"When I Put My Finger, On Your Trigger..." From February 2012

The triggers of depression are so widespread that sometimes it's hard to keep track of them all. Major things such as a traumatic experience like the sudden loss of a loved one (which also has the power to launch someone who has never dealt with depression into a dark hole for a very long time,) relationship problems or work related stress to trivial things like hearing a certain song play, someone looking at you the wrong way, the slightest change in your routine.

I used to think I could handle change with no problem. But these days all it takes is something as little as an appointment being canceled or someone deciding to tailgate me on the turnpike, and the panic attacks start.

When and why did it get this bad?
Last February, I lost my father in a car accident. His life was wiped out in a split second. I briefly detailed it in a post titled Time Doesn't Heal from another blog of mine. I grieved and grieved, and am still in the process of grieving. It's not something one can get over in a day, a month, even years. So my main trigger has been the fact that my father is no longer here on earth. I cannot call him on the phone, he does not come by the house anymore, he is gone and it's permanent.
One of the hardest things is watching my nephew grow up and knowing that my father is not here to see it. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even look at that sweet little boy without wanting to burst into tears. This first year it was the birthdays, the holidays, even little things like seeing a special about the San Francisco Giants on television or hearing Rocky Raccoon by the Beatles. I can either smile about the memories those things invoke or go in a corner and cry from the overwhelming sensation of loss. When I'm talking to someone about it, I attempt to explain to them the scope of having lost someone so quickly and tragically - that every little thing, from the big stuff to the small stuff, from the joyous moments to the sad ones, are magnified a million times because of the void that now exists in my heart.


For example: Last summer I started dating a really nice guy. We enjoyed each other's company, he was smart, attractive, we got along very well, my family really liked him. And out of no where he dumped me, his reasoning being that, even though I was "so awesome, beautiful, so laid-back and fun," he couldn't put aside his issues in order to pursue a relationship. This devastated me. Usually I can bounce back from a rejection, but for some reason this one took a little longer. And in the back of my mind all I could think was that if Pop were still around, he'd hug me, dry my tears, look at me and say, "Angel, he's a fool." But Pop wasn't here to do that this time.


So the tragedy myself and my family has experienced over the past twelve months has pushed my depression into overdrive. There's more that goes along with it, of course, that I will write about in detail at a later time.