And That's What the Birth Control Is For... (February 2012)

  A question I've been asking myself lately is whether or not my biological clock is truly ticking.  I'm writing this as my two-year-old nephew is sitting next to me, enthralled by Woody & Buzz in the world of Toy Story playing on the television.  He's been here since about 7:30 this morning, we've watched Finding Nemo, (kind of,) he took a huge and disgusting poop, we've gone for a walk around the block, and lunch isn't for another two hours.  Oh yes, and we've already had a temper tantrum over cookies.

  It's all good though, this little guy is my baby.  He's the love of my life.  Some days the only reason I get out of bed or decide to keep trudging through life is because of him.  He loves his Nah-Nah and I love him.

  But obviously it's a lot different because he's not my baby.  I didn't give birth to him, I can only help out here and there when it comes to raising him; he's mine to spoil because he's my nephew and not my son.  All my life I've dreamed of having kids.  One, two, three, there was a time I even thought I wanted four.  But now I'm starting to think I'm just plain crazy.  How could I dream of even wanting a baby when sometimes it's hard to even look at Nico without wanting to cry?  What is it that makes me want to cry?  The fact that he's growing up without my dad, his PopPop?  The fact that there are days when I'm in such a funk that I hate myself for not being able to fully enjoy the time I get to spend with him?  Maybe the fact that I'm scared of two things - one, that I'll never get the chance to have a baby, or two, that deep down I don't see how I could ever be a good mother?
  While on the phone with one of my girl friends the other night, I remarked at how sometimes I think having a baby would help save my sanity because it would fulfill one of the major problems I'm suffering from - that I feel I have no purpose in life.  It's a reason to be the best person one can be because there's another human being depending on them.  Isn't it?
  It's just hard when last night I was with Buzzard, the man whose baby I'd have without even having to think about it.  Being in the mental state that I am, though, it would not be fair to bring a child into this world.  Right now, that's what the birth control's for.