Let's talk about what exactly depression is. Is it a disease? Is it an affliction? Wikipedia defines it as a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behaviour, feelings and physical well-being. Click on the link to read more.
So how do I personally define depression, that from now on I'm going to refer to as my "D," and how does it affect my life? I've battled with it for quite some time now. I've experienced just about every emotional and physical symptom that it can invoke, even ones I would never consider related to it.
The D for me is many things. It's feeling isolated in a crowded room. It's a feeling like a worthless human being. It's feeling like there's no purpose for my life. It's the feeling that no one truly loves me, even though I fucking know better. It's listlessness, frustration, mental exhaustion. It's looking in the mirror and not liking the person staring back at me. And those are just the things I feel inside of me.
Physically, it's the fact that I rarely eat anymore, and when I do my stomach feels like it's trying to lurch it's way out of my body through my navel, or I get indigestion so bad I feel like there's a Mac truck sitting on my chest. It's waking up in the middle of the night unable to breath because I'm having a panic attack, or just not being able to sleep. It's crying so Goddamn much that I get dehydrated, (yes, it's possible,) it's sitting in my room and smoking cigarette after cigarette watching the clock.
I'm having a hard time hiding it anymore as well. People pick up on the fact that I am not okay a little quicker than I'd like. "You look beautiful today baby, but you're not happy, I can see it in your eyes." "You've lost so much weight, you look fantastic, but I can see it in your eyes that something's wrong." Damn me and my tell-all eyes.
I've decided that I'm fed up, and have decided to get professional help, which I'll elaborate on later. Because honestly, I don't know how the fuck I ended up here
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment