds (which I think may be due to the fact that I have not replenished my stash of Bud Light since I ran out a month and a half ago.)
Last Thursday I concentrated on working my abs, something I've been avoiding because, let's face it - ab workouts suck. But I gathered my courage, squashed my insecurities about looking silly laying on the bench and doing weighted crunches set to only 20 pounds, and did 5 sets of 10. Go me.
Needless to say, when I sat up in bed this morning, my tummy muscles screamed a bit. But it was a scream I was glad to hear. No pain, no gain, right?
One of the reasons I decided to start focusing on my abs was having to lay on my side for an hour or so last Sunday while getting a new tattoo. My shirt was pulled up and that belly of mine was exposed for the adorable tattoo artist to see. "Don't judge me, I'm built for comfort, not speed!" Sure, when I'm standing, my tummy is fine...curvy in a way that I don't mind. Same with when I'm lying on my back. I also realize that laying on our sides is unflattering for 99% of us. But damn, I just want to be able to sit down while wearing a bikini without having to sit up so straight that I can't breathe.
Let's put it into perspective....
 |
| This is my brother & I playing beer pong during his 21st birthday party, circa 2003. |
 |
| At a friend's wedding, circa 2009. |
 |
| After one of my eye procedures, June 2012. |
 |
| Summer 2012. |
 |
| Another wedding, September 2012. I've had this dress for 2 or 3 years and finally feel comfortable enough to wear it. |
 |
| New Years Eve, 2012. Yes, I was a little drunk. |
11 Days and Counting
I've never been anywhere tropical outside of this country. I've never even been out of the country, much less on a cruise. I'm so excited I could just...pee.
I'll be flying down to Miami on February 27th and we set sail March 1st. I can't believe that one of my dreams has become a reality.
When Friends With Benefits Gets Starts To Get Real
Recently the dynamic of one of the relationships I'm in has changed drastically. I link the word "relationship" to Webster's definition to clarify that I'm not talking about a specific kind. I am "in" a relationship with someone, but I'm also in relationships with everyone that is close to me. We all are.
Relationships are funny. Sometimes they're a walk in the park on a warm spring day, other times they're like trying to shovel 3 feet of snow out of one's driveway. That goes for all types - familial, friendships, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, lovers. Why this is so difficult for me is the fact that the relationship I'm referring to does not fit into any of those categories. For simplicity's sake, I'll say it's a (very) sexual, close friendship. Oxymoron, right?
For the most part this guy and I are cruising along doing our thing. But I'm starting to get a little restless and I don't know how to address it, towards myself mostly. This relationship is not following the natural order of things and it's kind of throwing me for a loop. And I don't need to hear shit about how "it doesn't need follow any kind of order, it shouldn't follow any kind of order, rise, rebel and resist!" I don't need my love life to be some complicated, over-worked, over-analyzed drama that I have to strive to keep unconventional. Right now I'm beginning to want something secure, steady and stable. Don't judge me.
There's nothing really wrong with our relationship, except for the fact that I don't know where it's heading, I don't even know where it will be tomorrow morning. I know I should be discussing this with him and trust me, we discuss it plenty.
The most recent discussion happened when I informed him that if he chooses to sleep with other people, I don't need to find the aftermath, i.e. used condom & empty wrapper from (I'm guessing) two nights prior, sitting on top of the bathroom trashcan when I go to throw away my tissues after blowing my nose first thing in the morning.
I had always kept the fact that I'm sure he's sleeping with other women, even post-my top drawer of his dresser takeover, in the back of my head, but I was fine with it being there, not hearing about it, not seeing it, basically maintaining the ignorance is bliss mentality. I was good with that. But here's where it gets weird - I would never throw something like in his face, whether unintentionally or not. I don't leave empty condom wrappers laying around for him to stumble upon. I don't divulge sexual escapades. I rarely even talk about my past, because we all know that your lover doesn't want to hear about some other guy that's been in your bed, even if you're trashing them.
Having the realization that he is sleeping with someone, or maybe even someones, violently pushed to the front of my mind was not a pleasant experience. It was downright brutal, and my emotional response surprised me. It hurt me more than I thought it would. I cried. A lot. I got angry. Very angry. It brought back ugly, self-deprecating feelings of just being a girl that someone knows they can call if they want to get laid.
I feel very foolish and stupid. I feel like I've been led on. To be honest, I feel downright betrayed, regardless of the fact that we have not claimed exclusivity, due to how much time we spend together and how we spend it. Now I feel as though people look at me when I'm with him and think to themselves, "Oh, that poor girl. She has no idea. Look how clueless she is." Because for some reason I assume that everyone knows our business. For all I know, I could have, at one time or another, been in the presence of this other girl while she snickered about their little secret on the inside. (I know it happens; I've been that other girl.) His behavior towards me when we're around other people dictates that we're together and I just go along with it because I really don't have a reason not to. I'm often referred to as his girlfriend and he doesn't bother to correct it. We're asked how long we've been together and he says "Since early summer or so." So of course I'm going to be a little upset when he basically announces to me, unabashedly, Hey guess what, you're not the only girl I'm fucking. I know he cares for me. I know he values what we have together. He tells me all the time. But sorry baby, actions speak louder than words.
