My mother has a daily devotional book, Jesus Calling, that sits on the kitchen table. I've taken to picking it up in the morning, especially when I'm feeling lousy, and whatever the devotion happens to be for that particular day never fails to be totally relevant to how I'm feeling. Never fails.
Monday I spent all day at work in front of the computer processing pill counts and suspensions for dispensing. It's good because it doesn't require heavy lifting, but it gets a little repetitive, so I had a lot of time to think. My mind would wander back to whether or not I had made the right career move. Doubt and worry about my future set in. So yesterday morning I picked up the devotional and the words leaped off the page and damn near smacked me in the face.
June 18
YOU ARE MY BELOVED CHILD. I chose you to be the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along the paths designed specifically for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.
Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.
Boom! There it was, exactly what I needed to hear, because my struggle right now is focusing too much time and energy on things I cannot control and therefore I have a very hard time relaxing and enjoying the present moment.
I'm not ashamed that I've chosen to rekindle my relationship with God. It has made a huge difference in my life. Where there was once nothing but darkness I now see light. I'm slowly starting to feel peace come back into my life. I'm learning that the struggles I experience in my head can and will be overcome. I'm learning to accept that life isn't and never will be perfect or what I expect it to be, and to be thankful for the blessings I do have.
To be continued...
My Journey Back To Faith
I took the day off last Wednesday because the pain in my chest was pretty unbearable and I needed a mental health break as well.
I started experiencing severe chest pains at work last Friday and ended up in my doctor's office. All of the tests they ran showed that it wasn't my heart, thank God. (They were able to see me immediately and wanted to prevent an emergency room trip if at all possible and I'm glad they did because that wouldn't have been necessary.) Turns out I have costochondritis, and all I can do is manage the pain until it goes away on its own, plus make sure I take it easy so as not to aggravate it or slow down the healing process. Very frustrating for someone whose job entails plenty of heavy lifting and someone who also goes to the gym frequently. But again, I'm so thankful that my heart is just fine.
So I took it easy last Wednesday and decided to read most of the day. I haven't had the luxury to sit down with a book, uninterrupted, for a long time. Before I picked one up, settling on How To Save Your Own Life by Erica Jong, one I've already read but in a previous life, I sat down and started making a list of things I need to remind myself of on a daily basis.
Like,
- I can't stress about tomorrow because it's out of my control.
- I can't stress over money because I have a full time job and my bills are getting paid.
- I can't worry about the things I have no control over.
- I must choose to enjoy the present. Not dwell in the past or mull over the future.
- I am thankful for all I do have and won't concern myself with what I don't have.
Sometimes I get so down on myself, so immersed in my own head, that I end up feeling like a lousy human being. I forget how far I've come this past year. I dwell on the negatives, like I've said before, instead of focusing on the positives. And sometimes I even take the positives and spin them into negatives. It's a vicious cycle that I am trying desperately to put an end to.
To be continued...
I started experiencing severe chest pains at work last Friday and ended up in my doctor's office. All of the tests they ran showed that it wasn't my heart, thank God. (They were able to see me immediately and wanted to prevent an emergency room trip if at all possible and I'm glad they did because that wouldn't have been necessary.) Turns out I have costochondritis, and all I can do is manage the pain until it goes away on its own, plus make sure I take it easy so as not to aggravate it or slow down the healing process. Very frustrating for someone whose job entails plenty of heavy lifting and someone who also goes to the gym frequently. But again, I'm so thankful that my heart is just fine.
So I took it easy last Wednesday and decided to read most of the day. I haven't had the luxury to sit down with a book, uninterrupted, for a long time. Before I picked one up, settling on How To Save Your Own Life by Erica Jong, one I've already read but in a previous life, I sat down and started making a list of things I need to remind myself of on a daily basis.
Like,
- I can't stress about tomorrow because it's out of my control.
- I can't stress over money because I have a full time job and my bills are getting paid.
- I can't worry about the things I have no control over.
- I must choose to enjoy the present. Not dwell in the past or mull over the future.
- I am thankful for all I do have and won't concern myself with what I don't have.
