Insanity and the Task of Keeping Myself Occupied - On A Positive Note - From February 2012

When my mind and body are idle is when I tend to start spiraling downward.  That's when the scary thoughts start creeping into my head, that's when I decide to hole up in my room and not want to see or talk to anyone, even though I'm craving human contact.  But my state of mind won't allow it.

So what do those of us afflicted by depression do try to alleviate the feelings of desolation, isolation, worthlessness, listlessness, or wishing that we could just disappear?  I've taken inventory over the past of things I personally can do to help get myself through the bad times, some suggested by others, some I've come up with on my own, and I've separated them into two categories, the positive and negative.  Unfortunately I spend too much time going through the negative list, but let's start with the positive.  

         Constructive                                               

• Exercise or manual labor
  -one of my dearest friends told me the other night that when he was going through a stressful time in his life, he'd put on his running shoes and just take off, running until he couldn't possibly go any further, to the point of exhaustion.  So the other day the weather was nice, and instead of spending the afternoon in bed, I got in the car, headed over to a local recreation park, and started power-walking (I don't run) with 311 blasting in my ears.  I walked over five miles, and when I was done, I was tired, my muscles were sore, and I was proud of myself.
• Creative projects
  -After the first of the year I decided to organize all of my photography work, everything I've shot since 2001.  It took me about a week.  I took every disc with photos on it, loaded them on my computer, compressed every file and condensed what was once a giant pile of over 30 discs into maybe 10.  Everything is accounted for and organized nice and neat.
  -I started this blog.  I need to do something constructive with my time, and whether people read it or not, I don't care.  It's for me, but I do hope it can reach out to others going through the same thing.
  -One day not too long ago I took the initiative to rearrange all of the furniture in my bedroom, all by myself.  I cleaned my room from top to bottom, washed and re-hung my curtains, and rearranged the prints I have hanging on the walls.  I had also purchased a new television, set it up all by myself, built another bookshelf, and reorganized my books and photo albums, over the span of about two days.  Little things like that give me a sense of accomplishment.
• Long and short term goals
  -Back in the summer I opened up a savings account with two goals.  The first was obviously to start saving money, because I hadn't been for a very long time.  The second was to save for a trip to Las Vegas coming up in March to be a part of every die hard 311's dream - 3-11 Day 2012.  As of right now, I have a sizable chunk of money in that account, the tickets for my 311 weekend are sitting in my desk, and my flight and hotel are booked for Vegas.
  -I started taking better care of my car once I paid it off.  I keep it clean, and have been steadily getting it fixed back up, because, I think we can all agree, having a nice ride makes us all feel a little better.
  -As far as short term goals, mine are just to get through the Goddamn day sometimes, hopefully without crying.

Unfortunately sometimes these constructive ideas/projects/goals truly are just short lived.  Even though I have this amazing trip to Vegas planned, my depression clouds my thinking and I almost forget that I am going to see my most favorite band in the whole world for an entire weekend in the biggest party city in the world.  That's one of the bitches about depression.  It will drag you the fuck down no matter how hard you try not to let it.