Now, I've been no angel. For most of our "relationship," he has not been the only guy I've been sleeping with. As I've addressed in previous posts, I've pretty much pushed other guys to the wayside, unintentionally or not, which leads me to think that he's worthy of my fidelity. But if he's not going to give me that much, I have no reason to feel obligated to either.
He and I have discussed this ad nauseum. At this point I am, for the most part, over it. But it's still in the back of my head. When I go over to his place I can't help but think, Hmmm, who was here last night? The other night he had plans with a (girl)friend he hadn't seen in a very long time. Was I losing my mind? Yup. So when I saw him the next night, he was telling me about his evening and I asked him point blank if he fucked her. He looked as if I had slapped him. Well, what do you expect? I had a whole speech prepared if he were to say yes. His answer was no. Do I believe him? Mostly yes, a tiny part of me - no. But it's out of my control now.
The whole thing raises a lot of questions, not to mention there's a lot to the story I'm not sharing because it's too much for one post. What would you do, based on what I have disclosed, in this situation?
Relationships are funny. Sometimes they're a walk in the park on a warm spring day, other times they're like trying to shovel 3 feet of snow out of one's driveway. That goes for all types - familial, friendships, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, lovers. Why this is so difficult for me is the fact that the relationship I'm referring to does not fit into any of those categories. For simplicity's sake, I'll say it's a (very) sexual, close friendship. Oxymoron, right?
For the most part this guy and I are cruising along doing our thing. But I'm starting to get a little restless and I don't know how to address it, towards myself mostly. This relationship is not following the natural order of things and it's kind of throwing me for a loop. And I don't need to hear shit about how "it doesn't need follow any kind of order, it shouldn't follow any kind of order, rise, rebel and resist!" I don't need my love life to be some complicated, over-worked, over-analyzed drama that I have to strive to keep unconventional. Right now I'm beginning to want something secure, steady and stable. Don't judge me.
There's nothing really wrong with our relationship, except for the fact that I don't know where it's heading, I don't even know where it will be tomorrow morning. I know I should be discussing this with him and trust me, we discuss it plenty.
The most recent discussion happened when I informed him that if he chooses to sleep with other people, I don't need to find the aftermath, i.e. used condom & empty wrapper from (I'm guessing) two nights prior, sitting on top of the bathroom trashcan when I go to throw away my tissues after blowing my nose first thing in the morning.
I had always kept the fact that I'm sure he's sleeping with other women, even post-my top drawer of his dresser takeover, in the back of my head, but I was fine with it being there, not hearing about it, not seeing it, basically maintaining the ignorance is bliss mentality. I was good with that. But here's where it gets weird - I would never throw something like in his face, whether unintentionally or not. I don't leave empty condom wrappers laying around for him to stumble upon. I don't divulge sexual escapades. I rarely even talk about my past, because we all know that your lover doesn't want to hear about some other guy that's been in your bed, even if you're trashing them.
Having the realization that he is sleeping with someone, or maybe even someones, violently pushed to the front of my mind was not a pleasant experience. It was downright brutal, and my emotional response surprised me. It hurt me more than I thought it would. I cried. A lot. I got angry. Very angry. It brought back ugly, self-deprecating feelings of just being a girl that someone knows they can call if they want to get laid.
I feel very foolish and stupid. I feel like I've been led on. To be honest, I feel downright betrayed, regardless of the fact that we have not claimed exclusivity, due to how much time we spend together and how we spend it. Now I feel as though people look at me when I'm with him and think to themselves, "Oh, that poor girl. She has no idea. Look how clueless she is." Because for some reason I assume that everyone knows our business. For all I know, I could have, at one time or another, been in the presence of this other girl while she snickered about their little secret on the inside. (I know it happens; I've been that other girl.) His behavior towards me when we're around other people dictates that we're together and I just go along with it because I really don't have a reason not to. I'm often referred to as his girlfriend and he doesn't bother to correct it. We're asked how long we've been together and he says "Since early summer or so." So of course I'm going to be a little upset when he basically announces to me, unabashedly, Hey guess what, you're not the only girl I'm fucking. I know he cares for me. I know he values what we have together. He tells me all the time. But sorry baby, actions speak louder than words.
Now, I've been no angel. For most of our "relationship," he has not been the only guy I've been sleeping with. As I've addressed in previous posts, I've pretty much pushed other guys to the wayside, unintentionally or not, which leads me to think that he's worthy of my fidelity. But if he's not going to give me that much, I have no reason to feel obligated to either.
He and I have discussed this ad nauseum. At this point I am, for the most part, over it. But it's still in the back of my head. When I go over to his place I can't help but think, Hmmm, who was here last night? The other night he had plans with a (girl)friend he hadn't seen in a very long time. Was I losing my mind? Yup. So when I saw him the next night, he was telling me about his evening and I asked him point blank if he fucked her. He looked as if I had slapped him. Well, what do you expect? I had a whole speech prepared if he were to say yes. His answer was no. Do I believe him? Mostly yes, a tiny part of me - no. But it's out of my control now.
The whole thing raises a lot of questions, not to mention there's a lot to the story I'm not sharing because it's too much for one post. What would you do, based on what I have disclosed, in this situation?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