Sometimes I get so down on myself, so immersed in my own head, that I end up feeling like a lousy human being. I forget how far I've come this past year. I dwell on the negatives, like I've said before, instead of focusing on the positives. And sometimes I even take the positives and spin them into negatives. It's a vicious cycle that I am trying desperately to put an end to.
To be continued...
The Pain Of Not Knowing Answers
Okay, so I tend to blow things out of proportion. We all do, don't we? I don't know why I'm struggling with insecurity issues when it comes to my relationship, or why I can't just let it be and accept the fact that someone outside of my family actually cares about me.
About 2 or 3 weeks ago my PMS had seemingly gotten out of control. As much as I hate to return to the cliche, I can't help but point out that when I'm down on myself, when I'm bitchy and snap and everyone, when I want to crawl into a hole and die just so happens to be when my uterus is doing it's monthly thing.
Wednesday of that particular week I had the day off and the weather was gorgeous. I spent all day outside, working on the pool & the yard, then laying by said pool even though it isn't swimmable yet. Then my brain decided to get the best of me. I started dwelling on why my boyfriend had abruptly cut off the texting the night before. I started dwelling on the fact that I am almost 30 and I still live at home. I started seriously wondering if I had made the right decision to leave my old job and start a new one in a completely different field. Dwelling on financial struggle. I was missing my dad, and my brother, who has been working down in Rehoboth for the past month or so and I don't get to see as much as I used to, (even though I know it's temporary.) Waves of emotion just kept crashing down on me and I couldn't control them.
When this happens I ask myself, "Why?" I have come so far in making positive changes to my life, so why do I still get incredibly down in the dumps? For a split second I considered asking my doctor about going back on antidepressants. But I don't want to travel down that road again. I'd rather exercise a positive mind set without the aid of prescription medicine. I'd rather stand up and say that I refuse to let depression get the best of me.
Why do I have so much trouble reminding myself to sit back and take serious inventory of all the good in my life and dwell on that instead of the negatives? I'm in constant search of the answer.
About 2 or 3 weeks ago my PMS had seemingly gotten out of control. As much as I hate to return to the cliche, I can't help but point out that when I'm down on myself, when I'm bitchy and snap and everyone, when I want to crawl into a hole and die just so happens to be when my uterus is doing it's monthly thing.
Wednesday of that particular week I had the day off and the weather was gorgeous. I spent all day outside, working on the pool & the yard, then laying by said pool even though it isn't swimmable yet. Then my brain decided to get the best of me. I started dwelling on why my boyfriend had abruptly cut off the texting the night before. I started dwelling on the fact that I am almost 30 and I still live at home. I started seriously wondering if I had made the right decision to leave my old job and start a new one in a completely different field. Dwelling on financial struggle. I was missing my dad, and my brother, who has been working down in Rehoboth for the past month or so and I don't get to see as much as I used to, (even though I know it's temporary.) Waves of emotion just kept crashing down on me and I couldn't control them.
When this happens I ask myself, "Why?" I have come so far in making positive changes to my life, so why do I still get incredibly down in the dumps? For a split second I considered asking my doctor about going back on antidepressants. But I don't want to travel down that road again. I'd rather exercise a positive mind set without the aid of prescription medicine. I'd rather stand up and say that I refuse to let depression get the best of me.
Why do I have so much trouble reminding myself to sit back and take serious inventory of all the good in my life and dwell on that instead of the negatives? I'm in constant search of the answer.
DLMD
Lately I've been battling a lot of fear and paranoia in my mind. I feel like something out there is trying to bring me down because life has been going so well. It's not that I don't think I deserve happiness. Or maybe I do and choose to be in denial about it.
Having a 9-5 job is a huge change. Well, in my case, a 12:30-9. It's a tough shift to get used to. I'm home when everyone's at work, and when everyone's at home, I'm working. It's almost...lonely. I wake up every morning at 8, do whatever needs to be done - if it's cleaning, laundry, yard work, going to the gym or running errands, I go to work, come home and go to bed or to my boyfriend's house. Wash, rinse, repeat. I have to keep reminding myself that it won't be permanent. But I have now become just another American working for the weekend. How do you all deal with it? I miss the flexibility of my old job, damn near coming and going as I pleased. But I don't miss all the stress and bullshit that went along with it, trust me.
Something else that has been weighing on my mind is my relationship with my boyfriend. It's wonderful, no doubt. He makes me incredibly happy and I know I make him happy but....do I? I don't know if it's the fact that I'm about to get my period at any minute, but I have become super paranoid. Let me preface these next thoughts with the fact that the last man I loved was a no-good turbo whore that fucked anything he could. I could assume that at given moment, he was sticking it in some piece of trash with bad teeth and be right 99.9% of the time. So to say that I'm scarred would be an understatement.
Now here I sit, in a relationship with a guy who is so good to me, and shows it. He makes sure the coffee is stocked when I come over. When my side view mirror broke, he had a new one ordered and the broken one replaced within 3 days. He picked out a beautiful backyard statue for my mom for Mother's Day, gets along with my brother and adores my nephew. He is aware of how close my family is and doesn't resent me for it.
So why do I worry? Because I know all about his sexual appetite and wonder if I keep him satisfied? Yesterday I told him I probably wouldn't be coming over after work because I was planning on going into work today to rack up a couple of extra hours. Then I changed my mind and said I'd come over. The response I got was, "I'm gonna call it an early night, I'm so tired." Okay, no big deal. A little odd, considering that when I do ask if he wants me to come over he never fails to respond with "Of course!" tired or not. What kicked my paranoia into overdrive was the abrupt stop to our conversation. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that the second I told him I wouldn't be coming over last night, he made "other" plans. I mean, it happened before, even though we weren't exclusive at the time, who's to say it won't happen again? I'll just come out and say it - I can't possibly believe that he fell asleep within seconds of sending me a text message. Maybe he was busy fucking someone else.
Part of me said, "Holy shit Dana, shift into a lower gear. That's ludicrous." The other part said, "You and he go at it like bunnies when you're together. Tonight you're 20 miles away and would be none the wiser if he has someone else in his bed. He's got free reign if he wants it, sweetheart."
I have no doubt my trust issues stem from past relationships. But I'm not in his face about it because he isn't the cause of them and I'm doing my damnedest to make sure he doesn't up on the receiving end of any backlash. In fact, I haven't even brought it up because at first it wasn't an issue. Yet my brain has decided to make it one and now I have to say something or I will lose my mind.
Now I know it's possible for this topic to be gender neutral. Both men and women are affected by past relationships and how they've been treated by the opposite sex. It's all in how we go about dealing with it. Sure, I could have blown up his phone last night when an hour passed and I still hadn't gotten a response to a question I asked him. But I didn't. I did my best to calm my nerves and went to bed.
I don't know. I don't know why I'm freaking out over this. More than likely he did fall asleep. But the little demon is telling me otherwise because that little shit is trying to convince me that I don't deserve someone capable of being loyal to me.
So sometime in the near future I will be addressing this problem with him. When we first made it official he had no qualms about expressing his fear of getting hurt and at the time, I didn't feel any need to express mine. But I think that time has come.
Having a 9-5 job is a huge change. Well, in my case, a 12:30-9. It's a tough shift to get used to. I'm home when everyone's at work, and when everyone's at home, I'm working. It's almost...lonely. I wake up every morning at 8, do whatever needs to be done - if it's cleaning, laundry, yard work, going to the gym or running errands, I go to work, come home and go to bed or to my boyfriend's house. Wash, rinse, repeat. I have to keep reminding myself that it won't be permanent. But I have now become just another American working for the weekend. How do you all deal with it? I miss the flexibility of my old job, damn near coming and going as I pleased. But I don't miss all the stress and bullshit that went along with it, trust me.
Something else that has been weighing on my mind is my relationship with my boyfriend. It's wonderful, no doubt. He makes me incredibly happy and I know I make him happy but....do I? I don't know if it's the fact that I'm about to get my period at any minute, but I have become super paranoid. Let me preface these next thoughts with the fact that the last man I loved was a no-good turbo whore that fucked anything he could. I could assume that at given moment, he was sticking it in some piece of trash with bad teeth and be right 99.9% of the time. So to say that I'm scarred would be an understatement.
Now here I sit, in a relationship with a guy who is so good to me, and shows it. He makes sure the coffee is stocked when I come over. When my side view mirror broke, he had a new one ordered and the broken one replaced within 3 days. He picked out a beautiful backyard statue for my mom for Mother's Day, gets along with my brother and adores my nephew. He is aware of how close my family is and doesn't resent me for it.
So why do I worry? Because I know all about his sexual appetite and wonder if I keep him satisfied? Yesterday I told him I probably wouldn't be coming over after work because I was planning on going into work today to rack up a couple of extra hours. Then I changed my mind and said I'd come over. The response I got was, "I'm gonna call it an early night, I'm so tired." Okay, no big deal. A little odd, considering that when I do ask if he wants me to come over he never fails to respond with "Of course!" tired or not. What kicked my paranoia into overdrive was the abrupt stop to our conversation. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that the second I told him I wouldn't be coming over last night, he made "other" plans. I mean, it happened before, even though we weren't exclusive at the time, who's to say it won't happen again? I'll just come out and say it - I can't possibly believe that he fell asleep within seconds of sending me a text message. Maybe he was busy fucking someone else.
Part of me said, "Holy shit Dana, shift into a lower gear. That's ludicrous." The other part said, "You and he go at it like bunnies when you're together. Tonight you're 20 miles away and would be none the wiser if he has someone else in his bed. He's got free reign if he wants it, sweetheart."
I have no doubt my trust issues stem from past relationships. But I'm not in his face about it because he isn't the cause of them and I'm doing my damnedest to make sure he doesn't up on the receiving end of any backlash. In fact, I haven't even brought it up because at first it wasn't an issue. Yet my brain has decided to make it one and now I have to say something or I will lose my mind.
Now I know it's possible for this topic to be gender neutral. Both men and women are affected by past relationships and how they've been treated by the opposite sex. It's all in how we go about dealing with it. Sure, I could have blown up his phone last night when an hour passed and I still hadn't gotten a response to a question I asked him. But I didn't. I did my best to calm my nerves and went to bed.
I don't know. I don't know why I'm freaking out over this. More than likely he did fall asleep. But the little demon is telling me otherwise because that little shit is trying to convince me that I don't deserve someone capable of being loyal to me.
So sometime in the near future I will be addressing this problem with him. When we first made it official he had no qualms about expressing his fear of getting hurt and at the time, I didn't feel any need to express mine. But I think that time has come.
My Continuing Pursuit of Happiness
As most of you know, I've been diligently spending the last year making positive changes in my life in order to be ready to take over the world mentally and physically when I turn 30. I'm proud of my progress and dedication, and things are finally falling into place. Why am I so proud? Because I've never really taken the initiative to buckle down and make serious changes in my life. I've always just let things run their course without making my own difference. "Either you're a part of the problem or you're a part of the solution." Well, this time I've decided to be a part of the solution and do everything in my power to change the things about myself and my life that I don't like. This chapter has begun with a new relationship, new mind, new job, and new body. Let's do a quick recap of the chain reaction of events that have brought to where I am right now.
It truly all started the day I walked out of Buzzard's life and simultaneously banished him from mine last April. That was one of the first steps I took to get my head clear. I couldn't do it with a buzzard circling above me, waiting to prey on my fragile heart and soul, and now it's gone. I stood by my guns and kept him at arms' length. Today when I get a text from concerning anything other than a "Hey, how are you?" I don't even bother to respond. I can honestly say I am finally free from the grasp of his talons. Standing firm in my decision to not let him get to me anymore has opened my heart to accept love I know I deserve. The other night Philip said the words I've been waiting to hear - "You've been the only one for a while now, and I'd like to keep it that way." Well, damn, baby, so would I! We are now exclusive and to quote 311 - my heart sings when I think of him. I get a big goofy smile on my face when I think about being all his and he being all mine. We are good for and good to each other. I could go on but I won't bore you all with details. Well, maybe in another post later.
I consciously made the decision to keep my outlook on life positive. Sure, some days I still get down and the urge to stay in bed is strong, but I overcome it. I realized, after years of suffering from anxiety and depression that my life is what I make of it and what I do with it. Struggles still plague me every once in a while, but how I decide to handle them is more powerful than the effect they have on me.
My last job was making me miserable, so I buckled down, persevered, and now I have a great new job with a set schedule, benefits, and a 401K. It's a job that challenges me in ways I have dearly missed, with a company I can see a future with. The impact this positive change has had on me is incredible. After the first week, Philip could already tell that my demeanor was happier and not as stressed out like he was used to.
I've made it a point to continue to get into better shape and eat healthier. My body has changed drastically over the last four years and I want to keep it up - for myself and no one else. I've been a dedicated member of a gym since last November and I make it a point to go, at the very least, three times a week. I've been weight training and running between four and six miles on the elliptical and just recently started noticing the benefits - my arms and legs (and even my belly!) are toning up and I'm not winded when I run up three flights of stairs.
Since I managed to get an exercise routine down, I took it to the next level and started counting calories. I realized that was the only way I was going to learn to eat better and shed this belly of mine that makes me self conscious. Let me tell you, it is not easy. But it's easier than balancing a budget for sure. I started using the LoseIt! app on my cell phone, logging everything I eat and any exercise I do each day. The main benefit of this app is getting a visual of how good (or bad) the food and beverages I consume are for me. I'm sticking to a 1400 calorie per day budget in order to drop 20 pounds by mid June. Extreme? A little. But I have the mentality that I can do it. Am I denying myself little pleasures like beer and chocolate? Hell no. I weighed myself yesterday and have lost 4 pounds since March 29th.
So this is where I am in my life right now and I wanted to share it with you. After enduring nothing but pain and darkness for so long, I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than ever before. I know my father is beaming down from Heaven with pride.
It truly all started the day I walked out of Buzzard's life and simultaneously banished him from mine last April. That was one of the first steps I took to get my head clear. I couldn't do it with a buzzard circling above me, waiting to prey on my fragile heart and soul, and now it's gone. I stood by my guns and kept him at arms' length. Today when I get a text from concerning anything other than a "Hey, how are you?" I don't even bother to respond. I can honestly say I am finally free from the grasp of his talons. Standing firm in my decision to not let him get to me anymore has opened my heart to accept love I know I deserve. The other night Philip said the words I've been waiting to hear - "You've been the only one for a while now, and I'd like to keep it that way." Well, damn, baby, so would I! We are now exclusive and to quote 311 - my heart sings when I think of him. I get a big goofy smile on my face when I think about being all his and he being all mine. We are good for and good to each other. I could go on but I won't bore you all with details. Well, maybe in another post later.
I consciously made the decision to keep my outlook on life positive. Sure, some days I still get down and the urge to stay in bed is strong, but I overcome it. I realized, after years of suffering from anxiety and depression that my life is what I make of it and what I do with it. Struggles still plague me every once in a while, but how I decide to handle them is more powerful than the effect they have on me.
My last job was making me miserable, so I buckled down, persevered, and now I have a great new job with a set schedule, benefits, and a 401K. It's a job that challenges me in ways I have dearly missed, with a company I can see a future with. The impact this positive change has had on me is incredible. After the first week, Philip could already tell that my demeanor was happier and not as stressed out like he was used to.
I've made it a point to continue to get into better shape and eat healthier. My body has changed drastically over the last four years and I want to keep it up - for myself and no one else. I've been a dedicated member of a gym since last November and I make it a point to go, at the very least, three times a week. I've been weight training and running between four and six miles on the elliptical and just recently started noticing the benefits - my arms and legs (and even my belly!) are toning up and I'm not winded when I run up three flights of stairs.
Since I managed to get an exercise routine down, I took it to the next level and started counting calories. I realized that was the only way I was going to learn to eat better and shed this belly of mine that makes me self conscious. Let me tell you, it is not easy. But it's easier than balancing a budget for sure. I started using the LoseIt! app on my cell phone, logging everything I eat and any exercise I do each day. The main benefit of this app is getting a visual of how good (or bad) the food and beverages I consume are for me. I'm sticking to a 1400 calorie per day budget in order to drop 20 pounds by mid June. Extreme? A little. But I have the mentality that I can do it. Am I denying myself little pleasures like beer and chocolate? Hell no. I weighed myself yesterday and have lost 4 pounds since March 29th.
So this is where I am in my life right now and I wanted to share it with you. After enduring nothing but pain and darkness for so long, I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than ever before. I know my father is beaming down from Heaven with pride.
It's March Already?
We are about 3 and a half months into 2013 and what a year it's been already. I'm feeling the need to do a quick recap so let's run down the list.
- I have embarked on a new career.
Monday I started my new job. So far so good. I'm catching on quickly and the boss said I did an excellent job my first day and it proved he made a good decision when he hired me. (Yes, I "squee'd" inside when he told me that.) You all know I had been incredibly frustrated with my career as a photographer and needed a change, and it's finally beginning. (See Perseverance Pays Off - 2/19/13.) - I went skiing for the first time in almost 15 years.
Philip and his friends took me to the Poconos on February 24th and it was the perfect way to pay tribute to my father. He and my mother taught my brother and I to ski when we were little and it was a passion we shared as a family. - Two years have gone by since my father passed away.
I can't believe it's been this long. Like my mother said, time does not heal, it just forces us to adapt, and we are still adapting to life without Pop around. - We had the 2nd annual Mid Winter Classic in Ocean City, NJ.
Last year my brother and sister in law started a new tradition, weekend-ing in Ocean City during the month of February because, well, there's not much to do between Christmas and Memorial Day. It started out as a sort of reunion for the bridal party from their wedding and has evolved (or de-volved,) to include other friends and family members. We average about 14 people crammed into my sister in law's parents' beach house - Friday night staying in drinking and playing games; Saturday night we venture into Atlantic City for a night of dancing and/or gambling. Philip came with me this year and let's just say a great time was had by all. - I had the opportunity to be a part of the 311 Caribbean Cruise 2013.
I barely have the words to describe the sheer awesome-ness of this experience still, and I've been back from Miami since last week. I will detail this adventure in a post all its own. - My relationship with Philip has been tested and I'm pretty sure we passed with flying colors.
We are still moving along, doing our thing with no real definition. I was planning on laying it on the line for him when I got back from the cruise, but a big part of me is hesitant to mess with a good thing. Not being too concerned about it is a big thing for me, it is what it is and I can say with confidence that we both know where it's headed, and I'm content.
Perseverance Pays Off
Well kids, it's official - I start my new job on March 11th! I got the call Monday night as I was booking my hotel room in Miami Beach and surrounded by family.
It's a big girl job with benefits, a 401k and paid time off. Never in my life have I enjoyed these kinds of enmities from a job. My health insurance comes out of my own pocket, I have no retirement fund, and any time off I've needed has come with a price - or no price as in a smaller paycheck. My entire adult life has been spent working as an independently contracted photographer or as a waitress or for my father at his business or working part time jobs while going to school.
I will still be struggling financially for the next few months but at this point I'm used to it. And it's a small price to pay considering that I will now be receiving a steady paycheck instead of worrying about how much I'm getting paid this week or that or whether or not I need to file my unemployment claim. I finally see light at the end of the tunnel and nothing is going to stop me from making my way towards it.
It's a big girl job with benefits, a 401k and paid time off. Never in my life have I enjoyed these kinds of enmities from a job. My health insurance comes out of my own pocket, I have no retirement fund, and any time off I've needed has come with a price - or no price as in a smaller paycheck. My entire adult life has been spent working as an independently contracted photographer or as a waitress or for my father at his business or working part time jobs while going to school.
I will still be struggling financially for the next few months but at this point I'm used to it. And it's a small price to pay considering that I will now be receiving a steady paycheck instead of worrying about how much I'm getting paid this week or that or whether or not I need to file my unemployment claim. I finally see light at the end of the tunnel and nothing is going to stop me from making my way towards it.
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